Ok, I feel better now
by TypicalSherlockFan
Summary: Bella suffers depression. Edward is a motherf***ing a**hole. Both clash in many different and difficult ways. "Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change. So suffering must become Love. That is the mystery." Bitter lemons ahead!
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, I feel better now**

**A/N: And here we go:** **While I write the story comes to life at its own terms. So I don't have any outline set yet. ****Hope**** you**** enjoy it =).**

Everything was dark, so dark.

My mind and the outside. I should fight but what for?

For the emptiness of my life? For me?

Why should I take action when there was no sense in it?

I huffed and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy and I felt so drained, so fucking drained.

Outside the night and rain had settled in and I was surrounded by an uncomfortable silence.

My dad Charlie was at work like most nights. So I was all by myself and this didn't mean something good.

Black thoughts overtook my mind and all I could see and feel was misery. I felt so alone.

Almost every day I wished I was somewhere else; somewhere I could feel the sun again and actually be alive.

I listened to the music in the background and it just reflected my mood perfectly. Deep and soothing voices, tears spilled and a deep sense of desperation. Should I change to lighter music? No, it would feel wrong. Music was always an expression of my soul.

Most of the day I listened to my IPod and all kinds of songs. Also it was a coping mechanism for me. I could hide from the world and mean words. They couldn't mean anything to me when I couldn't hear them, right?

My whole life I had been living in this little fuckhole that was Forks. Some days I loved it, some days I just imagined to escape to a much brighter and happier place. To somewhere people where actually enjoying themselves and you could spend your time usefully.

But what I loved the most was the beach at LaPush, a few miles down the road. Just there I felt I could be truly me and let go. I watched the waves and listened to the sound of the ocean filled with the cold wind, whistling in my ear. My eyes found their way to the big cliff very often. I couldn't say how often I imagined jumping off there. Actually not to kill myself but just to be weightless and be one with the elements.

I loved the cliffs in Ireland, though I never had been there but they magically drew me in. But the funny thing was that I was scared of heights. So I went there quite often but never made it to the final edge, feeling too scared.

After a few minutes I went to my desk and took a glass filled with the sand of my beloved beach. Slowly I let it rinse between my fingers and tried to smell some of the salty sea air.

Sometimes I would find a pretty shell and take it with me; letting it drown within the sand never to be seen again.

Just after that, this special song came on and I decided to lie down on my bed. My lips mouthed the lyrics perfectly and I sang along to Nicole Kidman's_ One Day I Will Fly Away_ from the movie

_Moulin Rouge_. I loved it. Maybe because it was such a beautiful tragedy and filled me with sorrow and love all the same.

_One day I fly away_

_Leave all this__ to yesterday_

_Why live life from dream to dream_

_And dread the day when dreaming ends_

I even didn't recognize how a tear found its way from my eye but I tasted its saltiness and I couldn't stop. It started again.

Everything came crushing down on me. I would look fucked up by tomorrow. But who was there to care anyways? And so I tried to make myself tired so I could sleep.

Almost every night I had a very hard time to find sleep. I moved from one side to the other and so many thoughts where racing through my mind. Also I got myself some sleeping pills. But there were herbal because I had this fear to become addicted to "real" sleeping pills and then one day, maybe I wouldn't stop to take them all.

Just after a few more songs I felt my eye lids getting heavier and I felt into a restless sleep.

The next morning I was shaken awake by my dad.

"Bells. Bells wake up. I also made breakfast, if cereal counts?"

Sleepily I opened my eyes and found myself in his dark brown ones.

"Thank you dad. I totally forgot to set my alarm. And yes, cereal counts." I gave him a small smile.

He returned my smile and ruffled through my hair. "The best for my little princess."

I had to chuckle, he still called me that after all these years and I loved him for doing that. He might be not home very often but when, he was a good dad, who tried to take care of me the best he could.

A few seconds later I stretched and hazily made my way to the bathroom. I still had enough time to be at school punctually and my body was tired from yesterday's crying session.

My brown hair felt lifeless while I combed it and my face really looked fucked up. Just as I thought.

But I was used to it by now and so I didn't waste any time with covering it. Today I didn't shower because I actually couldn't stand the spray of cold water in the morning and being hit by cold air when stepping out. Forks would wake me up anyways.

After ten minutes I grabbed my bag, walked downstairs and found myself at the table with Charlie reading the latest newspaper. It was our morning routine and neither of us talked very much. We just enjoyed each other's company.

I was not really hungry and just ate a little bit of the froot loops dad had prepared for me. After I finished I got up to go to my old, rusty truck.

"Bye dad, I'm leaving," I said to him while he eyed my half eaten bowl.

He shrugged his shoulders and would probably eat it when I was gone.

"Have a nice day Bells. And remember, no IPod listening while you're driving," he said lifting his right brow and being in cop mode.

I rolled my eyes and nodded. Then I turned around and walked the short way to my beloved car.

The first thing I turned on was my radio. There was a radio station in Port Angeles which actually played pretty cool songs and they didn't talk too much. I really preferred it this way and it took away the heaviness in my heart a little bit.

Soon I started the ignition and my car rumbled to life and I made it to school in no time.

Actually I dreaded school. It was nothing but pain for me. My grades were average just like me and the students were fucked up. The cloudy sky was much lighter than my mood I was in as soon as I saw his car.

He was the main reason I was also afraid to step into this halls of hell. He was the fucking king asshole of this school by being a rebel and making my life miserable.

I parked my car as far away as possible and before my feet could even touch the ground I had my IPod on and listened to it intently.

Why even bother? But I should because it was for dad. He was saving money since my birth for my college education and so I couldn't let him down. I was pretty sure I could do better in school but I had such a lack of motivation, just like every day. Sometimes I high fived myself when I made it out of bed.

Loud rumbling is what I could hear and heavy rain drops started to fall on my face so I actually didn't waste any time getting into school.

Before I could go straight to the class room I met Angela in one of the long and endless corridors. She smiled at me and indicated to take off my ear buds.

"What's up?" I asked, popping the p at the end.

"Mornin' Bella. Be careful when you open your locker. I saw Edward stuffing something in it. And as you know him it won't be roses…" She looked apologetic at me.

I took a deep breath before I thanked her for the warning and still walked my way to Mr. Kruger's History class. Also I had this stupid feeling in my stomach and it was making me nauseous.

Mr. Kruger just gave us an assignment about world war two and advised us to start in class and finish it at home, having it done at the end of the week.

But actually I couldn't concentrate on the questions and words and so my mind was drifting. I bit on my pencil and stared out of the window.

While doing so I mulled over Edward, again. Did I have to go to my locker before school would end? Actually no… But there was this big test in Math and of course all the important stuff was in there. Maybe I could pretend I was sick and then secretly open it and see what he did.

I pretty much wanted to avoid a public humiliation. He actually didn't do these kinds of things very often but when, they just were ugly.

The last five minutes I forced myself to read something from this stupid text but gave up as soon as the bell rang and stuffed it into my folder.

Math was the third class, just right after Geography. I hated Math, I really did but this was just a part of high school's ordeal.

Maybe I hadn't to pretend to be sick because I felt worse with every step I took. Not only had I this dark cloud following me around, no I was tormented by this boy who had nothing better to do than to bring me down.

As I tried to find a song which just felt right someone bumped into me. I looked at his bronze hair and green eyes and felt bile coming up my throat.

Because the music was still filling my ears I just saw his lips moving. I really didn't want to take it off; I just would fell into the gruesome reality.

His face got furious and I knew that he was throwing profanities at me. But who was I to care?

I tried to suppress the tears building in my eyes and went the opposite direction. He tried to hold my arm but I was faster and escaped this vile creature.

My heart pounded as I entered the next classroom and already was asked by the teacher if everything was alright. I grabbed my chance and shook my head and said I didn't feel good and if I could rest of this class in the nurse's office. Because she seemed to be a caring person she sent me away with a hall pass.

Some of the other students had paid attention and looked at me funnily but by most I was being ignored and this was kinda good.

I checked the hall and as I was sure that no one else was around I tried to open my locker.

It was an anxious feeling but anyways I had to get my books and files and whatever _this guy_ had put in it I had to deal with it.

Slowly I opened it and because I was clever and had reflexes like a cat in special situations I didn't get the bucket full of garbage up in my face.

The metal made a loud clunk noise while hitting the floor. He really wanted that I was hit with rotten fish, dirt, slime and things I couldn't even identify.

I was livid and sad. Just so fucking furious. How dare this motherfucker doing this? I felt even weaker and was really, really glad that Angela had told me. Otherwise everyone would laugh about me and I had to drive home and explain why I couldn't take part in the Math test.

What to do now was the question…

Looking around I finally found the janitor's closet and took out some cleaning items. I still had enough time and tried to hurry that no one would see me.

I put on the rubber gloves and put everything back into the bucket. Then I threw it into the nearest bin and cleaned the ground for solid two minutes. After everything was done I put it back into the closet and walked to the bathroom.

Splashing cold water in my face was now the best thing of this day. I felt refreshed and not so dirty anymore, though I didn't feel that nasty stuff on my skin.

After I had cleaned myself I wandered the halls and finally got into the nurse's office. I told her that I didn't feel good and needed to rest for the next 30 minutes. She just prepared everything and I lay down.

I tried to switch off my mind and not thinking about the horrible things Edward had done to me or still would. Why I even was there anymore was still a mystery to me. But I guessed I didn't want my dad to be left alone and feeling guilty that he couldn't help me.

It wasn't his fault I felt like this most of the time. It was just a part of me. A disgusting sickness and I knew it but still I couldn't change a thing about it.

And when there was a little bit of lightness or change of heart this douchebag came and destroyed everything.

I remembered vividly how he spilled juice all over my new dress in freshman year and tripped me. This was actually quite harmless and I got over it. In sophomore year he hid my books, changed my locker combination, and made jokes about me, in junior year he tried to slice the tires of my truck but was interrupted by a teacher and actually got detention. This had been the very first and last time. I didn't tell my dad because that would have been too much trouble and I wanted to avoid it at all costs.

Now we were in senior year and I was really looking for a closure and university. Maybe I also could get myself to make an effort but my energy level was so low all the time.

Thirty minutes passed and I made my way to the dreaded Math test and got it over with. I was surprised it didn't even feel so bad. Maybe it was because I had gotten help from one of my fellow students.

She was, next to a few people, the only one I really liked. Her name was Alice and she had a great personality. The only disturbing thing was that she shared the same genes like Edward due to the fact that they were siblings.

But we always had met outside, never at her or my home. I liked this and actually had begun to understand Math a little bit better because she could explain it to me so easily.

It had been our teacher who had brought us together and I had been grateful otherwise I would have scored not very high in this test.

After that I met her outside the class.

"So Bella, was it very difficult?" she asked with hopeful eyes.

I gave her a shy smile. "No and that thanks to you Alice. Maybe I could invite you for a milkshake after school?"

She literally beamed with energy and gave me a surprising hug. "Of course Bella, we could meet by six at the diner? Same booth as always," she winked and said goodbye because she really had to hurry for Gym.

Still surprised I stood in the corridor and asked myself why she was so nice to me. Didn't she know that her brother despised me? But most of the time she didn't hang with him or his crowd of people. It seemed that their parents did something right with her.

Next class I had the free choice to study in the library and so I dragged myself into this dusty old room. It was filled with shelves of books and it seemed that I was the only one within this space of words.

Slowly I sat down on one of the large tables and pulled out a book I just had started to read. Actually my favorite books were written by Jane Austen but now I wanted to try something new. This book had been sent by my mom.

She and dad had a divorce when I was really young and because she wanted to discover the world and really didn't feel ready to become a mom, my parents decided that dad would take care of me.

Sometimes I had been mad at her but we build up a good relationship in some degree. At least every week we tried to call each other or write emails. She also would always visit on my birthday and I stayed at Florida for a few weeks during the summer holiday each year. She tried to be a good mother the best she could think of.

Mom said that this book was part of a trilogy and if I would miss it then there would be something seriously wrong. As I continued to read I heard some strange noises.

I looked around and saw that two people had entered the room and closed the door.

"Uh Edward, you are so kinky. I love this, where do you wanna do it?" a girl tried to say with a sexy voice.

My skin started to crawl and I couldn't believe that this asshat was going to fuck some girl in the holy halls of the library.

"Wait Lauren, just wanna check if someone is in here," he said and started to move.

My heart skipped a beat and I hastily tried to find a place to hide because I really didn't want to face him.

Because the room was quite big I had a head start of a few seconds and found myself behind the only sofa. It was big and red and a very good hiding spot.

Though I was quite clumsy I made no real noise and just prayed that these two would finally disappear. I couldn't be the only one who wanted to read here, right?

But I knew the truth just as Edward did. Most students went to the cafeteria or outside. Meeting with friends or doing homework and not trying to hide and read books.

I really didn't know what to do. If they would discover me now I probably would be shoved into the nearest wall or something like that.

Now I had to deal with overhearing the two most disgusting people of the school making out. Edward was nasty, indeed.

"You little slut. You don't wear any underwear. Did you expect me?" His voice was raw and deep and she just giggled in response.

"What about the couch Edward? I guess that would be so more comfy," Lauren shrieked in her high voice.

He just mumbled something and I heard their footsteps on their way of my doom. If it wouldn't be so fucked up I actually would laugh. Really here I sat trapped behind a couch and had to endure t h i s.

"Just lay down little slut and we see what I can do for you," Edward told her in a demanding voice.

I actually had to shiver because that voice fit perfectly to his demeanor. I always imagined him being a control freak and not afraid of harsh words. And Lauren really thought that _slut _was a term of endearment?

My hands tried to cover my ears as I heard them moaning. I was disgusted to say the least. Just my fucking perfect day.

I really hoped they wouldn't go last base and I had to witness everything.

"Oh Edward, you are soooo good. I wanna have your big cock in my wet cunt."

I internally cringed. Oh my god that was so horrible. Really, was that their way of sexy talk? I mean, common…

Edward didn't reply but I heard his heavy breathing and ripping of a paper. Of course he would have condoms with him. I would never look at this sofa again.

"You like it when my cock fills your pussy, don't you? I will ram it into you all the way in," he groaned and it started.

This sofa seemed not to be one of the newest models because I heard the elastic springs. How they squeaked with every movement.

As I covered my ears I tried to dream myself far, far away and so I walked down the sandy beach. My feet were wet and cold from the ocean and I heard seagulls fighting for fish over the depths of dark blue.

But of course I couldn't shield everything and so I listened to Lauren's and Edward's enjoyable orgasm.

"That's it Lauren. Just leave, I have to take care of something," the asshole said in an ordering voice and it sounded if Lauren had blown him a kiss and continued to giggle as she left.

He had to take care of something? He couldn't have seen me, please, he couldn't.

I closed my eyes as I heard him speak.

"I know that someone is here. Come out, you can't hide anymore," he ordered again.

I felt like throwing up. What would he do when he saw that it was me? Would it be possible for him to hurt me? Maybe it was just a matter of time because he loathed me with so much passion.

Knowing it wouldn't make much sense to hide anymore I slowly got up and tried to look anywhere but him.

"Of all fucking people it's fucking you who is hiding in here? Of course my damn luck," he huffed in annoyance.

That wasn't so bad, was it? So why should I care, it wasn't my fault they decided to switch body fluids in here. I just would walk head high out.

As I still avoided his gaze and tried to get past him he grabbed my arm and I winced.

He drew me really close to his body and I could feel his breath on my face. He smelled like cigarettes and something else I couldn't identify.

"Let me go," I almost screamed.

"Look the fuck at me bitch!" he shouted back. "What happened here stays in here. Do you understand?"

I looked up and saw his green eyes staring into me, scanning me and having this slight threat in them.

My arm still hurt but it seemed that he wouldn't let go until he had his way.

"Yes… Yes, I understand," I said gulping my tears away. I just wanted to run and never see him again.

He still didn't ease his grip and moved his face even nearer.

"I mean it b i t ch. You are such a worthless piece of shit and it disgusts me to actually touch you. So don't fucking dare to disturb me again," he said it with malice dripping off each word.

Now I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. What had I ever done to this prick? Why did he pick me from all these people to be bullied? And now he also hurt me in a physical way.

I looked down and just gave up. He could do whatever he wanted to do, I wouldn't fight anymore. Just finish me off and be done with it.

"Was that all?" I asked with a monotone voice.

Instead of answering he loosened his grip and stomped out of the room. I just stood there and tried not to get a breakdown. No, he didn't deserve the power he had over me. He didn't deserve neither a single tear nor a sob.

I would stand brave and tall. Unintentionally I stroked over the area he had hold on. It still hurt a little bit and was red. He really had power in both ways and it was all too much to handle for me.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** **So here I am. I really made an effort to get it done by today ;). But I went to bed too late and got up too soon - bad combination for writing ^^.**

**The books triology I was referring to was "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins - you really should give it a try!**

**Also I hope you will stay with me and my brain is so lame actually I cannot come up with anything quite good to write down. But whatever - just read! (I know you want to)**

The only thing I wanted to do was crawling into my bed and hide from this world. From this devil and his hurtful words and actions.

A quite sob escaped my mouth and I covered it with my hand.

My gut told me to run away, run into the woods and just flee but my mind knew better. I had to drag myself through this day and at the end meet Alice.

Now it was even more bittersweet to see her. To look into these intense eyes and not see his stare.

I had to wear a mask. No one should see how weak I was. How desperate for affection and understanding.

Instead I was kicked repeatedly.

Alice was the only person I could and couldn't tell what was going on. I actually didn't know what a relationship there was between and her brother.

Maybe I would break her heart by telling her what Edward was capable of. But on the other hand there was quite a possibility that she already knew.

After I contemplated my options where I should disappear to I decided to go to the bathroom stalls and just wait until the bell rang. Then I had to endure Spanish and PE.

So I went through the halls paying attention to everything moving. If I would meet Edward I probably would run. At least he couldn't find me where I was going.

Actually I just felt strange while I sat in my new hiding spot. It was so hard to not explode from all these feelings. I was so confused and desperate. So fucking lost and lonely.

The cloud found me again and all I could see was misery and how much of a loser I really was.

I was average in life. I wasn't beautiful or special in any way. My mother didn't want me and my dad couldn't see the whole me. The other students didn't care for me and Edward's mission was probably to make my life a living hell.

Who would care if they found me dead and cold?

Who would shed a tear over me?

Who would know my name?

In my darkest moments I couldn't see any person who could come into question.

Again I felt like crying but I couldn't because then the others would see me and maybe someone would ask a question and I had to think about a good lie.

_When did this storm began?_ I asked to myself. _When did I get so fucked up?_

Even more I got frustrated and felt helpless. I tried to listen to music. The songs should swallow my anxiety and fears. Should heal my heart and fix me.

After an eternity the bell finally rang and I had to convince my body to move and go on. This time I actually paid attention to Mrs. Garcia and her fluent Spanish. School stuff was a good way to get distracted.

I didn't raise my hand and I barely breathed but I was there. Still I was going with the flow and didn't take the wrong turn.

We got a shit load of homework and I heard many students complaining about it.

Before PE the lunch break was coming around and I thought about skipping it but I knew that Angela was waiting for me.

She and I had this little lunch date every day and we felt good in each other's company.

After I checked if Edward was in my nearness and everything was clear I walked to the food line and sat down next to Angela.

Actually I wasn't really hungry but just filled up with dread.

"Thank you again Ange. I had an opportunity to open it without any prying eyes. And it really wasn't pretty", I said nibbling on my apple.

Lightly she touched my hand. "I'm sorry for this asshole. I hope you're okay?" she asked with her voice full of care.

"Yeah I am. I mean as good as I can," I forced a smile for her and she seemed to be relieved.

"Whenever you have problems you can talk to me. You know that Bella, don't you?"

Her eyes were boring into me and I did my best performance of lying.

"I know this Ange and I will do. But right now I am only bugged by getting alive through PE. Coach Collard wants us to do this stupid athletic test and I just will fail."

Grinning I took another bite from my apple.

"Yeah I guess you will but you should give your best nonetheless," she said and stuffed her mouth with some kind of meat.

It wasn't a secret that I wasn't a sucker for any sport. I really had a big lack of coordination. I always guessed that a gene was missing or something. I stumbled over air and was feared in connection with any types of balls. They rarely let me take one.

We ate and talked a little bit about upcoming school events and new books. She also told me about the wedding of her older sister. Her dad was a pastor and would wed the bridal couple. Angela really got excited about all the arrangements she would help Carol with and how the dress looked.

I zoomed out as soon as I saw him. He was walking to one of the tables and sat down. After a few seconds there were some people following. Even Alice was there. But I wasn't surprised because her boyfriend Jasper was friends with Edward.

They and some other people sat around the self-proclaimed king and started chatting and eating.

Unfortunately he was sitting the opposite direction of me and I had to avoid looking at him.

All I could feel was fear. Fear of these green eyes and their way to make me crumble.

I totally concentrated on my nails and what Angela was telling me. I tried, I really did.

But my eyes found their way to this table so many miles distant from myself.

He didn't look at me and Lauren sat next to him. Just in this moment she asked something and Edward ran his hand over his stubbly jaw. He was in deep thought and when he answered his eyes found mine.

My heart started to pound restlessly and I averted my gaze. Slightly I felt like he was my master and me his subordinate. I only was allowed to speak and look when he told me to. Was that really happening?

Our only connection was based on hatred and fear. He had control over me without even controlling me. I almost freaked out from this conclusion.

"Bella? Bella, you're listening?" Angela asked me with a questioning look on her face.

"Oh yeah. I'm sorry, just zoomed out a little," I reassured her.

"I was asking if you wanted to help me with some wedding preparations. You like to write, right? You know because I'm maid of honor I have to write some kind of speech but I'm not really good at it. So maybe you could help me?"

I swallowed. It was true that I really liked to write. But actually mostly for myself and rarely anyone knew this. Not that it was anything special. Surely she just needed advice with grammar and I would be happy to assist.

"Of course I'll help you. Just tell me when and where and I will be there," I responded.

She was satisfied with my answer and soon after our ways parted and we were off to our classes.

Mrs. Collard was already waiting for us in front of the building. She said we had to hurry and that this was a really important grade for the rest of this year.

Yeah because PE was so fucking important for me and my career. I would try to make my way through it as good as possible.

While I was changing in the locker room I overheard Lauren and one of her friends talking.

"You won't believe what Edward and I did in the library today. He is such a fine piece of ass. Maybe he's going to invite me over for the weekend and we can have some more fun."

My hands were starting to shake and I let out two deep breaths. It seemed that he didn't tell her that he had caught me in there.

But this memory and his hard grip on me were still fresh in my memory and of course it hurt like hell.

She really wanted to claim the place next to him. I rated him more for someone without any ambition to get a girlfriend but a steady fuck and kick. He would use her. That was just his way.

I had seen a lot of girls in tears in these few years the Cullen's had moved to Forks. In freshman year they had relocated from Chicago to here. I really didn't know why but maybe I would ask Alice about it.

Why would someone in their right mind move from the great city that was Chicago to such a shitty place like Forks anyway?

They were like a mystery and a part of me wanted to solve it.

I was looking forward to finish this stupid test and just go home. My muscles and bones tortured me for a while until our coach dismissed us and I finally could breathe again.

Quickly I got myself changed into clean clothes and went to my truck. I wanted to go home and have a long and soothing bath. Just wanted to vanish in the warm water.

As I arrived at my car I heard yelling.

"Bella! Bella!" Alice was sprinting in my direction and had to take a few gulps of air before she continued.

"I'm sorry Bella. I don't know if I can make it this evening. You know something unexpected happened and I just…" her eyes were drifting behind me.

I turned around to see what she was looking at. My pulse was racing but Alice was with me and so I was save, technically.

He shot daggers in my direction and his left hand was clutching his leather jacket.

She gave me an apologetic look and went to Edward. Both started to have a heated discussion and soon disappeared to their cars.

I didn't know if I should feel disappointed or relieved. It was a mix of both.

As I was driving home I let my thoughts be led by the music. They played _I need a doctor_ by Eminem and Dr. Dre. I truly loved this song and was totally engulfed in it.

It gave me this strength I desperately missed. Only for four minutes but this was better than not to have any at all.

When I reached our house I recognized my father's police cruiser in the front. He often was there shortly when I returned home.

Quietly I made my way to my room. It was not unusual that dad was sleeping in front of the TV. Working so many night shifts toke a toll on his body.

Unpacking my school stuff and homework I heard my stomach grumble. It seemed I was a little bit more relaxed than before and the hunger decided to kick in.

So I went downstairs and tried to cook a decent meal from what was left in the fridge. We really had to buy groceries very soon.

I scribbled some food down on a note of paper and stuck it on our to-do-board.

Next I went to my room again and started homework. I wanted it to be done before I could truly relax.

Spanish wasn't that easy but with the help of the internet I finished it and stared at the History assignment. It brought back memories of rotten and smelly fish.

One hour passed and I almost got it finished when my phone rang.

"Uhm, hello?" I asked hesitantly.

"Bella, it's me. Again. I just wanted to call. I know I took you by surprise but there was something major going on at home and I just had to be there," Alice said apprehensive.

I waited for her to continue.

"Edward… He just stormed out. I hope he is all right, you know with everything going on. Do you still wanna meet?"

Her voice was quivering and I had to wrap my head around what she was telling me. Because I didn't know anything.

"When do you want to meet Alice?"

"Oh thank you Bella. Just let's meet like agreed before. I'm looking forward seeing you," Alice said, sounding just like her old self.

To go to the diner I needed about five minutes by car. Therefore I still had one hour to waste.

I went to my bathroom and filled the tube with hot and steamy water. Along I put my most favorite strawberry shower bath. Actually it was made for kids but I simply loved its scent.

My mind was full of questions and screams for explanations.

Quickly I got rid of my clothes and it felt so good to be naked. My skin was covered with goose bumps when it hit the warm liquid.

I inhaled the fruity scent and totally went undersea.

What was going on within the Cullen household? Alice did sound so sad and Edward was his usual self.

But it seemed that Alice really cared for him and didn't know that he also had such a darker side.

A darker side he only showed to me. I knew his darkness and combined with mine it felt deadly.

In this moment when my face hit the surface again and the cold air left a prickling feeling I knew that I knew nothing.

It was a fact that Edward was bothered by me in all ways. He said that he was disgusted and I wasn't worth anything. I could feel my tears coming again.

We didn't know each other, never had spoke a normal word. We also didn't share any classes and his sister was perfectly normal.

But there was a part in me that couldn't say that hate was the right word I connected with his face.

Agitation and irritation were better terms to describe it.

Once there might was beauty within his soul but it had been taken away by a darker power for a long time.

His green eyes had a constant storm brewing inside and it suited him. He never shaved completely and mostly worn leather jackets and jeans.

Also he had a habit of smoking a lot.

As I was washing my hair I recognized how good I was at describing him. It seemed that I had watched him over all these years. Of course I did it to be one step ahead but there was also something else.

Not only I was fighting a constant depression, I also had to fight the demon of Edward Cullen.

I didn't think that his heart was total black but sometimes I just wished he would be run over by a giant truck. Maybe it would be mine.

My fingers played with the water and _Nobody's Home_ by Avril Lavigne came to my mind.

_I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,  
>She felt it every day.<br>But I couldn't help her  
>I just watched her make the same mistakes again. <em>

_What's wrong, what's wrong now?  
>Too many, too many problems.<br>Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs. _

_She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
>It's where she lies, broken inside.<br>There's no place to go, no place to go  
>to dry her eyes.<br>Broken inside. _

_Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.  
>You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you've left behind.<br>Be strong, be strong now.  
>Too many, too many problems.<br>Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs. _

_Her feelings she hides.  
>Her dreams she can't find.<br>She's losing her mind.  
>She's fallen behind.<br>She can't find her place.  
>She's losing her faith.<br>She's fallen from grace.  
>She's all over the place yeah<em>

_She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah  
>She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah<em>

Again a sad and lost but exceptionally beautiful song.

And yeah it was what my life had become. Except for my home maybe.

I loved it and my father. It was my retreat from the evils. But still the evils in my head wouldn't vanish and leave me alone.

Thoughts were flashing by and it got hard to breath. Everything felt too much. Every thought and feeling. I was a bundle of craziness and nerves. The tears were becoming one with the water and my skin shimmered with the bitter saltiness.

Then I remembered Alice.

I didn't want her to raise any assumptions and wanted to look normal. So I scrubbed my skin until it turned red and got lost of every fiber from this horrible day so far.

Edward had overstepped an invisible line and seemed to have no limits when it came to me.

After I felt a decent cleanliness I stepped out and wrapped myself in my big and soft bath robe. It was blue and a Christmas gift from my mom. I really loved to wear it.

I did everything to look presentable and also switched to different clothes. The colours where a shade of green and brown and looked quite good paired with a long skirt I had bought recently.

The weather was mostly cold and dull but you got used to it. Just like everything else in your life…

Charlie was also ready to go and so we started our cars at the same time and parted at a big crossing.

A little bell rang as I entered the diner and immediately spotted the black and spikey hair of Alice. She seemed to be lost in her thoughts and ripped a napkin to pieces.

I sat down face to face with her and gave her a big grin.

"Have you been waiting long?" I did miss the time by perhaps ten minutes.

She shook her head and replied, "No, I also just came in actually. Do we want to order something to bite?" She asked while studying the menu.

I gave her an affirming answer and there was a short silence at our table until Alice made a high pitched shriek.

"Bella, we have to try this! You know the last times we always just ate the same old but now I wanna taste that thing!" She upheld the menu and her finger pointed to the monster of a burger.

"Are you sure Alice? Maybe we should share I guess," I shrugged and awaited her response.

"I think you're right. Let's order one because sharing is caring," She said grinning.

The waiter wrote down our orders and it took a few moments before we started to talk at the same time.

The situation seemed a little bit awkward though Alice didn't know any of the pain her brother put me through and she couldn't hold responsible.

In some moments I almost drowned in her equally intense green eyes. But hers did resemble a soft, undulant meadow. So soft I would like to lay down in it.

"So what's going on Alice? You want to talk about it?"

She started to torture the napkin again.

"You know we are not a picture perfect family. Especially Edward. Sometimes it's so hard to be around him. So much negative energy and stuff. But I don't know if I should talk about it yet," she said and looked at me with searching eyes.

"It's okay Alice. You don't have to tell me anything at all. We can talk about anything else or just enjoy our food and watch the rain fall. Whatever you decide I'm in."

I gave her an assuring smile and she nodded.

"No. I mean, I really want to talk about it with you. You feel like someone I could confide in but I still have to figure something out. There is so much stress in my family right now. I'm lucky to have Jasper. He takes me away from this madhouse."

After she said these words the waiter came and brought our drinks. I had a strawberry milkshake whereas she wanted to try the surprise-shake.

"Jasper seems to be a nice guy. I'm lucky for you."

Instantly there was this dreamy look in her eyes.

"Oh yes. I think Jasper is the best thing that could have happen to me. He is my back up when everything else fails." She giggled and started to mock me for not laughing at her joke.

Finally I gave her my best impression of a laugh and she was satisfied.

Then we talked about some classes and favorite movies and so on. Before that we mostly had focused on Math and its problems.

Several minutes later we got our monster burger. It even had sparklers in it because we had been the first to be brave enough to order it.

Luckily we were hungry and made a big effort to devour the tasty meat. It was like heaven and I had to taste it again anytime soon.

"Oh my god Bella, I think I'm going to burst. Maybe we have to roll home."

"I feel pretty stuffed, too," I said while leaning into the comfy booth.

"And we still have enough to take it home. Edward will be happy. He loves greasy food," she said and took one more fry.

There he was again. Just like that he was back in my head.

Edward the monster liked greasy food. Who would have thought?

"What else does he like?" I asked.

Alice made a grimace while thinking very hard about it.

"I guess everything non-healthy. He is just a typical guy." She said shrugging her shoulders.

Yeah a typical guy tending to inflict pain on people who were so much weaker than him.

"You like him?" Alice asked innocently.

I was going to drink my milkshake but stopped dead in my tracks. My eyes got very big and she noticed.

"I won't tell him Bella." She told me winking.

She fucking winked and thought I would like her excuse of a brother.

"No Alice. Really it's nothing like that. I actually have never talked to him. He seems different anyways…"

That was the nicest way I could come up without giving anything away.

Her features became normal again and she seemed to relax.

"That's sad. I think you would make a nice couple. But I understand what you mean. Edward can kick your ass, if so to say," she said rolling her eyes.

"Did he ever do this to you?" I asked with a certain amount of anxiety.

"Nah, he never hurt my physically. He is just not the type. But he can hurt with his eyes. With his absence and muteness. He has a way of show you exactly how he feels without really expressing it with words. He wasn't like that always but you know. Things happen, people change. But enough with the heavy stuff. Did you already look for a dress for this benefit party my mom is throwing?"

He was not someone who would hurt anyone else? Was something wrong with me that he decided to act out of normal?

And now I should think about this benefit party I really couldn't care less but for the sake of Alice and as a thank you for her help I told her I would go.

"No Alice. Actually I really hadn't time to think about it yet. You know school was pretty much work the last few weeks. I'm sorry."

"It's okay Bella. I also don't have a dress yet. Maybe we could go shopping in Port Angeles this weekend? I would pick you up. Does that sound good?" She asked with an eager look on her face.

In this nano second I felt good. I felt normal. Just like a regular girl who would go shopping with her friend and hadn't had a care in the world. And then it was gone again.

Of course I said yes and we made a plan when to leave and where to go. Today was Tuesday so there was still time.

We stayed for another hour and talked and laughed a lot. Alice was so good for my soul. Like healing balm on my wounds.

For the amount of time her sunshine was breaking through my thunder and I was sincerely happy.

As we decided to go she gave me a hug again.

"I had such a good time Bella. Thanks again and the milkshake was really yummy."

"I'm glad you liked it. You can never be sure what they put into things they call a surprise," I said with a laugh.

"When I die, please take revenge on this place," she replied with a dead serious tone.

I laughed again and we got going.

"See you tomorrow Alice. Have a good night."

"Bye Bella. Don't let the bed bugs bite you!" She yelled and showed me her tongue.

Sometimes she acted childish but in a very good way.

When I was on the road again I couldn't even remember when there was the last time I had so much fun. That was pathetic. Really it was.

The radio station played _Forever_ by Breaking Benjamin and it lulled me. It fit perfectly to this night because the stars shone brightly on the sky and the rain had finally stopped.

I parked my truck and when I wanted to open the front door I saw someone smoking.

The person stood a few meters away from me and I only could see the gleaming of red smoke.

I felt panic rising inside me and so I really tried to hurry to go inside without wasting any time to find out who it was.

"Wait!" He shouted and my hand stilled.

This couldn't happen. Why would h e be here? Maybe he was there to hurt me even more.

_Dad!_ I had to call him and get help. So I didn't hesitate any longer and opened the door.

"I said you should fucking wait!"

He was fast and all of a sudden stood right in front of me. The house was still wrapped in darkness and I only could see his features because dad hadn't made an effort to repair the lamps on our front porch yet.

"What do you want Edward? You're breaking in now? My dad will be here any second. So don't…"

I couldn't continue because he took my breath away.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So this chapter is shorter but more emotional. Thanks to the music of **_**Hollywood Undead**_** I was in the right mood to write the last half of this. Just go with the ride.**

"Will you fucking stop it?" Edward said while pressing his hand on my mouth.

Immediately I stilled and my eyes went bigger.

"Jeez, I just…"

He let go of me, switched on the light and roamed through the room. While he did his hand constantly went through his hair and he looked nervous.

I stared at him and watched every move he made.

"Shut the door!" he said in an ordering voice.

Of course I complied and quietly closed it.

But still I would just look at him and didn't dare to move.

Edward paused and his eyes found mine. His breathing started to go faster. He frowned and it seemed that he tried to figure out something.

"I don't even fucking know what I'm doing here!" He yelled and his features started to change.

His face became furious and his eyes got this strange look. Intuitively I made one step backwards.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" He screamed and all of a sudden he crumbled down. Edward Cullen fell down on his knees. In our living room. In front of me.

I heard sobbing while he tried to hide his face from me.

Now I was even more confused but not sure to be afraid anymore.

Did I feel sorry for him? Maybe. Because I wasn't an emotionless robot and if someone broke down in front of me crying so fucking hard I couldn't just feel nothing.

After a few seconds I was ready to move again and headed for Edward.

Carefully I approached him. He was like an exotic animal. Wounded but still dangerous nonetheless.

It felt awkward. Maybe he did try something funny but his sounds and tears seemed to be the real deal.

"Uhm Edward?" Oh my god, I really had a hard time to figure out an appropriate question. "Everything alright? Do you need something?"

Nervously I looked down on him and tried to see his face.

His tears ebbed away and he glanced at me. His look was pure bewilderment.

"I'm totally fine Bel…" He stopped himself from continue and shock his head.

All of a sudden he started to laugh and I looked at him. I really couldn't get a grasp on whatever he was doing.

"Maybe you should go now Edward!" My voice started to find its strength again.

Green orbs were staring at me intensely and my heart started to pump blood through all my veins much faster. The red liquid started to fill my cheeks and I blushed heavily.

"You're scaring me," I said in a whispering voice.

Not that he really would care but what else was there for me to say?

Slowly his body rose up again and he stood right before me.

Without a warning his hand cupped my right cheek and his thumb brushed over me gently.

My skin started to tingle and I hold my breath. It was too sudden. What the fuck did happen here? I felt like I was in an alternative universe and everything was out of control.

I tried to look anywhere else but his face, too afraid what I might could find in there.

My ears listened to his steady breathing and my body was rigid.

I couldn't relax because I was too busy being aware of what he could do to me.

This couldn't be the same person I encountered today. He showed himself bare and hadn't said one insulting word.

Maybe this was the real Edward and not the fucked up asshole that made me feel bad almost daily.

And with that realization hit me and I literally jumped away from him.

"Whatever is going on inside of your head and whatever you want to do, just… Just leave already Edward. I don't want you to touch me just because you can. I don't want you to invade my home. It's the only save place from you. Please just go," I said in a defeated voice.

My gaze met his and it seemed that he was in shock for a few seconds. But just like that it was gone.

He didn't hesitated and his hand found its way through my hair. He got a hold of it and slightly pulled my head backwards. It didn't hurt but I closed my eyes as I saw his face come nearer.

Then I felt warm air on my ear and a hushed "I am sorry".

And with that his hand pulled away and he rushed out of the door.

He left me in utter shock and with a racing heart. I didn't know what to do. I was so overwhelmed by my emotions.

My lungs felt less heavy when I let out all the air I had hold in.

Edward was a living contradiction and gave me more questions than answers.

I didn't notice that my feet were moving on their own accord. Suddenly I found myself in the kitchen with a glass clutched between my fingers.

Quickly I poured myself some cold water and drank it with one big gulp.

The house felt so silent and my thoughts were screaming at me loudly. Whatever path of thinking I took I never reached the place of explanation.

He was so different and when he had stroked my cheek…

Mindlessly my fingers touched the spot on my skin and I felt myself blushing again.

I was so confused. Why would he come to my place when he was so sad? What did he think he could find here?

Surely it had something to do with his family and it really bugged me.

Alice didn't seem so fazed like him. But maybe she found comfort in Jasper or had simply a different way of coping.

Because I didn't really know Edward and so I couldn't put the pieces together.

Maybe he had been frustrated and wanted to unleash his anger at me but then decided to do otherwise.

Wow, he even went so far going to my place. I really felt uncomfortable by this and I didn't need any repeat.

After I felt a little bit better I decided to call it a night and went to bed.

But of course I couldn't find any sleep. So many thoughts were running through my head.

I remembered every detail. Every movement and word he did and said.

But most of all he had said that he was sorry. Never in a million years would I have thought that he would utter these words.

Would he be different when he would see me in school? My stomach was twisted in knots. I knew exactly how he would react. Surely he was embarrassed about everything and would either completely ignore me or going ballistic.

I really would prefer the first choice and just be left alone. I simply didn't know how to deal with him.

A green-eyed creature was following me in my dream and as much as I tried I couldn't escape it. It grabbed me and was ripping off my clothes. It devoured me with his eyes hungrily and I felt so scared being naked and vulnerable. I could feel its hot breath on my skin but couldn't move. As it was about to enter me I was awaken by my alarm clock.

My heart was beating erratically and it was one of the rare times I was actually glad that the alarm had gone off. I couldn't remember the creature's face but I knew this haunting colour and that was enough.

This morning dad wasn't at home but had written me a note that he was free this evening and that we could eat together and watch a movie. I liked these evenings. Of course we always ate hot popcorn, drank Coke and laughed our asses off because we always watched comedies as we shared the same sense of humour.

I was really looking forward for this night.

After I ate breakfast I was reminded of our empty fridge. So I took my note from our board and put it into my pocket. I would go shopping right after school and cook something nice for dad and me.

When I stepped outside my face was greeted by drizzle and I hid under my hood. My truck had some starting difficulties because it really despised rain.

But within five minutes it finally came to life and I drove to school. They just read the news when I saw Alice's car driving on the parking lot right before me.

I followed her and parked next to her yellow Beetle. It perfectly suited her because it showed her bubbly side.

"Mornin' Bella!" She said waiving and walking over to me.

"Morning to you too. You're ready for another day of boredom?"

"You know the old saying Bella, _The show must go on,_" She winked and mentioned how she got sick at home and that she couldn't sleep because the burger had been too much for her.

I really had to laugh because she told it in a very funny way and how her mom had told her not to eat too much because she knew Alice's stomach problems. But she never cared. She said she simply loved food and rather took stomach cramps than missing one tasty fry.

When we went for our classes she asked if she could join our table at lunch because she needed some distraction and really wanted to spend more time with me.

It still felt strange hearing that from someone like Alice considering she was the total opposite of me. But maybe that was the good thing about it and I really enjoyed her company. So of course I gave her a positive answer.

Perhaps I could also ask her about Edward and somehow solve the mystery step by step.

The day wore on and nothing really happened. Just regular school shit. Also I never crossed ways with the Evil. I wasn't even sure if he attended school today.

I didn't even feel so bad; what was strange considering the previous night events. But maybe because I had seen a very vulnerable side of Edward I might hold some power over him.

I didn't want to use it for my advantage and also I didn't think that someone would really believe me if I would tell it. Edward Cullen wasn't someone who would break down sobbing.

As I was putting my school books into my locker I heard someone approaching. I thought it was Angela because she wanted to borrow me one of her books and had told me that she would gave it to me this break.

I closed my locker and did look into an upcoming storm. The green and black were swirling and doing a kind of dance.

Some people stopped and stared when they noticed that Edward wanted to talk to me obviously.

I cleared my throat and wanted to ask what his fucking problem was when his mouth opened,

"If you want to leave me a nice gift then try to send something sexier than that. I'm really not into it. Just like you."

My eyes went wide like saucers. What did he mean? I hadn't sent him anything. And then it hit me. He really wanted to defame me. To be humiliated in front of everyone because he had make the mistake to let me witness something I never should have seen.

In one swift move he pulled something out of his pocket. It was a big, white panty with hearts on it. He just threw it at me and my hand grabbed it automatically.

"Oh and by the way, I think you should shave some more. I saw some nasty hairs on it, Beaver."

People around me started to laugh and my mouth fell open. Did he really just say that?

In this moment Lauren joined Edward and linked her arm with his. She looked at me with furrowed brows and pointed to the panty.

"Oh my gosh. That thing is so nasty. You really tried to get into Edward's pants with that? Don't you have any common sense whoever- you-are. You must be really stupid."

She huffed and asked Edward,

"You're ready to leave Beaver alone?"

I was ready to turn. That was freaking insane. Did I have something written like _Please make fun of me, I really need it_ on my forehead? It was cruel.

And why was no one here to help me? Yeah because I was a loser and didn't have a lot of friends. But who would like to mess with Edward anyways?

He gave me a smirk and when he walked past me a quiet warning flashing in his eyes.

I hadn't the time to process the whole situation. People laughed and started to ask derisive questions like,

"Haven't shaved yet Beaver? Maybe I can lean you my father's razor."

Or

"Maybe you should sell your panty on eBay because there are enough freaks to sniff on it."

It was hell and I had to go through it.

The panty still in my hand I ran. I just couldn't take it anymore. Did he never have enough? He seemed to be schizophrenic and a sadist.

I couldn't hold my tears back anymore as I stood in front of an empty class room. Without really thinking I walked into it and slumped down at the door.

My tears flowed like a river and I dismissed the hideous thing into the bin next to me.

I couldn't get back into class. Everyone was making fun of me. I was ashamed. They really thought I was so desperate to send him worn panties. No one knew me. No one cared.

I didn't know how long I had been sitting on the floor and cried. After a couple of minutes I got hiccups and decided to go to the nurse.

She would see that I wasn't feeling well and send me home hopefully.

As much as I didn't want to do this I couldn't find the strength to go on. Edward just made it perfectly clear that I was nothing again. Maybe I just should end it already so he could do a happy dance that he be rid of me.

I dragged myself to Mrs. Olivia and she saw my eyes and asked me what was wrong. I told her some story and she believed me and told me to rest at home.

The other students whispered behind my back thinking I couldn't hear their mean words. But they hurt just like someone would slice me with a knife.

My sight was blurry as I drove home and it was hard to get air into my lungs. I had to get a tissue because my nose was running the whole time.

When I arrived home I ran inside and crushed down on my bed. I didn't know from where I took the tears which were falling on my pillow. My head hurt and I felt like shit. I screamed when I thought about what Edward had done to me.

I was so freaked out and wrote a text to Angela that I wasn't feeling very well and went home. Also she should tell Alice, so she wouldn't wonder where I was.

This motherfucking idiot. I wished he would rot in hell and never return.

Outside it had stopped raining and I saw a little bit of sun shining through the grey clouds. But it couldn't reach my heart. I was too much out of everything.

I knew that I wouldn't go to school within this week. It just would be too difficult to get up in the morning and having energy for anything. I felt this heaviness on my shoulders already. It pushed me down to the ground and no happy thoughts or nice words could get me out of this darkness.

It would be there and then vanish hopefully. But in this moment I couldn't bring myself to look forward for happiness again. I was so used to blackness that I was afraid of brightness.

This voice inside of me told me that everything was senseless. Why even bother? Why going back to a place where I was mistreated and hadn't a lot of friends? Where I was just doing ordinary.

My mind was clouded and in my haziness I made it up.

I went outside and stepped into my car. Taking the 110 I drove the 40 minutes to my only love.

The sea did await me and my feet got lost into the sand immediately. The sun was gone already and the air got colder.

I liked it and laid down feeling rocks and shells pricking into my back but I couldn't care less.

I would get sandy and dirty but it was worth it.

Also I had started to listen to my music again. And it weren't soothing tones at all. It was sounds to get even angrier and sad. To be furious and guessing why I was so miserable and not getting more from life.

Was there anyone besides my family who truly loved me? Who accepted every flaw and wasn't scared of showing it? Who was there at my side and would support me? Guide me through the bad times and whom I could give back so much more.

There were so many feelings bottled up inside of me and I couldn't find a catalyst to let them out.

I didn't know how they would unload. Where to go with all that energy?

After a while I decided to go to my dear cliff and see how far I could get today.

Slowly I walked the way up and when I reached the top I felt that I had stopped crying finally.

Today I was more fearless than ever and carefully went step by step to the edge. Though I didn't dare to look down I saw the vastness of the ocean and imagined how it could swallow me up.

The music got more intense and I spread out my arms. I felt like flying. What would happen if I would let myself fall?

Would I drown? That didn't seem so bad right now actually. Just being away and the pain would end.

There in the water my mind would decide if it was worth to fight or just let go.

But could I really go through with it?

No one knew that I was here. Maybe they wouldn't even find my body. Disappeared from the world and Edward had to pick a new victim.

My tears returned and I cried out very loudly. Now I really had reached the point of no return and I couldn't decide where I would head to.

Suddenly I heard this song and it gave me power. I got up and faced the dark, deep water.

It was such a rich blue and it would engulf me very soon. I put down my IPod and my keys and as I was about to jump someone grabbed me from behind.

"Don't you dare to jump! I won't let it happen!"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: First of all I want to say ****Thank You**** to all who are reading and reviewing. It really means so much so me and is my drive to go on, because mostly I'm really bad with continuing something :D. Just as cooking and handle stuff without breaking it.**

**I hope you like it.**

I was too surprised to really react. Strong arms circled my waist and I was moved to the end of the cliff. Then he let go of me.

He spun me around and I looked into a slightly familiar face.

"Is it you Bella?" He asked in an unsure way.

I nodded and still couldn't think of his name; also he just saved me from jumping.

"And who are you?" I asked biting my lip.

His brown eyes flickered and he crushed me to his body and gave me a tight hug.

"It's me Bella. Jacob Black. I know you might don't remember me but we knew each other when we were kids. Your dad goes fishing with mine occasionally."

Now it dawned on me. Black hair, toned skin and this smile. He always had made me laugh. As I remembered correctly I also got a photo of him and me building a sand castle stuffed somewhere in an album.

I felt his hand stroking over my hair gently and I rested my head on his shoulder.

He didn't mention what he just did but I was pretty sure he would do this very soon. Also I couldn't speak. I couldn't even cry. My mind was in a gutter and all I felt was numbness.

We stayed like this for a few minutes until he released me.

"Please take your stuff and then I will bring you home. If that's okay with you?" Jacob asked me.

"Yeah sounds like a very good idea. Wait a second."

I took my keys and IPod and stuffed it into my jacket, then he took my hand and led me down to the small parking lot.

"You'll drive in front of me and I follow right behind. K?"

"Ok," was the only thing I could reply. Not even the cold breeze would wake me up.

Now I was on autopilot and made it to our house in no time. I just focused on the street in front of me and the music in my car. I wouldn't let my mind go to this special place where I almost did something awful.

Jacob stopped right behind me and walked me to the front door. I looked into his eyes and formed a muted _Thank you_ while he wiped a tear from my eye. I hadn't even felt it coming.

"I know we haven't seen each other in a very long time but I'll be there for you. Here's my number," he scribbled it down and gave me the little paper. "You can call whenever you want. Maybe I can visit you within the next days? I think we should talk about what happened."

"Or didn't happen," I said giving him a sheepish smile.

He took my hand and gave it an assuring squeeze.

"I'll call you. I promise. And yes it would be nice to have company. Thanks."

Jacob smiled and gave me a last hug before he said his good bye and drove back home.

My gaze followed his car until I couldn't see it anymore.

What was I supposed to think and feel right now? I felt so many things at the same time.

But for the time being I tried to suppress them and went with being numb. It would protect me and keep myself save.

I went inside and remembered that dad and I wanted to watch a movie tonight and that we hadn't anything to eat.

School was over by the time I arrived at the store and the sun settled to go down.

My hands grabbed a cart and I made my way through the small shop. Ron's food market wasn't really crowed so I got the groceries very quickly and paid by cash. After I was done I drove back home and unpacked everything.

I really bought a lot of stuff and wanted to make a big dinner. Charlie didn't know what I had gone through today and if he would, it would simply break his heart. I just couldn't tell him and hoped Jacob wouldn't either.

Deciding to make a special receipt from this new cooking show I started to chop the ingredients and boiled everything what had to be boiled. Also I changed a few things because I knew my father didn't really like any spicy things.

Once his face got red like a tomato when he had taken Tabasco instead of Ketchup. We had been in a restaurant in Florida visiting my mom. He started to cough and screamed for something to quench the burning. After he had almost drunken a whole bottle of water he still didn't feel better. Mom told him to order some milk. So he drank chocolate milk for the rest of the night and was in a very bad mood.

I had to smile thinking about this night. It had been fun and we still could mock him about it.

After I prepared everything, I put it into the oven and watched TV for a little while. Just as I was watching _The world according to Paris_ our house telephone rung.

Immediately I felt anxious because I probably had to lie again and explain myself.

"Swan."

"Hey Bella. It's me Angela. I just wanted to hear how you feel. Are you better now?"

I had to swallow all words and tried to concentrate on something to say.

"Thanks for calling Ange. I don't know. Something was wrong with my stomach and…"

"Bella I know about the incident with Edward. You don't need to lie anymore," she said softly.

I didn't know what to say. Of course she would know. The whole damn school knew it probably.

"It was horrible," I said lamely.

"Did he really threw this thing on you and gave you that crude nickname? I heard it during lunch. Alice also had been there and she started a fight with Edward. It was ugly. I'm sorry Bella. I wish I had been there earlier but I had met Ben and forgot the time when I was talking to him," Angela said in a quiet voice.

Ben was her crush and had been for the last year.

"Yes he did that. And I swear to God I didn't do what he said I did. I don't know from where he got this panty. Also you are right with the nickname…" My voice faltered and I really tried to keep the numbness at bay.

"It was just too much to take, you know? I had to go home, couldn't deal with it this time. And you said Alice started a fight?"

"More like a little riot," She said chuckling. "I think I saw her throwing jelly in his face and he was so mad. They screamed at each other and some teacher brought them to director Burke. Haven't seen them since."

I really started to wonder. Had this fight really been about me?

"And it was because Alice had heard what Edward had done to me?"

Angela laughed.

"Of course silly. Before that I had told her that you couldn't come because you were sick and she started to worry. Then this skank Lauren told us that you were probably hiding somewhere because Edward had made a little fun of you. In an instant Alice had walked over to the table Edward was sitting at and wanted to know what he did to you. I just saw him laughing before Alice took the jelly and smeared it in his hair."

Now I couldn't hold it back anymore and started to laugh.

"Angela, I wish I could have seen this. Edward and his precious hair. I mean he deserves worse than jelly but it sounds like fun."

She agreed with me and asked if I would return to school by tomorrow. I said I wouldn't because I needed to rest and get away from all this fucked up shit.

Angela understood and told me that she would bring my homework on Friday, so that she could help and finish it together with me because she and I shared almost all of our classes.

I thanked her and told her to take care before I put the receiver down.

Jellyward I nick named him in my mind and had to stifle a laugh.

Alice was one of a kind and I really had to talk to her. I hoped that Burke hadn't done anything bad to her. My heart was filled with joy when I thought how she stood up for me. Maybe she was the only one who had a fair chance regarding Edward.

I went to my room and switched my mobile phone on because I had turned it off when I went to LaPush.

Immediately it peeped and I saw that I had two missed calls and three text messages, one from Angela and two from Alice.

Angela had wished me well and Alice did also ask what was going on. But her second text was slightly different,

_Bella, I kicked his ass for you. I'__m sorry for what he did to you. Burke sent us home for the rest of the day. Pls give me a call as soon as you read this. Love, Alice_

Promptly I dialed her number and she picked up after the second ring.

"Bella! Finally you're calling. I was really worried. You're fine?"

"Yes I am. You know the show must go on."

"Stop stealing my phrases," she said giggling.

While we spoke I lay down on my bed and played with a strayed curl of my hair.

"Alice, you were the first to steal. Ask Freddy about it."

"Ok you won Bella…" She paused and held off for a few seconds.

"You're still there?" I asked.

"I'm sorry. I really am for Edward. He confessed to me that you didn't send him these panties but that everyone else is thinking this by now. I really had a hard time to get the truth. Sometimes he is so stubborn. I am ashamed of him and he knows that. I know that doesn't make it better for you but at least someone hold him accountable. I also told mom. She got furious and Edward was grounded immediately."

I didn't know what to say but it felt nice to know that he didn't escape unscathed.

"Alice I really appreciate what you did for me because I think I am too weak to defend myself. It was really hurtful."

"Aww Bella. Don't take it too hard on you. This was the first and last time that he bothered you. I know Edward isn't perfect but he can be so different when he really wants to. I mean you both never clashed before, right?"

Now it was now or never. Should I tell Alice what her brother had done to me in the several years or should I keep this just between me and him?

"You're right Alice. I don't know why he picked me but I didn't think that he would have a problem with me because actually something like that never happened before."

And it was done. She wouldn't have to worry more than necessary. I thought she didn't have it easy at home right now, why should I drive a wedge between them?

Alice was sensible so much I knew. She was a year younger than Edward but had skipped a class when she arrived here because she was going to do that in Chicago either way.

I had to deal with it myself and it wouldn't be an easy fight.

"I'm glad that you're alright. So… I'm looking forward for this Saturday to finally go shopping and take your mind off these stupid things. Oh did I tell you that my mom preponed the party?"

"No you didn't. When will it be?"

"This Saturday, because next weekend she's going on an unexpected business trip. Is that okay?"

"Yeah I think so. You know it's my first party with a requirement of having a nice dress."

Alice squeaked.

"Belllaaaa! Now I'm even more looking forward to this day. You will look beautiful once I'm done with you. I mean you will look more beautiful than you already do. My mind is sorting all the fashion options. I'll have to get an update right now on my blogs. Or do you object?"

I grinned.

"What is there to object? I'll be your personal Barbie and you can do whatever you want to. I'm perfectly fine with that."

I guessed that Alice was exploding right now. Actually I wasn't really into fashion and put on what I think could fit but after this day I owned her.

"Ok Bella, then I talk to you tomorrow in school?"

Hesitating I pulled on my hair a little bit too hard.

"I won't be there Alice. You know I just don't feel like it but I promise to be there on Saturday."

"That's fine with me Bella. I mean I am not but you know what I mean. I think you know what's best for you and you can call me if you need anything. As your friend I demand that you will call me." Alice giggled again.

My heart skipped a beat. She called me her friend. Maybe it was a little bit fast but it was definitely the beginning of a friendship and it just felt right to call her that.

"I will, you little whirlwind. Thanks for kicking some ass today. See you on Saturday."

"It was my honour. Bye Bells."

After I hung up I heard footsteps downstairs. Dad had been coming home and I never had been happier to see him.

I went into the kitchen and saw him open the oven.

"Hey dad, you're finally home," I said beaming with joy.

He turned around and looked at me questioningly.

"Did we have an appointment I forgot again?"

I shook my head and went over to him.

"No, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. You're the best dad in the world."

With that I embraced him. My father wasn't so much of an emotional talker but he always showed me affection through his actions.

The same eyes as mine looked at me and he smiled.

"Bella, that's a nice surprise. I love you too girl. And it smells delicious in here."

After our emotional hello dad helped me setting the table and getting the food ready. Also we turned on the radio and listened to an oldie station.

Dad really had been hungry and shoveled everything inside his mouth.

"Be careful, you're gonna choke. There's still dessert to come."

"But Bella this stuff is so good and I hadn't time to eat that much today. What's for dessert?"

"That's a surprise," I told him and he looked like a sad puppy.

As I had mentioned the dessert dad ate just a tiny bit slower and curiously eyed the fridge.

"Thank you Bells for buying all that stuff. Did you take the money from the cupboard?"

"No dad. I didn't think about it. Paid with my money."

"Then take some of it later and use it wisely."

Of course I still had to tell him that I had left school today and wanted to stay at home. Mrs. Olivia hadn't called him because she meant that 17 was an age where you could be responsible for yourself.

Therefore I had made him his most favorite dessert. It was a dainty chocolate cake with a soft crème filling inside. It would be gone within minutes.

He was drooling when he saw it and really did savour it.

"Dad you think you still can move?" I asked him playfully.

His hand stroked over his stomach and a loud burp slipped out his mouth. He quickly covered it.

I started to laugh very loud. Dad turned red and excused himself several times until he joined my laughing.

Half an hour later we stood in front of the TV and decided what to watch. I wanted to try _Cloudy with a chance of meatballs_ whereas dad was more into a classic. Because I really did love that movie too we put it into the DVD player.

We started to snort as soon as we heard,

_All right! Excellent!_

_Excellent._

_Ok. Extreme close-up!_

_Excellent._

_Excellent extreme close-up._

_Now it's Wayne's World's Totally Amazing Excellent Discoveries._

Also we abandoned the idea of popcorn because we still were pretty much stuffed. Right after _Bohemian Rhapsody _I started to talk again,

"Ehm dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Today in school I really hadn't felt good and went home. I might think about staying here until Friday."

He looked at me and asked concerned,

"What's going on Bells? You need to see a doctor?"

"I don't think so. I had a very bad headache and you know… Female problems."

"Oh I as long as you can handle it I think you can stay. I'm sorry that I can't help you in this field."

He blushed and I patted his hand.

"It's fine with me. Thank you dad. I'll call the school by tomorrow and let them know. And now let's enjoy the movie."

He agreed and we had so many laughs that my stomach had started to hurt.

After we watched the whole credits we made ourselves ready for bed.

As I stood in front of the mirror I looked at my eyes. It seemed now that I was alone I let the life drain. My energy was gone and the tears treated to reappear at any moment.

It had been such a demanding day and it almost lead to a suicide attempt.

When I had watched dad today I had such a guilty conscience. This day could have taken a totally different path if it hadn't been for Jacob.

My lips started to quiver when I felt the cold breeze again and the hollowness in my body. There was something missing. Some sense of life. Something to hold on and move forward.

I knew that there was Alice and she really was my rock without even knowing it. But I didn't know how close I should come to her because she still was Edward's sister.

If I would visit her mom's party there was the chance of crossing ways with him and I really didn't want that. I didn't think that he really would leave me alone. But maybe I would just stay at Alice's side and try to be nonchalant about everything.

Brushing my teeth I thought about how much power he held over me and I decided to confront him sooner or later. I couldn't pretend anymore that everything was okay. He literally had pushed me to the edge already and should be aware of the consequences.

And if he wouldn't stop then I would tell someone. I would find the strength and fight back because there were a few people who were worth fighting for.

I wouldn't let them down by taking my own life. It wouldn't solve any problems and I still had so much to live for.

Maybe it was _Lifeline_ by Angels & Airwaves which gave me the courage to see clear again. Sometimes it was such an up and down. Feeling good and feeling bad were constantly changing. Every now and then I felt so fragile. Just one wrong move from someone and I broke.

_If you wish it, wish it now.  
>If you wish it, wish it loud.<br>If you want it, say it now.  
>If you want it, say it loud.<em>

But with that upcoming feeling in my mind I know that I stood a chance. I almost had made the biggest mistake in my life - how could it get any worse? From now on it should go uphill.

_We all make mistakes.  
>Here's your lifeline.<br>If you want it, I want to.  
>We all make mistakes.<br>Here's your lifeline.  
>If you want to I want to<em>

I smiled and touched my face in the milky glass. This was me and I was the only one to decide how to live my life. To be a victim or someone with a decent amount of power.

Edward just could hurt me as much as I let him.

All these revelations followed me into bed. But I knew these phases. I was in a total high until I was dragged down again. It was a constant battle.

But in this moment I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to feel good and sleep. Before my eyes closed I wrote a text to Jacob,

_Thank you again J. Maybe you can visit me tomorrow? I'm home and you can come over whenever you want. Thanks to you I'll see the sun rising again. Bella_

I knew that this was a very bold and true message but why should I hide from him?

Within five minutes I got a response,

_I'm glad you feel better now. I will be there by 11. Have good dreams Bella :). Jacob_

It was short but sweet and it warmed my heart.

This night my dreams were filled with salty ocean air. I was on the cliff again and thought about jumping down. Also I noticed that Edward was at my side. His green eyes were piercing and I could see that their colour changed. From a deep grass green to dark ochre and in the end black. But I wasn't afraid and took his hand when he reached out to me.

"We are both going to die together Bella."

"I know Edward but that's fine because I can die at your side."

He gave me a lopsided grin and took one step closer. The depths of his eyes weren't black anymore but had changed to smoldering amber and his lips looked so inviting.

"I'm going to kiss you now because I want it to be the last thing I feel before I fall into oblivion."

I smiled and closed my eyes. It felt so right and I really wanted it to happen.

Our lips connected and we both were surrounded by waves and cold water. We were still lost and didn't part though we sunk to the ground.

Before I finally drowned I was awoken by a loud noise. My mind was still hazy but I knew that it had been a thunderclap and the rain was pitter-pattering against the window. Sweat was covering my body and it took a little while to come back to reality.

That was a fucked up dream. Really it was. Weren't dreams something your conscious was trying to tell you? Or something you had to process? But why on earth would I like to kiss Edward or be happy to die on his side?

It was 3:17 a.m. and now I was tossing and turning. I never had a problem remembering dreams. Mostly they stuck in my head like normal memories. But this one really had been strange because I never had thought about Edward this way before. Never saw him as someone I wanted to share affection with.

But who hadn't dreamt something totally absurd before? Probably it was just nothing but there was this nagging feeling before my eyes felt heavy again.

When I woke up it was time to call the school. I quickly took care of it and made plans what to do this day. Dad had written me a short note that I should take care of it and if I needed something I should take his money. Enclosed was a 20 Dollar bill.

Again I ate some froot loops and watched the time ticking away. It was shortly after eight and I felt relaxed and not so bad because I didn't go to school. There were no major tests or projects. The rest I would finalize with Angela.

Also I hadn't to encounter Edward and a day without him was a very good day.

I knew that dad would come from work at around one p.m. and then return in the evening. Right now a lot of people were sick and they worked shifts.

We could eat lunch together. I opt for pasta and salad. It wasn't too difficult to make and tasted downright good.

By nine I was showered and had cleaned my room as well picked up all our dirty clothes and put it into the washing machine.

Also I started to scrub the surfaces of our kitchen supplies. It should be spotless. At least once in awhile.

I had to watch the time because I knew Jacob would arrive very soon and I felt happy to see his face again.

Eleven on the dot someone knocked on the door and I hurried to open it. Quickly I had changed into something more than sweat pants and an old t-shirt.

"Hey Jacob please come in," I said smiling.

"Hey there, too. Here these are for you. Saw them and thought that I should bring them because every girl loves flowers, right?"

Jacob smirked and gave me a little bouquet of different wildflowers. This was the first time a guy gave me flowers and they smelled wonderful.

"Thank you Jacob. I will put them in a vase. Please take a seat. Oh, and do you want something to drink?"

Jacob thought about it and answered,

"Yes, I'd like to have water or some kind of juice. I'm not really picky."

He sat down on the couch and looked relaxed. I went to the kitchen and found a dusty vase. Living with my dad normally didn't include any kinds of flowers. I filled it with water and put them inside. After that I took the orange juice from the fridge and poured ourselves two glasses.

"There you go," I said and gave him his drink.

"Thank you. And you're welcome regarding the florets. Actually it was the idea of my girlfriend Leah. I mean I saw them but she said I should bring them to you," he said letting out a loud chuckle.

"The thought is what counts," I replied joyfully.

Right after that we started to talk and shared some old memories and he told me that he worked as a mechanic in Port Angeles and that he was going to marry next year. Also because he had taken holiday this week Jacob had been able to visit me today.

He was about four years older than me and had finished school around my age. Also I told him that I was still in high school and hadn't yet decided to which university I would apply. Firstly my grades had to get a little bit better; otherwise I wouldn't have so many options.

We talked and talked. It was so easy to speak to him. Often he would crack a joke and put a huge smile on my face. He and I were on the same page and I really enjoyed our time.

After one hour it started to get serious. He told me that he had taken a walk on the beach yesterday and that he had seen me sitting on the cliff. Jacob thought it looked strange and so he had to check it out. When he was about to ask me what I was doing he had gotten up already and was ready to jump. He really didn't think about it and grabbed me. The rest was history.

Sheepishly I looked down and took a deep breath of air because I was ready to open myself. I kinda trusted him and wanted to get it off my chest,

"You know it all started when I was little…"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Wow I really did it! I'm here at my parents and actually being busy being lazy but the story just wrote itself again! When I googled the mall in Port Angeles I instantly decided to take Seattle :D. Also if you can laugh at the videos of **_**Lonely Island**_** we share the same kind of**** humour**** ;).**

**And now enjoy, please.**

I had a hard time to find the right words.

"In kindergarten I often saw the moms picking up their children whereas I had to stay longer or old Mrs. Henderson took me and watched me until my dad picked me up. You know my parents divorced just when I was two. My dad raised me on his own and I'm proud of him. He always tried to do the best for me."

My eyes drifted to the open window and I saw the trees moving with the wind.

"So it was normal for you just to have your dad but you kinda miss your mom?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah I did. I mean she didn't abandon me because she tried to call me as often as she could and wrote postcards from all over the world. But still she wasn't there. Also I visited her during the last year's summer vacations because before that she often travelled around. I asked myself several times why she wasn't there."

Jacob looked at me and gave me an assuring smile.

"Did you ask her that? Did you talk with her about your feelings?"

I shook my head and replied,

"No I never did because I thought it wouldn't change a thing. I am used to live with my father and so many children don't know one of their parents and are perfectly fine with it. Maybe it was because she left. You know normally a mom stays with her child at all costs. Sometimes I thought about the reasons she didn't want me. Also I always had a tendency to retreat very quickly if something happened which wasn't normal."

I huffed and sipped on my glass.

"Sometimes you just have it in you. This little bit of darkness and it grows bigger within the time. In elementary school I had one best friend but she moved away a couple of years later. It was always quite difficult for me to find new friends. I wasn't an outcast so to say but I also never really felt I was a part of something. Furthermore dad did work a lot and I often had been alone at home. Sometimes I really hated it but I know that he had to do this. He had to provide for his little family."

Jacob stood and took a seat next to me.

"I think I should be near you if you need a hug or something," he said and I was quite touched by it.

"Why you're so nice to me Jacob?"

He looked at me not quite understanding.

"Because I like you Bella and I want to know what made you decide to jump off that accursed cliff. You have these sad eyes and I want to make it better."

I had to swallow very hard and looked away.

"Thank you. Just you listening means a lot to me," I whispered.

"So I tried to handle everything as good as I could but always when I returned from a visit from my mom I missed her terribly. I was at an age where you're thinking and body started to change and I had some questions which I didn't want to ask my dad. I just needed the guidance of a woman. I know that sounds stupid but it is what it is."

"Nah it's not stupid Bella. Everyone deals with situations differently and this was your way."

I leaned my head on his shoulder and continued,

"Then junior high started and I found Angela and a handful of other people. We became friends very quickly and slowly I got better. I was more balanced and hadn't ups and downs that often. I was distracted and had support. But then it changed. There was this new family coming into town and with that my life went downhill."

Jacob rubbed my back and it soothed me.

"What did happen Bella?" He asked concerned.

"There was this girl Alice and her brother Edward. I didn't share any classes with the guy but Alice was with me in Math. Sometimes she tried to start a conversation with me but I held back mostly. I cannot say why exactly because she was really nice but I was quite shy and she was a little bit overwhelming with all her energy. At this time I was confused anyways and happy to have some people to go to."

"So when she asked me if we wanted to do something I declined or found an excuse. After a while she got the hint and didn't ask me anymore but still was nice to me. In contrast to her brother. Every girl in our school swooned over Edward because he didn't look so bad and had this rebellious attitude. You could literally feel his self-confidence coming off him."

"The bad guy every girl wants, am I right?" Jacob asked and chuckled to himself.

"I guess you could say so. You know we never had a fight or even really talked. He just started to pick on me. He's like the secret king of our high school. Gets all the girls he wants, every guy wants to be his friend and above that seems to be very smart. But all I could see was his mischievous side. I got a lot of pranks to endure."

"This Edward guy is a bully?"

"I don't know. I mean yes but… He is just a bully to me. It seems I am his only victim. Mostly no one is interested in messing with him. I never did something to him but maybe he looked for the weakest link and found it in me."

I buried my face into my hands and closed my eyes.

"This fucked up asshole is confusing as shit. I don't know why he just can't fucking let go. Last time he told me I was worthless."

Jacob took my hands and said,

"Bella, never listen to what this idiot is saying. He just wants to make you miserable because he isn't happy with his life. He wants to make himself feel better, so he doesn't have to figure out his own problems. You are not worthless in any way. You are a beautiful young woman who hasn't found her place yet. Don't let him get under your skin."

"I did already Jacob. You know the day before yesterday I had met with Alice and after that drove home. He was here and waited for me. After he invited himself in he broke down and cried. Then he started to laugh and told me he was sorry. After that he absconded. This had been very surreal."

Jacob furrowed his brows and let go of my hands crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"This is quite strange Bella. Why would he do this? It seems there is more to this guy than the meets the eye."

He still was lost in his thoughts when I carried on,

"Talk about strange… The next day after that, yesterday, everything was normal until he met me at my locker. He gave me an old panty and told me in front of everybody that I should stop sending him these and gave me the nickname _Beaver_ because he said he had found some hairs on it. I had been too stunned to actually reply. Everyone made fun of me and it was just too much to take."

Jacob looked at me and shook his head.

"Bella this guy is really, I don't know, fucked up? Just as you said before. I really would like to give him a good beating or two…" He contemplated.

"Maybe I could assist you," I said smiling.

"And because of that you drove to LaPush?" Jacob asked seriously.

Hearing the wind chime playing a soft melody I started to get nervous.

"Yeah it was basically the last straw, I felt very depressed. The beach is my most favorite place to switch off my thoughts. I didn't plan to jump…"I said apologetic.

"It's okay Bella. You don't have to justify yourself. I am here to listen, just as I told you."

"Thank you Jacob... You know, after a while I thought about going up and seeing how far I could get this time. Normally I stayed far away from the edge but everything was upside down in my head. I couldn't see the realness of its all. Then I listened to my music and it encouraged me to make the final step. To leave all my problems behind. It was the perfect solution at this time."

"But now you're happy you didn't do it?" He asked.

I looked him straight into the eye and answered,

"Yes I am. I really am. I don't know where I'm heading to but I think or I hope that it will work anyhow."

"Bella, I think the first thing would be to get yourself stronger. I bet you don't see yourself the way other people see you. You're too busy with hiding. Maybe you should confront Edward or go see a psychologist. To my mind this would be a very good first step. You know the first day of your new life and all that stuff," he said and nudging my shoulder.

"Theoretically it's all so easy, isn't it? I did often think about it but then I felt better again and didn't think I needed it anymore. Also I feel ashamed. Weak. _I_ have to help myself…"

"Nah Bella you are not weak. I mean I'm not an expert regarding depression but as far as I know it's a sickness. And you will be so much stronger in the end. Maybe you should also confide it to your dad. I don't know how much Charlie is aware of your situation..?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know either. It really is hard to open myself. Above all to speak about my feelings and I don't want to be in the center of attention. It's kinda dodgy. But I'll think about what you said. It feels weird that I told you all of that. I mean technically you are a stranger but a stranger who saved my life."

"Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know so well because you don't feel so judged. Oh my God I think all these books my girlfriend is reading are rubbing off me."

"But in a very good way I might add," I said nudging him back.

"Come here," he laughed and embraced me.

I felt his warmth and squeezed back as much as I could.

"Thank you Bella for letting me in. You're already making baby steps and I'll help you along the way."

"Jacob I really cannot thank you enough. I own you big time. I'll update you, I swear."

My gaze lingered on my watch and I noticed it was already 12:40 p.m.

"I'm sorry Jacob but my dad will be here in a few minutes and I haven't even started to prepare lunch. Do you mind?"

"Oh I also have to go. Promised to go shopping with Leah today. God have mercy on my soul if I arrive too late. It was a quite interesting talk Bella. See you soon?" He asked looking at me with those big chocolate brown eyes.

"Of course and now off you go. Please tell Leah I said hello. I really have to meet her soon. She must be a very nice person."

"Yes she is and you do the same with Charlie. Bye Bella."

He gave me a big hug and we said our good byes.

I kind of felt lighter. It was like Jacob had taken a part of my burden. It was so strange but I felt so close to him. Like a big brother I never had. Definitely I would think about his tips and do some googling later on.

I chopped the lettuce and put together a very delicious and healthy salad with turkey strips. Also I made the pasta and almost everything finished just as dad opened the door.

"Hey Bella! Hmm, I could really get used to this, coming home and having food on the table."

"Not yet dad, you have to set the table again and I have to make the tomato sauce. I had a visitor."

Dad got rid of some parts of his uniform and walked over to me getting the plates and cutlery.

"Who was it?"

"Jacob Black, you know Billie's son?"

"Of course I know him Bells. He often helped you building something in the sand. He's a good boy. Did you meet somewhere?" He asked while he tried to steal something from the salad.

"Yeah we kinda met in LaPush at the beach and I invited him over. And you're right he's a really nice boy."

Dad nodded approving and after five minutes we could finally start to eat.

I let him know what Jacob had told me about himself and dad told me that he rather would like to stay at home than staying at the station this night because there was a big football game on TV.

After we had eaten dad decided to take a quick nap in his armchair and I offered to wake him up. He yawned a _Thanks Bells_ and felt asleep almost immediately.

I put everything into the dishwasher and took the clothes out putting them in the dryer. Furthermore I cleaned my room and started to make a to do list.

While I was busy making food Jacob words had been swirling in my head. First point on my list was talking to my dad. This was just the fair thing. Secondly I would google some psychologists in my area and had a talk with my doctor about them. Thirdly I had to held my head high and get a thicker skin. If I couldn't survive high school how would real life be in the end?

Also I would try to be a good friend to Angela and Alice and be more open to my surroundings. And the last thing?

The last thing was Edward.

He the biggest mystery of all and I felt these strange mixed emotions. It was hate and sadness, fear and anger. Above all I had these questions for him. But maybe Jacob was right and Edward had his own fair share of problems.

With these things in mind I prepared myself to take a shower. My IPod was in his piggy docking station and I listened to random songs.

My eyes had been opened a little bit today. I knew that I had a chance. As Jacob said that this was the first day of the end of my life and I had to make it right. Or at least tried to do my best.

I washed my hair trying this new shampoo and took care of my body with a lotion Angela had recommended to me. My skin felt creamy and smooth after I shaved.

Next I grabbed my towel and looked at myself in the large mirror in my bedroom.

I wasn't pretty but I wasn't unattractive either. My brown hair was cascading my shoulders and almost reached my breasts. My body was proportionated in a very good way but I never had cared for my appearance very deeply. I didn't have this connection to my body as most of the other girls had.

Slowly I let my fingers wander over my delicate skin and was covered in goosebumps. My nipples got stiff and I noticed this tingly feeling in my groin. My cheeks got rosy and my breathing faster.

I locked my room and lay down on my comforter. Closing my eyes I imagined someone. Someone who would cover my face with sweet kisses. Whose tongue would slowly enter my mouth and explore its depths.

My hands were heading to places I hadn't been in a very long time. But it really was time for release. I wanted this energy to be gone.

I started to moan when I dreamt of long and lean fingers stroking the insides of my thighs and dipping inside me. Feeling my wetness and arousal. Actually I didn't imagine a special guy; there was just this presence of someone.

Hands were kneading my breasts and I rolled my nipples between my fingers, causing some friction. Lips were also engulfing and sucking them until I felt a little pain. It shot a bolt to my clit and I started to rub it even faster.

_Oh my God this feels so good_ I thought to myself and inserted two fingers. My movements got frenzied and my pulse was racing.

I could feel it building up. Everything was a rush and my mouth got dry.

My body rose as my orgasm hit me. I felt these waves of pure happiness and all of a sudden I saw green eyes - another wave of bliss – full lips – a loud moan – coppery hair and I came undone again.

I felt like mush and my heart was beating at full speed. It was hammering against my chest almost as if it would break out.

_What did just happen?_ Trying to block these pictures I slowly went to the shower again and stayed another ten minutes just relishing the cold spray of ugly awareness.

I felt spend and begun to procrastinate on the internet. I watched videos of hilarious TV shows and cute kittens. Then I logged into Facebook and got myself an update on my favorite bands. After a few minutes I noticed that I got an instant message,

_AtodaC: Hey Bells, what you're up to?_

_Bellissima: __Just cleaned the house. You're online – how so?_

_AtodaC: "Research" ;). We are allowed to use the computer but I'm betting my ass off that no one will accomplish anything ^^. Edward's sitting next to me – he says hi :)._

I had to double read the last sentence. It seemed that he wanted to fuck with my head again. So I decided to simply ignore him.

_Bellissima: Did I miss something__ today? _

_AtodaC: No, I also talked to Angela and she told me she would visit you tomorrow. I'll give her my copied notes from Math for you *dancingpanda*. Uh Edward's getting on my nerves. Just be happy you don't have any siblings…_

_Bellissima: Haha, thank you Alice! Sometimes I wish I would ;)._

Suddenly I recognized I got a new friend's request. I couldn't believe it! He was such a jerk and I decided to delete his request. _Take that asshole._

_AtodaC: I already read some of my fashion blogs and found the perfect dress for you Bella. But I thought about going to Seattle! Port Angeles doesn't have th__at wide range of choice. You're in?_

I didn't have to think twice about it.

_Bellissima: Of course Alice *dancingpanda*. Who will drive? _

_AtodaC: Edward was so nice to offer his beloved Volvo. He wanted to visit someone in Seattle anyways and it's a big, comfy car. He promised to be nice to you! Is that okay? Otherwise we will take my car. He will only be our driver :P._

Now I had to swallow and felt anxious again. But just for a short time because I remembered Jacob's words and my thoughts. I wouldn't be a victim anymore and also I had Alice on my side.

_Bellissima: Yeah it's kinda strange but okay ;). I'm looking forward for Seattle, haven't been there for a long time…_

_AtodaC: I know it's weird but I will give him a talking if he's trying something funny. Because I'm da boss 8D._

I had to laugh, this was so Alice.

_Bellissima:_ _Like a boss by Lonely Island, Alice?_

_AtodaC: Yeahhhhhhh111! You've seen it?_

_Bellissima: Coincidentally today :D. I couldn't stop laughing; watched almost all of their vids!_

_AtodaC: Another reason why I like you so much ;). Oh, teacher's going to have a look! I'm off pretending doing something. C U xoxo_

_Bellissima: ByeBye!_

With that I finished my conversation with Alice and started to download some music on ITunes. Again I had these mixed feelings. I loved Seattle and it was great to go there with Alice. It was such a fun time to be around her and I also was in for the shopping. It also had been a very long time that I spend a lot of money for anything nice to dress in.

Alice was a little fashionista and I would be in good hands. Maybe it was time for a change and I also could get my hair done. It looked so boring and plain. I started to make plans and finished some open homework when it was time to wake up dad.

"Dad, it's time to go," I whispered in his ear.

Reluctantly he opened his eyes and got up.

"What's up Bella? You seem so happy," he asked while he dressed himself again.

"Actually Alice Cullen…"

"The girl who helped you?"

"Yeah this girl. Actually we wanted to go shopping in Port Angeles this Saturday but she asked if we could go to Seattle. And her mom preponed her party also to this date. Would that be okay for you? Alice's brother Edward would drive us."

"Sounds like fun Bella. It's time that you get out of this house. I will meet with Billie at this weekend anyway. You're going to stay at Alice's house?"

"Uh actually we haven't talked about the details yet but maybe this would be a good idea."

"If her mom allows it, because then I would stay over at the reservation and try to get some break from work. This Edward, is he okay?" He asked, _again_ in cop mode.

"He is also in my senior class and as a matter of fact I never really had anything to do with him but Alice is a really nice gal and I think there will be no problems."

"I trust you Bella. You're old enough to go out and have fun. Just let me know if you have any problems and I can get you some money if you'd like to?"

One year ago I had worked at Newton's Outfitters but they needed someone more qualified and a longtime worker, so they sadly cut me loose. I still got money from my mom every month for college and child support.

"Wait a second Bella," dad said and went to his room.

As he came back he held something with a little tie.

"Because it's almost your birthday I want to give you that."

He handed me a small card with a sailboat on it.

"A credit card? Thank you dad!" I yelled and hugged him.

"You're welcome girl. Thought you liked boats and the ocean. Just use it with care but I know you will and now excuse me." He kissed my forehead and headed out.

It was such a nice and little gesture. My dad was the best and I had a new credit card I could put to test on Saturday, though he was right I wouldn't overuse it.

The rest of the day I took a long walk in the woods and saw quite a few deer. The whole time I stayed on a track so I couldn't get lost. The air was fresh and the trees seemed even bigger than they usually were. I felt quite good as I watched a squirrel eating a nut and listening to all kinds of birds.

This was the only nice thing about Forks. It had such a rich nature.

I listened to Deftones _Be quite and drive far away_ and started to run back home because this song gave me so much energy.

_This town  
>Don't feel mine<br>I'm fast to  
>Get away<br>Far_

_I dressed you  
>In her clothes<br>Now drive me  
>Far<br>Away _

_It feels good to know you're all mine  
>So drive me far<br>Away _

_Far away  
>I don't care where, just far<br>Away  
>I don't care where, just far<br>Away  
>I don't care!<em>

Soon I would be far away. And even if it was just Seattle and I had to sit in Edward's car it would be a nice day so I hoped. But also it would be stressful with the party in the evening.

I heard that Alice mother Esme organised them every year. And every year she donated the money to a different charity. Many people were invited and had to pay 150 $ for a ticket, so they donated at least a little bit. I just noticed that I had never had asked Alice what her mom did for a living but I could ask her personally the day after tomorrow.

The rest of the day I did some chores, talked to Angela and watched reruns of old sitcoms like _Full House _or_ Roseanne._

As I felt my eye lids getting heavier I went to bed and had a dreamless and easeful sleep in a very long time.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm sorry that it took so long but there was a weekend and a shitload of work (mostly I start to write at work). And right now it is so damn warm! I had to force myself to bring this chapter to life. BTW I imagine Edward like Tyler as in **_**Remember Me. **_**Feel free to review and thanks for all comments and everything :).**

I was awoken by a loud yelling. I tried to find out what it had been but couldn't think of anything. Therefore I made my way to my door lazily and opened it,

"Dad everything ok?"

"Yeah Bella, everything's fine. Just bumped into the living room table."

"Ok," I mumbled and yawned big time.

I looked at the clock and noticed that it wasn't even six. So I headed back into my bed and got lost into my soft blanket. It didn't take very long before I fell asleep again.

The next time I looked at my clock it was 10:30 a.m. and I felt like a big, fat cat for sleeping so long.

I did my morning routine and ate some breakfast, then I cleaned a little bit and watched TV. Actually it was almost the same as the day before. Slowly I started to kinda miss school. At least it gave you something to do.

After long and dragged hours I started my laptop and thought about university again. The new school year had just started recently but I really had to get myself going.

University wasn't so far away anymore and I still hadn't any plan really. I had googled all sorts of unis and couldn't wrap my mind around it.

Maybe I should talk with Angela about this. Mostly she had a plan already. At least I knew what I wanted to study. Since I was little I was not only interested in music but words played a big role in my world also.

I loved books and visited the library on a regular basis. I really loved to learn new words and get pulled into different worlds. My fantasy was unlimited.

And if I could study English Literature a dream would come true.

After I finished my search I took the book I had read in the library when Edward had disturbed me. _Edward_, his name was like a curse. It brought just bad things with it.

I slouched in our old armchair in the living room and begun to read.

Time was passing by and I only stopped reading when I had to go to the bath or drink something. I was so captivated by the story. I really wished I was as strong as the main character.

My dad was disturbing my reverie when he was returning from work. Immediately he sat down and took a deep breath.

"Is it good?" He asked pointing to my book.

"You have no idea dad. Mom did a real good job with that one. How was work?"

"Ah I'm so happy when I have a normal schedule again. I'm not 20 anymore." He grinned and walked into the bath.

Next he returned and had changed clothes.

"When was the last time you talked to your mom?"

I had to think for a few seconds.

"Maybe two weeks ago. You know, she and Phil went on a cruise."

"Yeah right. Forgot it. You're going to do something today?"

"Angela is coming over and is bringing my homework. So we will have a very fun night." I said sarcastically.

"That's very hard Bells. I'm going to meet some guys down at the bar tonight. You're okay with that?"

"Of course dad. Another game?"

"Finally one I can watch live. We still have some leftovers from yesterday?"

I stood up and together we reheated the food and ate while discussing some universities.

So hours elapsed and when I heard the doorbell I almost jump off my chair.

Dad had opened the door and greeted Angela friendly.

"Hey Ange, thanks for coming over. Just come with me."

She said her hello and followed me to my room.

"You're ready for some action Bella?" She said looking a little bit exhausted.

"Totally… What's up? You look tired."

"I am Bella. The wedding… Carol is driving everyone insane. I never had thought that she would turn into a Bridezilla but now we all have to deal with it. And you really didn't miss that much. Alice was so nice and gave me her Math notes."

"I'm sorry Angela but I guess Carol is just over-excited and doesn't know where to go with her whole energy. When do you need my help with your speech anyways?"

Angela sat down on the desk chair and looked at the ceiling.

"The best thing is when we don't talk about any wedding stuff at all. There is still some time with the speech but this weekend is reserved for peaceful things normal teenagers do," she said grinning again.

"Ok you're the boss. What do you want to start first?"

After that we dove right into the fun being a student in highschool but we finished after one and a half hour because two brains worked always faster than just one.

"Finally!" I announced happily and threw my pencil away.

"We're awesome," she said while eating some cookies dad had brought us when he went to the bar.

"Come here," I told her and we sat down on my bed and ate the tasty meal in silence.

"Did anything happen within the last days?"

Angela shook her head.

"Not really. Just regular stuff. Of course the fight between Alice and Edward was the hot topic but today it had been Jessica's skin colour. It was hilarious because she was orange, literally. But she could laugh about it also."

"What did happen?" I asked and imagined Jessica looking like an Oompa Loompa.

"She tried something at home and took a little bit too much. That's it. What about you Bella? Do you feel good?"

I looked down at my intertwined fingers.

"I think so. I talked to Alice the same day. She's such a nice person. I'm gonna meet with her tomorrow. You remember the charity party her mom is doing?"

Her eyes got bigger.

"You have an invitation? That's cool. Yeah I also like Alice. She seems pretty down to earth."

"She invited me when she started to tutor Math to me and tomorrow we will go to Seattle and looking for clothes. The only thing is that Edward will be our driver. That's what I'm not really looking forward to."

Angela patted my leg.

"You'll be fine Bella and have tons of fun. Don't let yourself dragged down by this one guy. Maybe he will be different than the Edward we know."

"You mean I should give him a chance to get to know him better?"

She shrugged her shoulders and replied,

"I don't know but I think everyone has different sides and we don't see all of them. I also think he is an asshole for what he did to you but maybe there's a reason why he's acting this way."

I huffed loudly.

"What reason would this be? Maybe he has simply fun bullying me? I don't think that I want to know his_ other_ sides."

"I'm sorry Bella. I just wanted to say…"

"It's okay Ange. I know you give everyone a second chance because you have such a big heart and I admire you for that. Let's not talk about this anymore. You want to watch a movie with me?"

"Thank you. But you're not so bad yourself. Let me see what you have."

We decided for _Shakespeare in love_ and Pizza with unhealthy sugar drinks.

It was almost ten when the movie ended and some tears were escaping our eyes.

"Maybe their love was so strong because her fate was sealed already." Angela sobbed.

"I think that was the magic. And Joseph Fiennes looked hot, don't you think?"

"He totally did. I wish I could be his Viola and live with him happily ever after."

"What about Ben?" I said and nudged her.

"Joseph will be my weekend lover," she said and winked.

I smiled and looked for something to stuff into my mouth.

"Do we still have some pizza?" I asked looking around.

"Nope. We are two greedy women." She laughed and I had to join her.

We watched TV and I started to ask her about her plans for university.

She told me that she wanted to stay near Forks and probably go to Seattle or Washington University. Angela was really close to her family and loved her home. I really couldn't blame her because I also didn't want to leave my dad.

We discussed some pro and cons and she promised me she would get some material for me because she had been busy collecting information brochures of all kinds of academies. Just to be safe.

One more hour passed until she said goodbye and wished me luck and fun for this weekend. I thanked her again for her visit and gave her an extra-long hug.

After that I cleaned my room and went into my shower. It had been a really joyful evening and Angela had proved again that she was a friend to be valued deeply. But the warm water couldn't wash away my feelings regarding tomorrow.

Was there more to Edward like Angela had suggested? Maybe he would stay silent for the three hours long drive. Perhaps he also would play an act as long as Alice was around and show his true colours afterwards.

But I knew that thinking this was fruitless because the future was the future and there wasn't a damn thing that I could do about it.

So I shaved and made myself feel refreshed again. I sang along to happy and positive songs like _Fat Lip_ by Sum 41. I simply loved this song and rapped along with the lyrics.

Afterwards I showed my best rap performance to the mirror and felt all bubbly inside.

It had been a long time where I had felt so careless and there was this thirst for action which made me still grinning when I had disappeared into the width of the book I had read today.

My dreams where revolving around the story and I had to fight for my life.

Just as I was about to rescue some other tribute I heard my mobile phone ringing.

Groggily I reached for it and saw Alice's number. It was 5:30 a.m. for God's sake.

"Alice, you're crazy?" I asked her sleepily.

"Morning to you too Bella. I'm sorry I know it's early but I was so excited that I couldn't get any sleep anymore. I thought about what time we should go and best thing would be in half an hour. You know three hours can be a long time and the highway won't be that full and we have more time to shop and get ourselves ready afterwards."

My right hand rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"I am Bella. But I'll buy you something from Starbucks as compensation for this ambush."

"Hm okay Alice. I'll be out waiting for you then. Bye."

"Bye Bella." She cheered.

It took a few minutes to actually get up. I splashed some cold water into my face and brushed my teeth. Also I put on some light make up and looked for something decent to wear. I decided for jeans and an old Beatles shirt. I let breakfast slip and wrote a note to my dad.

The cold morning air was waking me up slowly and I listened to Air's _Talisman_. The ground was covered by fog. It was so calm and it felt good to be surrounded by nature.

Stifling a yawn I looked at my watch and all of a sudden heard a loud sound.

His big, black Volvo had arrived. I took my Ipod and put into my bag while I walked toward the car.

Alice opened her door and started to yell,

"Morning beautiful! Come here and sit with me in the back please."

I just smiled and shook my head. Also I avoided looking through the front shield finding his eyes staring at me.

She opened the door for me and ran to her side quickly.

As I sat down I didn't know if I should Edward greet just like that. Maybe this was his part. I didn't dare to look at him.

But it seemed that he actually didn't acknowledge anything.

Alice noticed my confused face expression and said,

"Don't wonder about Edward. I had to drag him out of his bed and got cursed along the way. These will last for a lifetime. Normally he doesn't gets up this early."

I had to chuckle.

"I bet normally no one does Alice."

"We do, as you see and this is because today will be a big day."

"But you've been to Seattle several times, haven't you? And it's also not the first time you will take part on this party."

"You're right Bella but this is the first time I share it with a true friend and not with these superficial and vain girls from school. They are getting on my nerves. Especially Lauren tries to befriend me. Isn't that ridiculous? I know exactly why she wants to be my friend."

I didn't know what to say to this.

"What do you expect from a girl like Lauren? She's just…"

I couldn't continue because I was watched by a pair of deep, green eyes in the rear mirror.

"I know what you wanna say. She's simply a bitch. And Edward, I really can't believe that you hang out with her."

Edward rolled his eyes.

"Alice that's none of your fucking business. Do you have to be so chatty in the morning?"

She started to pout and I had to refrain from laughing because Alice looked so cute. Then she stared out of the window for a few seconds until she couldn't hold it anymore,

"Of course it's my business. Because she's not good for you or anyone in this car. And I just want to have fun today. Don't ruin it already."

Edward sighed and turned the music a little bit louder. It seemed that it wasn't a radio station but his own music. He put on Kings of Leon and it made me sleepy again.

"Alice, can I rest my eyes a little bit before we are there? You know Angela stayed until 11 p.m. at my house yesterday. So I couldn't get that much sleep."

"It's okay Bella. I'll wake you up when we are there. I'll read some magazines."

"Thanks," I replied and drifted away.

The sudden stop of the car brought me back to reality and I just hoped I hadn't slept with my mouth wide open.

Confused I looked around and saw Alice going into a gas station while Edward was still in the car. He fiddled with his radio and all of a sudden looked at me.

He took my breath away and I felt like a caged animal. Why didn't Alice wake me up?

"She's going to the bathroom. You also have to go?" He asked.

"No, thanks." I said and tried to escape his searching orbs.

He looked downwards and his hand went through his unruly hair while it stopped at his stubbly jaw line. His mind started to wander again and I tried to imagine where to.

I looked at him closer and recognized that he wore a plaid shirt and black jeans. Today he didn't chose bad boy it seemed.

"You like this kind of music?"

I was surprised that he wanted to start a conversation. Or maybe he just wanted to escape an embarrassing silence.

"Yes I do. This is one of my favorite albums," I replied and didn't ask another question.

"You know I often wondered what you are listening to the whole damn day."

He didn't look at me directly when saying so. I didn't know if I should say something or stay silent. Then suddenly he turned his head to me and for a second I found myself mesmerized by his face.

"I… I listen to all kinds of music. Mostly rock I guess. It depends on my mood."

He nodded and turned around. He was acting strange again but then I saw Alice coming back. She had bought a pack of Twizzlers and was sharing it with us.

After that I couldn't find any sleep anymore. Alice was doing senseless tests from her magazines and tried to find out which boy I was most into. It was a close call between the surfer guy and Mr. Mysterious.

Oh the irony. Mr. Mysterious sat in this car and was driving it. His words still lingering inside my head. He often did wonder what kind of music I was listening to? This was weird to say the least. Why would he care what music I had on my Ipod? And why had he been honest?

I couldn't make sense of it and finally stopped. I just wanted to enjoy Alice and the sunny day.

After two hours and 45 minutes we arrived at the city border of Seattle. Alice pointed to all kinds of spots and told me where to find the best shop for all kinds of things.

Edward didn't say much the whole time.

When he found a parking spot we could get out of the car already. I stretched and Alice was trying to figure out the ticket machine. Edward finally managed to buy one and put it inside his car behind his windshield.

"Edward will join us for a little while if you don't mind?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I'm fine with it."

So we went to the first Starbuck we saw and Alice bought me a hot chocolate with marshmallows. She and Edward got themselves black coffee without milk.

"You can really drink that stuff?" I asked her.

"It's the best thing to get energy and after a while it doesn't taste that bad anymore."

We walked in the front with Edward following right behind us.

Alice had been here very often and showed me this little boutique.

"This is the shop I was talking of. I already called them to reserve your dress. I know it's strange but I am totally sure that it's right for you."

I smiled at her.

"I trust you Alice. So let the show begin."

She clapped her hands and opened the door.

Edward sat down on of the two chairs and watched us. His eyes were hunting me and I couldn't let myself go. I just couldn't be myself totally when he was still around.

Alice talked to the owner to get the garment. She did and went into the back of the shop.

I just stood around and looked at all the different kinds of dresses.

After a few minutes the woman returned and handed the dress to Alice.

"Come with me Bella. You have to try it on please."

"Ok Alice, where to go?"

She showed me the way and I found myself in a comfortable changing room.

"Just try it, okay? I know it looks like nothing special but you can add a belt or bolero," she said quickly.

I looked at it and liked the colour instantly. It was a rich blue and just a simple dress. It had a high cut neckline and was perfection.

I put it on in no time and was stunned by myself.

"Wow Bella. I knew it! It looks simply beautiful on you! Wait, let's show it to Edward."

Before I could react she grabbed my hand and pulled me out from my save cocoon.

Edward was reading a magazine when he looked up.

"What do you think Edward? Doesn't she look pretty?" Alice said beaming with joy.

His eyes scanned me from head to toe and lingered in my face a little bit too long for my liking.

"I guess you could say so," was his response.

"What did you just say? This dress is perfection and made just for Bella. You could be much nicer, you know this."

"What do you want me to say?" Edward said irritated. "Bella looks absolutely stunning and sexy? There you go and now leave me the fuck alone with that girly shit."

Alice was taken aback for a short moment after she replied,

"Don't be so emo Edward. And thank you, that was exactly what we wanted to hear from a guy. Even if it's just you. Common Bella, we will find the right accessories for you in here."

I was confused. Again. Was he being sarcastically or did he mean what he just said? The dress looked pretty awesome and after Alice would have done my makeup, there would be no doubt that I would look good because she was _good_ at doing this.

"I'm sorry Bella. Edward can be such a jerk sometimes. But he liked the dress on you."

"I don't know Alice. I mean, it looks good but I don't think that he cares how it fits me."

Alice's face appeared over my shoulder into the mirror. Her eyes got this determined look.

"He does care. Didn't you see how his eyes wandered over you? He was just to _cool_ to actually admit that he liked what he saw. I know him, trust me. Ah, what do you think of this necklace?"

And so it went on. I bought the dress and some other stuff and Alice was doing a happy dance. Edward still kept quiet and wrote a lot of text messages.

After two hours we noticed that we were quite hungry and found a little restaurant in the nearness of the Space Needle.

"I love Italian food," Alice said and studied the menu.

Edward was also engrossed and I had already chosen.

With my new dress and a little bit courage I tried to start a conversation myself,

"So Edward, what did you want to do in Seattle?"

He looked at me as if I had grown a second head then he cleared his throat.

"Actually I wanted to meet with an old friend but it seems that I will be stuck with you two."

"Will Emmet be at the party tonight, then?" Alice asked him.

"I guess so. He will bring his new girlfriend along. Now let's order."

Alice called for a waiter and we all took easy stuff like spaghetti and typical Italian food.

"I'm starving. Bella I wish they had a monster burger in here. I would eat just anything."

Edward leaned back and looked around. Maybe he was looking for women?

"Alice stop it already. You're getting on my nerves with your whining."

She gave him a stink eye and started to talk to me about the party.

"Oh Alice, I wanted to ask you if I could have a sleepover today?"

"Of course Bella. I wanted to ask you also. We will have much more fun. And Edward, it's not my fault that you can't be somewhere else. Maybe we should split and meet at the car afterwards?" She suggested.

"I'm fine Alice. I guess I'm also just hungry."

Sometimes it was like a tennis match between these two. They were like a cat and a dog. Having a constant battle but actually caring for each other deeply.

The waiter brought our food and we didn't waste any time eating it. It felt like heaven to have something in my stomach already.

As I wanted to get my napkin, Edward's hand was moving at the same time and our fingers were touching. We looked at each other and I pulled my hand away very quickly.

It was strange this first touch. Because it wasn't intended it felt so overwhelming. This small touch brought back the tingling feeling.

Edward looked at me and wanted to say something when Alice came first,

"I already thought about the next shops we will go to. Maybe we can also visit your favorite book shop," she said looking at Edward.

He liked to read?

Now he seemed to be kinda uncomfortable. Maybe Alice said something which didn't fit his school appearance. I only could wonder.

"I would really like to go Alice, if you don't mind Edward?"

"It's okay. Haven't been there for a while. It also has a joined music division. So it's a perfect place to go," he said quietly.

Alice looked at him with furrowed brows but was more concentrated on her fresh bread than to care anymore longer.

He hadn't look at me when he had said so. He was like a total stranger. Sometimes there was still the Edward I knew from school but mostly he was quiet and paid attention to what one said.

Maybe Angela had been right. But he couldn't be forgiven for his action and words so easily. Maybe he had figured that I hadn't told Alice about _our_ past so far.

But for whatever reason he behaved this way I was happy that he wasn't mean to me and acted like I wasn't there.

Sometimes I caught myself watching him and his features. I kind of studied him and how he moved or said some things.

After we weren't hungry anymore we were on our way to a big shopping centre. Edward went to a hardware store while Alice and I found many pretty things to wear. I used my new credit card and felt lightness while shopping with my new friend and her brooding brother.

I just followed her suit and bought also some stuff for my dad because I knew that he was in a need of new clothes but really detested going shopping.

Next we were almost done and went to the book/music shop Alice and Edward had been talking about. My feet hurt and I was glad that we had arrived at the last shop for today.

I loved it as soon as I stepped into it. All these books and music. It felt like heaven.

Alice sat down on one of the couches and got some rest while Edward and I started to roam the shop.

Trying not to get lost in the mere variety of my two most beloved things I stopped in front of a corner with vampire literature.

I scanned the books and did some test reading until I found one which I really liked. It contained a lot of sex as far as I could read.

All of a sudden Edward stood next to me.

"What's that book?" He asked and tried to get the title.

I noticed that I hadn't even looked at it correctly.

"I don't know. It's..." I turned the book around. "Lust and sensibility. A vampire novel." I said embarrassed.

"And what is it about?" Edward asked leaning against the book shelve.

Now I felt even more self-conscious.

"It's about a human girl and a male vampire. They start off with romance until they fall in love I guess."

He furrowed his brow.

"You mean they fuck and then he gets a pussy?"

I looked at him stunned at his words but then I tried to get myself together.

"If that's your opinion of love and romance so be it. It isn't mine and I'm going to enjoy this book."

"The kitten wants to play?" He said self-assured.

"What did you say?" I asked him perplexed.

He did one step closer to me and leaned slightly forward.

"You're not a tigress. You will never be. But you can be a little kitten trying to be powerful and fearsome. That's just what you are. A girl who buys fantasy novels and has dreams of the one big and true love."

I looked at him angrily.

"Who do you think you are to tell me who I am or what I can't be? You are just…"

He leaned even closer.

"What am I?" He whispered.

Before I could reply Alice came around the corner.

"There you are! Did you find something?"

"I did," I said and still looked into his eyes.

There was no smirk but anticipation written on his face. He really wanted to know what I would have said.

To be honest I didn't know it either.

Next I paid with having Edward directly behind me. I felt his breathing on my skin and shivered.

Alice talked the whole way back to the car and I was happy to be sitting again. It didn't take long before her and I got sleepy again. Soothed by the sounds of Leon.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I would really recommend listening to the two songs I have mentioned in th****is chapter because they are perfect for the situations. Also I had to do **_**research**_** and look at many different pictures of the actor who plays that vampire dude ^^. And I know that Edward is kinda hard to get but we will figure everything out with the time being (so I hope…).**

**Please**** enjoy and thanks for reading!**

The next time I opened my eyes we were in front of a big house in the middle of the woods. I had never been here before and thought it was a beautiful place to live.

Alice slept safe and soundly while Edward stopped the engine and looked at us.

"Wake up sleepy heads, we're home," he said and his gaze found mine again.

I didn't know why I had to look at him that often but there was something about him. Though I had enough problems of my own I wanted to know what he was all about.

"Already there?" Alice asked sleepily and opened her door. I followed her and we joined Edward taking out the stuff from his trunk.

"Your house looks beautiful Alice," I complimented her.

"Oh you haven't seen anything yet Bella. Mom did the decoration all by herself. You're gonna love it!"

As we had all our bags we went to the front door and just as Edward was about to open it a woman stood in front of us. There was no doubt that this was their mother.

Alice shared her lively green eyes and Edward her reddish hair colour. I liked her instantly because she looked so simply motherly.

"Well there you are! Did you buy whole Seattle?" She asked laughing and stepped aside to let us in.

"Hi mom. No we just bought the necessary. By the way this is Bella," Alice said waiving her hand in my direction.

Her mom turned to me and I reached out my hand. Instead of shaking she just engulfed me in a big hug.

"The infamous Bella. I'm happy to finally meet you; Alice has told me so much about you. Please feel welcomed."

"It's nice to meet you too Mrs. Cullen," was all I could reply because I was still a little bit stunned.

When we were finally inside I was surprised by the interior. Everything was so open and framed with glass. One felt like a part of the woods. Also the sun shone directly into the big foyer, so it was lively and warm.

"I'll leave you alone for a short time girls. I have to talk to the party company." Alice's mom winked and walked towards the garden.

There was this huge door which she opened and you could see a lot of flowers and green. The kitchen was to the left and the staircase a few steps away.

A few seconds later Edward disappeared to the kitchen while Alice and I went to her room.

One couldn't miss that it was hers. The walls were painted in a bright yellow and she had all kinds of pictures and posters on them. Also there was a big closet and a really comfy looking bed. In addition to that she had some stuffed animals on her window board. Mostly monkeys and one big dog.

"You're room looks cute, I like this painting over there," I said pointing right next to her mirror.

"My mom painted this when I was about four. She had placed me in front of the TV so that I wouldn't move that much."

"She really got talent as I could see so far with the house."

"Thank you and I'll give you a tour right away but first we should see what we managed to grab. Let's start."

She and I unpacked everything and lay it on her bed. There were all forms and colours. Shoes, dresses, skirts, shirts and underwear. It felt like we had shopped for a lifetime.

Alice had made sure to buy at least one outfit for almost every possible event. I didn't know if I would ever go on a cruise but who knew anyways?

Also I tried on several high heels. I still had a little bit to practice walking but they had already grown on me. I liked their form and these sexual vibes coming off them. I felt that I had a little bit more confidence while wearing them.

I inspected one pair of shoes while Alice stood with arms akimbo looking at everything critically.

"I think we did a good job," she said clearly satisfied with the result.

"I have to say you're right. I never had bought so much in my entire life but it's cool."

"Welcome to my club Bella," Alice said winking. "My brain is already sorting everything out. You will look fantastic tonight."

"You too Alice. We will make quite a pair."

"Yes we will and now let me show you around and then raid the fridge because I feel hungry again."

"There you go," I said and walked right behind her.

Hers and Edward's room were on the first floor and everyone had their own bathroom but it was quite funny because Alice's bath was directly next to Edward's room and vice versa. She said that hers was had a tub and she was the first to take a claim on it. Her mother slept in the second floor. There was also her office and a big balcony overviewing the big garden.

As we went downstairs Alice said,

"I really would like to show you Edward's room but I think he would throw us out. It's his hideaway and secret place. I can't even remember when it was the last time I had been in there. Sometimes he's just very _emotional_."

It was strange to me that Alice chose these words to describe his room. Maybe he did often did need a place to get away from it all.

When we were in the living room she showed me the big book shelf next to the fireplace. It had all kinds of literature in it and I almost couldn't turn my eyes away.

"Wow so many books Alice. Did your family collect them all?" I asked while looking at an old binding of _Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_.

Alice shook her head and her eyes got a little bit distant.

"Most were bought by my dad. He loved books and especially collecting them."

Now I noticed that this was the first time she mentioned her dad. I had never asked her about it because I just assumed that he did live with them.

I wanted to ask her about him but didn't know if that would be such a good idea.

"It's okay Bella. He's not with us anymore. I mean he is not dead or anything. Just did leave us. That's all," she said bitterly and stared at her shoes.

"I'm sorry Alice; I didn't want to bring up bad memories."

"Nah Bella it's oaky. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Now let's see if Edward left something for us to eat."

She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes but I let it drop because she clearly didn't want to talk about it.

The kitchen was just as marvelous as the rest of the house. There was a lot of mahogany and white going on. It seemed that Esme, as I had asked Alice for her mother's name, liked to cook.

Edward was making himself a sandwich and didn't acknowledge our presence.

"Bella just sit down. I'll make us something easy."

So I sat down at the bar when I recognized that Edward did take a place next to me. Immediately my body got stiff.

He still held this power over me without even doing something special.

Taking big bites of his sandwich he watched Alice roaming the fridge.

After five minutes she came over and put a plate in front of me.

"Homemade peanut and jelly sandwiches. Hope you like them."

"Thank you. They look good," I said happily and started to eat.

Alice wanted to do the same when her mobile phone rang. She looked at the caller's id and her eyes beamed with joy.

"I'm sorry Bella, it's Jasper," she said and moved to the living room.

Now it was just me and Edward again.

It felt like the air around me changed and there was this energy surrounding him.

"You've lost your appetite?" Edward asked and pointed to my sandwich.

"No I didn't. Just thought about something."

"Don't think so much otherwise I will eat it," he said chuckling.

"I'm fine thanks," was my clipped response.

He shrugged his shoulders and continued eating.

My stomach rumbled and I knew it was time to finish peanut and jelly.

Because I really didn't like awkward silence I carried on with our little talk,

"Who was this Emmet guy you wanted to meet in Seattle?"

Edward swallowed the last piece of his food and answered,

"Emmet's our cousin. My aunt had moved to Seattle just after his birth."

"And he's bringing someone with him?"

"His girlfriend Rosalie. I've never seen her before. You're also bringing someone with you?"

I looked at my plate while shaking my head no.

"You?"

"Nope. Basically this evening is family business. So you can be honored that Alice invited you."

My eyes met his face and I noticed his stubbly chin. Actually it was almost a beard.

"That's nice of her." I searched for words. "You're… You're gonna shave for tonight?"

"You think I should?" He asked seriously.

I felt embarrassed because why on earth we talked if he should shave or shouldn't? But what else was there to say when there was this big elephant in the room.

"I don't know. It's okay I guess," I said trying to imagine him without the additional hair.

"You like it?" Edward asked and took a big gulp of water while still watching and waiting for my reaction.

My eyes looked for Alice but she was still busy talking with Jasper.

What should I say? I never had really thought about him and his looks. I just knew him this way and didn't care. Just knew what he was capable of doing to me.

"To be honest Edward? I don't know. Never had the time to agonize about this."

He turned his body and all of a sudden reached out to me.

"May I?"

What was he going to do? But on the other hand he had the decency to ask first and I was quite curious.

"Yes?"

His hand took mine and he led it up. A couple of seconds later I cupped his cheek.

"How do you think it feels?"

I was amused and also drawn to him. He closed his eyes and seemed to enjoy the skin to skin contact.

"It's kind of soft and hard at the same time. I like its roughness."

His eyes opened again and he gave me a smile. It seemed so sincere and untypical for him.

Now I was even more confused and noticed that my pulse had gone up when I had touched him. Immediately I pulled my hand away.

Edward's smile faded and he looked down. Just in this moment Alice returned.

"I'm sorry Bella but you know what can I do? And now I want my sandwich."

She walked over and stuffed almost the whole thing in her mouth.

"Alice when will you learn to eat like any normal person?" Edward asked amused.

"Just when you will act like any normal person," she countered.

"Hear, hear," he said suddenly turning moody again. "I'm off now. See you later." And so he went to the front door and headed out.

I looked after him and mulled over his reaction.

"Don't start to figure him out Bella. I gave up a while ago," Alice said with a concerning look.

"You stopped? Why?" Now my curiosity was piqued.

"You know some things happened in the past but he should finally get over it. Let go and move on. Instead all his feelings are still boiling up inside and then he leashes out or hides away. I don't know if it's mine story to tell but it's not always white and black. He's a shade of grey definitely."

"I can tell so," I said and still replayed the last minutes.

"Did you pack everything Bella? Toothbrush and stuff?"

"Yeah I did though you surprised me this morning. Oh by the way I should call my dad."

"Do this. I'm going to my room and you can come later?"

"Ok."

I took my mobile phone and called but no one answered. But it was very highly possible that they were fishing right now and had no connection. I would try it later again.

Before I could join Alice, Esme came back and looked at me.

"It's really nice that you're here today Bella. Alice did often talk about you."

"Thanks to you Mrs. Cullen. I really appreciate the invitation because Edward also told me that this is normally just for family."

"Family and friends I might add. And please call me Esme my dear. Do you also hang with Edward?" She asked and went to the kitchen placing the plates into the dishwasher.

"Not really. I just get to know him I guess."

"He's a nice guy though he can be hard to take sometimes, am I right?" She looked at me concerned.

"If you hint at the incident at school. Yes sometimes he can be but I think only time will tell and maybe we are going to be friends also." I said but felt bad about telling her with knowing that a friendship was not in the realms of reality.

She sighed relived.

"I'm pretty sure he will like you. And also I'm sure that we will have a blast tonight."

I just remembered the charity again.

"Regarding the party Esme. Can I also donate something?"

"Of course Bella. That would be nice. The money will go to a children hospice in Chicago and they could use every dollar. But also you can just mingle and have fun. Feel free to do as you want."

Esme smiled and I talked some more about the charity and the schedule for tonight.

After that I walked upstairs and joined Alice.

It was around four when she and I decided to take a shower and wash our hair. Alice wanted to make my hair curly and apply the makeup already. We still had a lot of time because the party would start at around half past eight.

I really liked being pampered by Alice. I just had to sit still and she would take care of everything. She was highly concentrated and I felt like a piece of art she was working on.

We listened to music and sang along to old Spice Girls songs. It was really girly.

During the curling session my dad called me back and asked how everything was going. I told him and listened to his stories about who caught which fish. After I hung up I tried to read a magazine but it was quite difficult because I couldn't look down the whole time. Therefore I had to hold it on arm's length.

"Will Jasper also be there?"

"Yes he will. He will wear a suit and will look damn fine."

"He will, I'm pretty sure," I said chuckling. "Are all men wearing suits?"

"Yes. It's pretty formal but everyone looks so fabulous. Just wait until you see Edward. Actually he hates these things but he pulls himself together for our mom because it's her evening."

My mind started to imagine Edward in a suit and I still tried to figure out how he would pull off the beard with the formal when someone knocked.

"Come in!" Alice yelled and her mom stuck her head in at the door.

"The party company will arrive in about an hour. Would you be so nice and give me some help later on?"

"Of course mom, we'll be there," Alice answered and Esme smiled.

"Thank you. And you're doing a good job, you look great Bella."

I blushed a little bit and wanted to return something when she was out of sight already.

After that I wasn't allowed to speak anymore because Alice started to put on the makeup and I had the bitter taste of hair spray on my tongue.

"Annnndd finished. When were done helping my mom I will make myself presentable and then we can dress. You're not allowed to look into the mirror yet."

I still had to cough from the spray because it lingered like a heavy cloud in the room.

"I won't and tell me if I can help you in any way."

"That's not necessary Bella. I know how to make myself up since I'm twelve. Now let's go downstairs."

While we went to the living room Edward had returned and talked to his mom. It seemed that she asked for his opinion about colours of the table cloth. Edward looked a little bit helpless.

Alice noticed his plight and came to his rescue. I just stood there and watched them. Edward had made a run and didn't look at me when he passed me.

Did I expect him to notice me? It felt like a truce between us. On the one hand he was touchy and nice and on the other he simply ignored me.

I didn't have time to think it all over again when Alice called me.

The party company had arrived fifteen minutes later and carried everything inside the house and in the garden.

There would be a big buffet, lights, music and so on. Esme was constantly on the move and Alice and I tried to be useful as much as we could. Edward also joined but seemed to be busier flirting with some of the stuff than actually doing something.

Right now I was checking a list Esme had gave me when I saw this blonde girl laughing about something Edward had said. I didn't know why but I couldn't avert my eyes and watched them. Unintentionally I moved a little bit closer to hear what they were talking about.

"Can you give me your number Edward? Maybe we can meet later on?" She asked in a high-pitched tone.

"Give me yours. I'll give you a call. I promise Amber."

And then he gave her that lopsided grin. I practically saw her melting before his eyes. She was wax in his fingers. But all I recognized was his movements and choice of words. I didn't care that he looked good and that I would might fall for him if I wouldn't know him.

Right now there was no real space in my head for him and any form of desire. He still was this jerk from school. Though I remembered Alice words of grey.

Slowly the company build everything up and it started to look like a real party location.

I let myself get carried away by Alice's joyful mood and had a lot of good laughs.

Later she dragged me to her room again and started to make herself even prettier. She went with the theme of green and got everything fixed from eyeshade to the colour of her toe nails. I had to give her that, she was really quick.

After that we helped each other with the dresses. Hers was a dark shade of green and touched the ground. It looked so elegant. She could go to the Oscar's right away. Her neckline was covered and also the top of her arms but not her shoulders. Her back was covered but also wasn't. It was a little bit hard to find the right words.

As I tried on my dress I still felt comfortable in it. It was a perfect fit for me. Alice gave me the right pair of shoes, black peep toes, and my outfit was complete.

"Bella, now it's time to reveal the new you. You can look now."

I turned around and what I saw took almost my breath away. There I stood but I almost couldn't recognize myself because I looked so different. My hair was falling in soft waves on my shoulders and my makeup was brilliant. She didn't put on too much but it was quite enough to enhance my features.

Also I got blue eye shadow and black finger and toe nails. Everything matched perfectly.

"Alice you did such a great job. We have to take photos because I'm pretty sure I won't look that good again in a long time." I said pulling my hand through my hair carefully. It was smooth and smelled good.

"You're welcome. Just go with it and hit the party. They will love you."

"But you do look awesome also. Jasper will be head over heels for you."

She blushed and added,

"I'm pretty sure there will be some guys hitting on you tonight."

I felt strange because this was so new to me. To maybe get attention and actually trying to flirt. I was pretty sure I would suck at it.

As we were done Esme came to look after us and squeaked when she saw us. She took some pictures with her phone and got herself dressed.

We still had some time to waste, so we started to watch some movies and helped Esme if she needed us.

By eight fifteen some of the guests started to arrive. Esme greeted them all on the front door and everyone got a cocktail from one of the three waitresses.

There were some people I also knew but many of them came from all over the States and of course from Chicago. Alice tried to tell me names but I couldn't memorize them all. Edward was also with us and threw in some commentaries if needed. Also they supported their mom while they chit-chatted with the many guests.

An hour passed and some people were on the little dance floor in the garden when I was at the bar and ordered a non-alcoholic cocktail. Alice was with Jasper and Esme did talk with some old friend. Also I hadn't seen Edward in a while. Maybe he met his cousin. Of course I also had talked with some of the people and there were some interesting topics.

In half an hour Esme would make a little speech and try to collect some more money.

I was drinking the sweet swill and sat down on a garden bench when I saw his mop of hair. It seemed that he headed directly to me. There was this tingly feeling again. I hadn't had the time to take his appearance in yet because everything was so busy.

And I must say that Alice had been right. He looked pretty good. Lean and fit, just made for this suit. He didn't try to change his hair and also didn't shave. His eyes were piercing through me as he made his walk to me.

I chewed on my straw while he sat down next to me. Everything seemed so nonchalant.

He didn't look at me but was staring at the moving bodies in front of us.

"You're enjoying yourself?" He asked.

I mimicked him and stared into the cold air.

"Yes, you too?"

"You could say so." Silence. "But right now it's a little bit boring."

"Why is that? What about your cousin?"

"He's here. Already talked to him. Wanted to get something to drink and saw you. But now I think I just should go because you're wasting my time."

Slowly I turned my head to look at him. He still hadn't moved.

"What did you expect Edward? You were the one who came over to me. You could also start a topic or just enjoy the atmosphere. Don't start that shit again."

"Uh the kitten comes out to play?"

His head turned and he looked at me amused.

I rolled my eyes. I really wasn't in the mood to fight or let myself down. So I just went with ignoring him and didn't reply. Maybe he would just go away.

"I knew it. You're such a bitch. A damn and stupid bitch. Nothing more, nothing less. I have enough. I'm going to my room now. Bye… Bitch."

These words really hit home.

My mouth fell open and I watched him in slow motion getting up and making his way to his room.

How could I think myself safe? Now he just had shown his real face again. But this time I didn't feel tears in my eyes but blind anger. Who did he think he was?

Within a record time I drank my coconut kiss and hurried to get to him. On the way I was held up by some people who wanted to talk to me but I got rid of them easily by saying I wasn't feeling very well and needed to go upstairs taking a rest.

As I walked up I had all of these thoughts and words running through my head. I really had to confront him! Finally I made my way to his door.

I put my ear on the cold wood and heard loud music.

I knew this song!

_If I had to  
>I would put myself right beside you<br>So let me ask  
>Would you like that?<br>Would you like that?_

It was _Diary of Jane_ by Breaking Benjamin.

I loved that song because it had so much forceful energy.

_And I don't mind  
>If you say this love is the last time<br>So now I'll ask  
>Do you like that?<br>__Do you like that?  
><em>

_No!_

_Something's getting in the way.  
>Something's just about to break.<br>I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane.  
><em>_So tell me how it should be._

Something inside of me shifted and I remembered his cruel words from before. My fist pounded at his door and I heard him moving.

"What the fuck?" He asked when he saw me standing in front of him.

I didn't waste any second and pointed my finger directly at his chest.

"You fucking idiot haven't the right to tell me what I am or how I should act or what's wrong with me. You bastard made my life a living hell and you're gonna pay for it!" I shouted.

_Try to find out what makes you tick.  
>As I lie down<br>Sore and sick.  
>Do you like that?<br>Do you like that?_

Edward was stunned and didn't know what to say. He went backwards and I couldn't stop my words now that I had started.

"Because of you I shed too many tears and doubted myself. I wished you had never come to Forks and would stay the fuck away from me because I don't know what your problem is with me!"

_There's a fine line between love and hate.  
>And I don't mind.<br>Just let me say that  
>I like that<br>I like that_

He was looking at me intensely and I noticed that the song was on repeat. It gave me the power I needed to go through with my little tirade.

I talked myself into a rage and didn't let him talk once.

"If I could, I would like to beat you up and let you know how it feels to be humiliated. I'm so fucking mad because of you! Answer me now Edward. W h a t i s y o u r f u c k i n g p r o b l e m?"

Instead of answering he walked to the door and locked it.

I looked at him incredulously and felt a little bit of panic rising.

"What are you doing? Why are you locking the door?"

_Something's getting in the way.  
>Something's just about to break.<br>I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane.  
>As I burn another page,<br>As I look the other way.  
>I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane.<br>__So tell me how it should be._

"You know Bella how long I've waited for you to explode? To demand answers and yell at me? This little spark causing a big fire. And there you are in my room, screaming at me. It's just strange how things work out sometimes."

He shook his head in disbelieve and I started to quiver.

"What do you mean? I don't understand…"

_Desperate, I will crawl  
>Waiting for so long<br>No love, there is no love.  
>Die for anyone<br>What have I become?_

Edward's eyes met mine and he took a step forward. But I didn't move and stood my ground.

Again his hand reached out to touch my face but I beat him to it. My hand slapped his cheek very hard due to the fact that I had put all my anger in it.

"Don't you dare to freaking touch me!" I screamed at him.

His fingers stroked over the red skin and a smile appeared on his face.

It was getting more absurd with every minute.

"I didn't imagine you to touch me in this way."

"Edward, are you mental or something? I hit you, I screamed at you but you're acting totally strange. What's wrong with you?"

"Bella if I would start to explain right now I don't know if I could ever stop. Just seeing you here. It's so surreal. Is this really happening..?"

"Should I slap you again to remind you what's real and what's not?" I asked frustrated.

He didn't answer and just looked at me.

"Edward. I think you are the freak. You really are. Just look at you. If you don't have to say anything maybe I should just go and continue to pretend. To pretend that everything is fine and that we can have a normal relationship. But that's not the fucking way." I got angrier again because he still didn't move and leaned against the door

"Please stop that shit already. I know that this situation is fucked up between the two of us. And no, I cannot tell you why I act this way around you. I don't understand it myself. I didn't turn the lock to give you answers."

"At least we are on the same page," I said drily. "So why did you locked it?" I asked annoyed.

The look in his eyes changed to a predatory one.

"Because I'm used to get what I want."

I crossed my arms in front of my chest and huffed. This was really getting ridiculous.

"And what do you want Edward?"

All of a sudden he grabbed my arm and turned me around. Everything went so fast.

Within a few seconds I was pushed against the door with Edward holding me tight.

"Put your arms around my neck," he ordered and I complied.

He took my legs and lifted them to his body.

"What the fuck?"

"I want you Bella, just you."

His body was pressed into mine and I didn't dare to move. His whole presence screamed for aggression but he hold still.

"Why Edward? Why are you still doing things against my will?" I asked him, my voice sounding defeated.

I saw his lips moving but couldn't comprehend what he was saying.

"Because I just can't help myself when I'm with you Bella. There is this urgency inside of me. And I want to see if there is still hatred in your eyes."

That was cryptically.

"So basically you are saying that you detest me but want to touch me nonetheless? Why can't you just go on and fuck Lauren?"

I could feel his rapid breathing and smelled his cologne. Also I noticed that his tie hung loosened around his neck and the top buttons of his shirt were open, revealing his skin.

"I don't detest you. I just can't cope with you. Lauren is just… Well Lauren."

"Please Edward spare me your words. Maybe you should go see a doctor if you can't make up your mind. It's exhausting to be pulled into two different directions…"

"I see where you're coming from and what you must be thinking. But it's not like that Bella."

Gently he brushed his fingers over my cheek.

"You look beautiful," he whispered and I got goose bumps. "So damn beautiful. You're torturing me, you really are."

It was crazy. My mind screamed the one thing and my body reacted to him instantly. It was like his words were calling it to act. I stared at him none the wiser but felt that my resistance was crumbling down. Pure adrenaline was running through my veins.

Then I felt his stubbly skin and a soft breath of air on my ear.

"Try to find out what makes you tick. As I lie down sore and sick. Do you like that? Do you like that?" Edward was singing along the lines and every time he sang _Do you like that?_ he pushed into me.

"Oh my God," I yelped and felt all these sensations down below.

"You like that, don't you? Oh Bella, you don't know what you're doing to me."

"What Edward? What am I doing to you?" I had found my voice again but closed my eyes.

"Everything I don't want but need. Please let me touch you, just once," he pleaded.

"You've already touched me and I did too. So what would be different?" I asked breathing heavily.

"Your lips. Just one kiss Bella."

This would be my first kiss.

Should I really get it pressed against a door by the guy who had bullied me over several years and who I couldn't understand? Of course not but I wasn't coherent anymore. His proximity changed my thinking. To feel his warmth and strong body. To hear these words from his mouth. It would be the stupidest thing I could ever do.

"Do it Edward."

He moaned and I shivered because it was kind of arousing.

But before he did anything he changed the music to _Colorblind_ by Coldplay.

Then he slightly moved his head and we looked at each other. There wasn't something evil in his glance but something more. Something deep. There was this other side again which he had showed me before.

"I let go of your legs now," he warned me and slowly let me down.

Due to my shoes we were almost the same height and I took a look at him.

But all I could see were his lips. Cherry red and oh so ready.

Edward was coming a little bit closer and his hands were holding my face. His thumbs stroked over my skin and I parted my lips.

This was really him. Edward was about to kiss me and I was ready. I didn't know why but it felt right.

"Bella…" He whispered and his tongue ran over his lips.

I was full of anticipation and didn't know what to expect.

His face neared and suddenly it was just us. I didn't hear the music or people downstairs anymore. Didn't hear my breathing or remembered his words from before. I just felt.

Gently he moved his lips and it didn't feel wet or uncomfortable but nice. Though his beard did itch my skin a little bit but it was ok.

Slightly I opened my mouth and he nibbled on my lip.

A moan escaped my throat and he sighed while still lingering on my lips. It seemed that he didn't want to stop but neither would I.

I knew that he had to hold himself back. He wanted more. Wanted to be inside me with his tongue and taste everything.

But I wasn't ready for that. Just one chaste kiss.

As the song ended he let go of me but there was sadness in his eyes.

"Thank you Bella. I… Maybe you should leave now."

I nodded.

"Bye Edward."

I turned, unlocked the door and didn't look back. I couldn't stand to see myself mirrored in these haunting eyes.

Walking straight to Alice's room I made my way to her big window.

_What did you do Bella?_ I asked myself.

I just let myself get kissed by Edward and I didn't know why. Still I got this prickling feeling in the depths of my body when I remembered him closing his eyes and leaning into me.

He did look sexy. Yes, he did. And I also got turned on by this whole situation.

But still there was this whirlwind of emotions under the surface.

Looking at the people having fun I felt changed. I wasn't the same Bella as I had been before.

I felt this longing. Longing to have this feeling of want and desire again. It just had been there for a very short amount of time but still I felt like it could become addictive.

My fingers brushed over my lips and I still could feel his taste on them. Tasting like hope and despair at the same time.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I know – almost one friggin' month. ****Due to lack of inspiration, work stuff and laziness it took a while but now I've found my muse again ^^. Just so you know my Edward changed from Tyler to Rob – Photoshoot 2008 in Rome. He's the Edward I envision. While I wrote this I discovered the band **_**Noah & The Whale**_**. Just listen to them – they will give you these fuzzy feelings =).**

**Now please enjoy and review if you're not half as lazy as I am.**

As I watched out of the window I saw Alice and Jasper dancing. Their bodies were so close and they looked at each other as if no one else existed.

I sighed. How often did I wish to be held like this and feel loved and cherished..? Too often.

And now I had locked lips with someone I didn't share feelings with. At least none of love.

It was a tricky situation and I really didn't know where I was heading to.

But now I had to get myself together and join the party again. First of all I wanted to hear Esme's speech and then have fun with Alice or get to know new people. The only thing I didn't want was to see Edward again because I felt too fucked up.

As I went downstairs I recognized a tall, bulky guy with a beautiful, blonde girl on his side. It seemed that he told some jokes and was the loudest to laugh.

The blonde girl sipped at her martini glass and all of a sudden her eyes locked with mine. Immediately she smiled and I saw her perfect and white teeth flashing.

I didn't know why but my feet moved on their own accord and I stood in front of the strange couple.

"…that's what she said," he said and chuckled until he noticed me.

"Well hello girl. You sure look lost. You need help?"

So people seemed to notice already. I had to try a little bit harder and not showing any of my thoughts and doubts.

"I think I'm just a little bit sleepy because it was a very long day so far."

"What's your name?" The girl asked and looked at me curiously.

"I'm Bella and you?"

"I am Rosalie but you can call me Rose and that guy here is my boyfriend Emmet," she beamed at him but rolled her eyes when she saw that he was trying to eat a pretzel in a very _unusual _way.

"So you are Alice's and Edward's cousin then?"

He took my hand and shook it enthusiastically.

"That's right Bella. We will return tomorrow and stay here at my aunt's home. You know Alice or Edward? Are you his girlfriend?"

I had to bite on my tongue to not say anything inappropriate.

"No, I was invited by Alice. We know each other from school and went shopping this morning. Later I helped to decorate."

"Thanks girl," he said and patted my shoulder.

"So you're a senior?" Rose asked.

"Yes I am."

"You're going to university?"

"Probably. Just haven't decided which one is the best for me. You have any advice for me?"

Rose shook her head. "I'm sorry Bella. Emmet and I never studied. We own our own shop in Seattle."

I was kind of surprised because I estimated them to be in their early twenties.

"Rose is very talented with anything mechanic. Especially old cars. We restore old cars for rich people and get a lot of cash."

Rose's elbow hit him hard into his side.

"Emmet is the one who talks to the customers and doing the paperwork but sometimes his tongue is a little bit too loose."

I had to chuckle.

"I guess it's alright. It must be great to do what you love."

"Yeah it is but you have to work hard. This is one of the first weekends we are not at our shop in a very long time. You have to compromise. But that's enough of work and school. Do we wanna look for Alice?"

"I'm in!" Emmet yelled and made his way outside.

"Common Bella," Rose said and gave me a long lasting smile. I really did like these two already.

When we had found Alice, Emmet and Jasper had a little battle on the dance floor and Emmet won doing the Turtle while we were laughing our asses off.

I enjoyed feeling so carefree and avoided thinking about the minutes in Edward's room the best I could.

"You like to dance?" Jasper asked and I looked at Alice helplessly.

She gave me a reassuring smile and continued talking to Rose.

"Ok but be warned because I really don't know how to dance and maybe I will step on your feet."

"It's okay Bella. I'll take care of you," Jasper said and for a second I felt like a princess.

Jasper was really good looking with his blonde, wavy hair and blue eyes. Also he still had this Texan drawl since his family had moved two years ago. I knew only too well why Alice had fallen in love with him. Also he was a real Gentleman and let one feel precious.

Slowly we swayed over the dance floor and I let myself be led by him while I listened to the soft sounds of the music. Two other couples joined and I really started to believe that I was a decent dancer. As I smiled at something Jasper had said my eyes noticed a movement.

There he stood, looking out of Alice's window just like me before.

My heart skipped a beat and I lowered my gaze immediately. He had looked at me so intensely and seemed to watch every move we made.

Now I felt a little bit distressed and didn't concentrate. Of course Jasper noticed.

"Something wrong Bella?"

"No Jasper. Everything's all right. Thank you for this wonderful dance but maybe we should go inside and listen to Esme. I think it's time now."

He looked at his watch and it was time to go for real.

"You're right Bella. It was nice dancing to you too," he said smiling and made a little bow while pretending to pull off an invisible hat.

"Oh Jasper, that is sooo 19th century," Alice said teasingly and took his hand.

"I'm sorry Missus Cullen but maybe we should go inside now and hear what your mother has to say."

Alice giggled and I followed them back into the large living room with Emmet and Rose right behind.

The first thing I've noticed was the red, stunning dress Esme was wearing. It really hugged her body on all the right places. A small crowd had gathered in front of her while she was talking, holding a sheet of paper.

"I'm very happy that you could all be here tonight. You know that it means the world to me! It's not only because we are all doing it for a good cause but also we see each other at least once in a year."

The guests chuckled and nodded their heads.

"I want to thank the people who have helped me today and yes I know that these are not the Oscars."

She paused and smiled while taking something out of her bag.

"And now comes the part you were all waiting for. This year I have to offer something special. As most of you know I'm an interior designer and I have a lot of work to do. But for one of you I'm going to decorate your houses, apartments, garages, you get the idea… For free. But of course first you have to bid. And I promise this money will help the right people."

As soon as she had finished her little speech Emmet stood right to her side, swinging a gavel and calling different amounts.

Rose was also there and helped to get every bid, while Esme showed a portfolio of her work. Of course it was fun and everyone scrambled to get her to design something they owned.

Very high numbers were swirling in my head when I went to the bathroom. While I was staring at a picture of a sea gull I heard loud laughing and the announcement of a winner.

Quickly I washed my hands and got out of the small room.

I couldn't see the winner because the house was packed and everyone was talking. But I sure could see him.

He was standing between all these people and watching his mom.

My eyes were fixated on him but I didn't want to move into his direction. Actually I just wanted to be alone for some more minutes. Also I spotted Alice and Jasper looking happy and beaming with joy.

Sometimes it felt like everything was in slow motion. And when he turned around I just couldn't leave.

His eyes got a hold of me and I felt time slowing down.

I wasn't sure if he wanted to come over but in the very moment Esme had found him and gave him a hug. She seemed very happy.

But of course she also noticed me and waved me over.

"Hey Bella. Thank you again for helping us this day. It really is a fabulous party and the people donated a lot of money. Ah I'm just hearing they are playing this one song. Edward, why don't you ask Bella for a dance?"

I didn't know how to react but Edward didn't appear to be fazed by his mother's request.

"Bella, do you mind joining me?"

He held out his hand and I took it tentatively.

"That's very nice of you Edward. Have fun you two," Esme said before she moved to the kitchen.

Edward pulled me through the room and within no time left we stood face to face on the dancing floor. It really felt awkward and I wished this to be over as soon as possible.

I just couldn't look at him because of what we had shared just an hour ago.

His one hand gripped my hip while his other hand still held mine.

The song was really beautiful but unknown to me. Now it was much more private because almost all people were still gathered in the living room.

The stars were shining at the canopy and the lights in the garden were creating this special atmosphere.

I still avoided meeting his eyes but I also didn't need to because he had put his head onto my shoulder.

Actually it was a quite intimate gesture but because no one paid attention to us and also because it kinda felt good I didn't say anything.

Our bodies were so close to each other and in this moment I pretended that everything was ok and normal. That Edward was the boy I loved and I'm the girl he loved too. Just a normal couple without any trials and tribulations.

_Tonight's the kind of night_

_Where everything could change_

These were the lyrics which were stuck in my head but I knew that something already had changed. Had shifted between the two of us.

As the song was coming to its end he raised his head and looked me straight into the eye.

"Nice music, isn't it, Bella?"

"Yes it is. It truly is Edward."

"I really would like to kiss you again."

"I don't think that's possible and you know it."

"I know but I don't care. Your lips are calling to me."

"Edward. Please stop this. You know it is weird enough. Everything. This situation between you and me. Just don't fuck it up even more as you already have."

His grip got a bit tighter and he drew me a little bit more to him.

"I know that there is a lot of fucked up shit and unspoken words but as I just said, when I'm near you I just can't think straight anymore. And you wouldn't have let me kiss you if you would truly hate me."

"Did you even listen to the words I had been saying to you in your room before I was pressed against a door?"

Actually I didn't want to ruin this moment because under different circumstances it would have been very romantic. But right now I was feeling anger again.

"Of course I heard every word you were yelling at me but…"

"But what Edward? We are still pretending, right? I just think it was a mistake. A fucking mistake to even get near to you. I'm…"

Now I was even more distressed and angry. How could I have been so stupid and just act out of desire instead of listening to my brain?

He was the guy who had tortured me and he still was seemingly cocky enough to think that he just needed to kiss me and everything was forgotten and alright.

I was running away but didn't come far because Alice was already waiting for me.

"Finally Bella! Common I want you to meet some friends of mine from Chicago."

This was a really good distraction and I did everything to get out of Edward's way.

The rest of the evening I caught myself several times looking for him or watching when he was laughing along with someone. Or with a girl. He really had fucked me up.

After two more hours most of the guests had said good bye and we cleaned some of the stuff.

"Thank you all my dear but please let this stuff be. Tomorrow there will be a cleaning company coming over and I think we are all pretty tired, aren't we?" Esme asked and looked at five exhausted pairs of eyes. "We'll meet for breakfast downstairs at 10:30. I'll be cooking myself."

"I'll be there for sure," Emmet said and Rosalie chuckled.

"Thank you too Esme and yeah can't wait for your pancakes also," Rose said and stifled a yawn.

Jasper had already left twenty minutes ago and I joined Alice into her room.

She bounced down on her bed and seemed very tired.

"That was a fun day Bella. Really it was. Did you enjoy it?"

I stood in front of my bag and was unpacking my clothes for the night.

"It was full of fun. Fun and surprises… Thanks again for letting me staying over."

"No problem but now we have to get off the make-up. Do you want to shower first?"

I nodded because in this moment there was nothing more I wanted.

I just wanted to engulf my body into soothing warm water and wash away my heavy thoughts.

"I already laid your towel out. It's the big, fluffy one. Also if you need anything else take whatever you want. I have enough." She smiled and started to comb her hair.

"Thanks Alice," I said and went into the bathroom.

I didn't waste any time and got out my dress and shoes. When I was naked I felt so free and could finally let my thoughts flow.

Over the tube there had also been a shower head installed at the ceiling and I could hide behind a big shower curtain.

The water splashed over my heated skin and I washed myself with one of Alice's coconut shower cream.

Now I was in the state between being totally tired and wide awake. And all I could think of was this green-eyed boy and the feelings he had awoken deep inside of me.

It was rage and something else. Something I couldn't grasp.

A part of me wanted to kick his ass big time and never talk to him again but the other part in me wanted to know how he tasted and would feel buried deep inside of me.

Maybe it was just the total lack of anything steamy in my life and the resulting frustration because of that. I mean it didn't have to be sex but just touching was a good beginning. And this also included another body than mine.

Slowly I stepped out of the shower and took the towel when suddenly someone opened the door.

I hadn't thought about locking it because there were just the three of us on this floor and Edward had his own bathroom.

I yelped in surprise and held the towel tight.

Edward locked at me and opened his mouth but no words were coming out. I noticed that he was wearing only boxershorts and a towel over his right shoulder. He looked good.

I looked at him questioningly.

"I'm sorry Bella. I just wanted to take a bath and…"

"It's okay Edward. I'm getting done and then Alice will be here, so you probably have to wait some time or just take a simple shower. Have a good night," I said in a snarky tone.

He huffed and did one more step into my direction.

"Don't lie to yourself Bella. You know you want more. Now that you have tasted me you can't stop. You want me to fucking touch you, I can see it in your eyes."

I clutched the towel even tighter to my body and felt the blood rushing through my ears.

"You're such a cocky bastard Edward Cullen. You're really thinking that I'm head over heels for you just because of a lousy kiss?"

I could see his nostrils flare. He was getting angrier but I liked that game to see how far I could go. What could be the worst that could happen?

"Don't say something you don't mean and by the way, Alice won't come here because she's already asleep. I just had checked on her." He looked smug.

"Well I don't care what you are thinking. Just leave already. Maybe you haven't notice but I'm tired and I want to get dressed."

With one more step he was in front of me.

"Do I have to tell you the opposite so that you will leave already? You're such a jerk Edward," I said frustrated.

Now he was much taller because I didn't wear these killer high heels anymore and there was this humming electricity in the room. He was almost naked just as I was.

But surprisingly I didn't feel scared or vulnerable but more powerful than ever before.

As far as I knew he was likely to rip off the towel and have his way right here with me but he wouldn't dare to do so as long I didn't give him the go.

It was a standoff and we glared at each other to see who had the longest breath.

After a couple of minutes he spat a _Fuck You_ and went past me, getting naked and into the tube.

I saw him! Just his back side but nonetheless. He really looked fine and trained.

"Never seen a guy naked before?" He asked while he was sitting in the tube and opening the faucet. Also he didn't have the decency to close the shower curtain.

I was totally fazed and had to stop my eyes from wandering over his front side.

"That's none of your business and couldn't you just wait until I've finished? Where should I dress now?"

He rolled his eyes and dragged the curtain from the other corner.

"There you go. And no, I won't spy on you because you wouldn't be the first girl I had seen without any clothes."

"Asshole," I mumbled to myself and my eyes landed on my panty and top.

Quickly I got a hold of them and nervously let the towel down. Now I constantly watched the curtain for any movement and got dressed in record time.

After that I combed my hair and brushed my teeth.

Edward had been quite for the whole time and it got me confused and a little bit worried.

Before I wanted to leave I pushed the curtain aside and looked at his face.

He looked so peaceful and pure. Everything malice seemed to be vanished.

"You're awake Edward?"

Slowly he opened his right eye and blinked at me.

"I think now I am, _bitch_," he said straightfaced.

My blood was boiling and I really, I really wanted to hurt him. I wanted to scratch and slap his fucking face. So my hand reached out to hurt him but he was one second ahead and grabbed my hand.

Before I could react he pulled me into the tube on top of him. Now I was totally soaked and laying on a naked guy who I could rip his balls off.

"You're freaking crazy Edward?" I almost screamed but he laid a finger on my mouth to silence me.

"Do you want to wake up Alice? Just relax and enjoy this bath," he said mischievously.

"Edward Cullen you are the biggest…" I couldn't throw any more profanities at him when his lips crushed on mine.

I was lucky because it was quite a big tube and not too uncomfortable. Also the water was still warm and his body felt good.

Any normal thinking person would tell me that I was crazy for what I was doing. But I just couldn't stop. I put all my anger and pain inside these kisses and he answered just equally.

One of his hands was lost within my hair and the other one pressed my body into his.

It was awkward and arousing at the same time when I felt _something_ pressing against my tight. I remembered myself that he was indeed nude while I was almost the same, just covered by wet fabric.

Edward's teeth nibbled and sucked at my tongue and lower lip and I couldn't react otherwise than give him one loud moan.

"Fuck Bella, you're so sexy and already wet I see," he said and smirked at me.

Both of us needed some seconds of getting new air.

I didn't know how to reply or how to act. Because I had never imagined that my first time touching and really kissing someone would be in a tube on top of the naked guy I actually didn't like.

After we calmed down a little bit I started to kiss him again because he really tasted too good to stop.

Now he was much more tender and gentle and the kisses were still intense but in a different way.

"Bella? Bella? I think we should stop now, otherwise my back will fucking kill me."

I just nodded and slowly tried to get up. With a little help from him I finally made it but didn't look at his body. Not that I wasn't curious but also I was shy and blushed just thinking about what I had done.

I took my towel again and tried to get dry again. Edward had also stepped out and put his towel around his hips.

"I'm sorry for your clothes. Do you have something else to wear?"

"No I haven't," I said avoiding his eyes.

"Bella, please stop this and look at me."

Apprehensively I raised my head and did as he said.

"Common, you can have some of my stuff."

"But I think Alice would notice if she will see me in the morning. What would be the best explanation?"

"Other than we had sex?" He asked quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah something lame like that," I said and followed him into his room.

Quickly he handed me an old shirt and one of his boxershorts.

"So?" I asked him, still waiting for an answer.

"Thank you too Bella."

"Well it was your fault I was getting drenched."

"But you enjoyed it nonetheless," he stated.

I gulped and looked away again.

"Don't," he said and put a finger under my chin. "I know we are fucked up Bella but you shouldn't be ashamed."

He really was an enigma and I still couldn't find the right words for him.

"At the end of this hall there is a laundry room. You can put your clothes into the dryer. It will take about an hour. Try to not get asleep and you'll have no problems."

"Okay, thank you," I said and was getting transfixed by his lips.

"Goodnight Bella," he said and gave me one last kiss. It tasted like more. Like a long lost promise and dark desire.

After that I did as he told me and went downstairs. I watched some stupid stuff on TV while I was thinking about this whole evening and night.

Everything had gone upside down within a few hours. I didn't know what to feel. I just couldn't trust myself anymore. All these pent-up emotions inside me. At one minute I wanted to rip him a new one and in the other I wanted his fingers all over me.

Besides that I couldn't talk to anyone about that. No one would have understood. But I knew that I had to wait for tomorrow. From experience I knew that many things looked clearer when a new day had dawned. Maybe Edward would treat me differently but something deep inside of me told me he wouldn't.

Nothing would change. I really had to get myself together and get away from him because all he would do was hurting me. Maybe I should get a boyfriend and get it over me.

But I knew that it wasn't just the physical attraction. Something drew me to Edward. Something deep but I just couldn't figure out what it was yet.

After an hour I got my clothes and dressed again. Because I didn't know where to put Edward's clothes I took them with me and hid them in my bag.

It didn't take long before my eye lids got heavy and I fell into a wonderful and deep sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: ****"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. ****Face the truth."**

**Katherine Mansfield**

"Bella? Wake up sleepyhead."

Tiredly I opened my eyes and looked into Alice's face.

"Is it already time?" I looked around to find a clock but didn't have any luck.

"I let you sleep the longest I dared. It's 10:15, so you still have time to get ready and eat breakfast with us and I'm sorry I fell asleep but all of a sudden I was so tired. But when I woke up I looked like a raccoon because I didn't get the make-up off."

Right now I pictured Alice like one and had to snicker.

"Thank you for waking me up. Normally I don't sleep so long but yesterday was quite a day, I'll just get done and then I'll join you."

"Ok. I just go downstairs and help mom. See you later."

I blinked while my eyes tried to adjust to the brightness of the room. Alice had opened her window and fresh air was streaming in. It felt like it could be a good day.

In less than ten minutes I got dressed and brushed my teeth. Just before it hit 10:30 I was standing in the kitchen and smelled the delicious pancakes.

Actually I hadn't noticed how hungry I had been. Yesterday had been so exciting that I simply forgot to eat properly.

"Good morning Bella, please take a seat and enjoy the food," Esme said while looking like a picture perfect housewife of the 50'ies. She wore an apron with sweet, little cupcakes on it and her hair was soft and curly.

"Thank you," I replied and sat next to Rose. She and Emmet had already been here, while Alice was putting some stuff into the dishwasher. Edward was nowhere to be seen.

"There you go." Esme put a big, golden pancake on my plate and my mouth was watering.

"You really have to try them Bella, they are so dainty," Rose said smiling and handed me the syrup.

After that Alice and Esme sat down and while we ate, we listened to The Beatles and Emmet was telling some crazy stories from work. I didn't ask where Edward was, but wondered anyways.

But just as I was thinking about him he turned the corner and I had to suppress the impulse to lower my eyes and stare at my half eaten pancake.

He looked as tired as I felt. His hair stuck out more than usual and he had dark circles under his eyes.

"Mornin'," he grumbled and sat down opposite to me.

"Good morning sweetheart, did you sleep well?" Esme asked and poured some coffee into his mug.

"Was okay," Edward mumbled and I noticed how his eyes found mine until he looked away seconds later.

"The party had really been a success mom and so much fun. I've seen Cailie and Finn again and they invited me back home."

"That's nice of them Alice. But I thought Forks was home now?"

"Yeah well…"

I heard a clunk and saw Edward staring at her in disbelieve.

"Really mom? You know why we moved here, it's not because we love the woods and deadly bored people. Chicago had been our home all along!" Edward said and stuffed some food into his mouth.

Esme looked a little bit sad but tried to smile nonetheless.

"I'm sorry kids, I just wanted to do what was best for you."

"It's okay mom. Edward's just in a bad mood again," Alice said in a teasing voice.

Edward just shook his head and stared at his plate.

A few seconds of awkward silence followed until Rose started a new conversation.

Next I got back to Alice's room and packed my bag.

"We should do that more often Bella. But next time I'll stay awake a little longer."

"I'm looking forward to it because we really have to watch this one movie I just forgot the title of."

"Yeah we can do that," she said grinning. "By the way, Edward was so nice to offer his qualities as driver to bring you home. I would have done it myself but I promised my mom to help her with one of her projects and therefore we have to go to Port Angeles."

"Nah it's fine and very nice of Edward."

"I told you he isn't that bad," Alice said playfully and patted my shoulder.

We walked downstairs Esme, Rose and Emmet awaiting us.

"Edward's already in his car and thank you for coming Bella, it was very nice having you here. I hope you'll visit more often," Esme said and engulfed me again in a quick but sweet hug.

"See you Bella, maybe you can visit our shop sometime," Rose said shaking my hand. Just as Emmet did.

Alice also gave me a hug and told me that she was looking forward to lunch tomorrow in school.

After that I walked outside and got into Edward's car. He had already turned on some music and I listened to the relaxing _Drive_ by Incubus.

"Thanks Edward for bringing me home."

"It's no big deal," he said in a clipped tone and looked straight on the road.

Actually my house wasn't that far away from the Cullen's home but as far as I knew we drove the opposite direction.

"Edward, where are we going? You do know where I live."

"I do, just wanted to take a little detour. You're not a fan of surprises, are you?" He asked and gave me a short side glance.

"Depends on who wants to surprise me," I said partially excited and tense at the same time.

"So that means you don't trust me," he stated and ran his hand through his disarrayed hair.

"Trust is something you have to earn. It's not given easily. I think that's common sense," I said snappy.

He chuckled softly and looked at me again. "Please press song number eight and just listen."

The air was filled with heavy sounds. My eyes almost filled themselves with tears. It felt brokenhearted.

_You in the dark  
>You in the pain<br>You on the run  
>Living a hell<br>Living your ghost  
>Living your end<br>Never seem to get in the place that I belong  
>Don't wanna lose the time, lose the time to come<em>

"The song is called _Letting the cables sleep_ by Bush. I really… Like it," Edward explained and I didn't comment but listened intently.

_Whatever you say, it's alright  
>Whatever you do, it's all good<br>Whatever you say, it's alright_

_Silence is not the way  
>We need to talk about it<br>If heaven is on the way  
>If heaven is on the way<em>

"It's a very sad song Edward. When do you listen to it? I probably couldn't bear it for very long."

"Mostly when I was deep down in shit and just needed time to think. I know, it can drag one down but I think right now it's the perfect song for our situation."

_You in the sea  
>On a decline<br>Breaking the waves  
>Watching the lights go down<br>Letting the cables sleep_

_Whatever you say, it's alright  
>Whatever you do, it's all good<br>Whatever you say, it's alright_

_Silence is not the way  
>We need to talk about it<br>If heaven is on the way  
>We'll wrap the world around it<br>If heaven is on the way  
>If heaven is on the way<em>

"Actually it's quite beautiful," I whispered and a single tear rolled down my cheek.

"It can bring out the worst Bella. But sometimes there is a special beauty over tragedy. I think it's just like you and me."

"What do you mean?" I asked him confused.

_I'm a stranger in this town  
>I'm a stranger in this town<br>I'm a stranger in this town_

_If heaven is on the way  
>If heaven is on the way<em>

_I'm a stranger in this town  
>I'm a stranger in this town<em>

"I'll tell you but right now we're almost there." He said and pointed ahead on the road.

I recognized that he had driven to the reservation in LaPush. Could it be that he..?

"Are we going to the beach?" I asked him surprised.

"You're right. I don't come here very often but sometimes it's just the perfect place to be."

"I know. I actually love this place. It just surprises me that you have chosen this out of all."

"It's not all black and white Bella. Never forget this," he replied and parked the car.

It were almost the same words Alice had used. While he was grey I felt pitch black.

After that we got out of the vehicle and walked slowly over the sandy ground. It was a little bit cold and windy but the sun was shining. Above all I didn't want to look at the cliff. It was just too early to forget what I had tried to do. Actually it pretty much hurt.

Now I was here with him. He constantly overstepped my borders and it seemed there was nothing I could do about it.

Edward picked some stones from the sand and tossed them into the water, where they were swallowed by the sea.

"You're all right Bella? You look kinda pale."

What was there to reply when I couldn't express myself with words?

"I just can't explain Edward. I'm just a little bit overwhelmed that's all."

I stepped beside him and watched him throwing the little rocks.

"Does the beach remind you of something or is it because of me?"

"Both," I replied without any hesitation.

I got an idea and so I unpacked my IPod. I gave one ear bud to Edward and one was put into my ear, then I looked for the right song and pressed play.

"Not everything she's singing applies to my feelings or actions but most of it does."

_Now I will tell you what I've done for you __  
>50 thousand tears I've cried<br>Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you  
>And you still won't hear me<em>

_Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself  
>Maybe I'll wake up for once<em>_  
>Not tormented daily defeated by you<br>Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom  
><em>_I die again_

_I'm going under  
>Drowning in you<br>I'm falling forever  
>I've got to break through<br>I'm going under_

_Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
>So I don't know what's real and what's not<br>Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
>So I can't trust myself anymore<br>I die again_

_I'm so go and scream  
>Scream at me I'm so far away<br>I won't be broken again  
>I've got to breathe I can't keep going under<em>

_I die again  
>I'm going under<br>drowning in you  
>I'm falling forever<br>I've got to break through  
>I'm going under<br>Going under  
>I'm going under<em>

During the whole song Edward hadn't move and it seemed that he was in deep thought. It was kinda freeing and angsty. Here at the beach I made myself bare so that Edward would see everything what was left of me.

After a couple of minutes he finally spoke but still looked at the crushing waves.

"So that's the way you feel about me?" Was the only thing he asked.

"Mostly yes but can you resent me for it?"

He shook his head and looked at me.

"No I can't. It's just…" Frustrated he almost ripped some of his hair out. "Everything's so confused and I know I'm an asshole. I knew it for so long but cannot change my way. I know I'm fucked up and leashed out on you but…"

"Edward, this week I tried to jump off that cliff because I had had enough of my pitiful life. Just a coincidental meeting saved my life." I blurted out.

It was almost too agonizing to look at him. I saw how his face changed and the life from his eyes drained slowly.

"You really wanted to jump?" He asked in disbelieve.

"I didn't come here with the intention to do it but when I was up there it all came down together and I wanted to do it, so yes."

Edward swallowed audible.

"I'm… I am sorry Isabella," was all he was able to say with a pleading look in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, too Edward. I'd wish it never had come this way. I never had thought that I would be telling you this. But you were so many firsts I stopped counting. Whatever happened, happened."

In this moment I didn't feel much anymore.

"Oh and by the way what did you mean about beauty and tragedy?"

His right foot drew pictures into the sand while he was speaking.

"There can be so much beauty in tragedy. Desperation and pain mixed with desire and lust. We are just like that. A big mixture of all these elements. Because you have problems and I have and they are interweaved with each other. We have more in common than you think Bella."

Right now the only thing I could feel was emptiness and coldness.

"Edward, I think it's really enough. Please bring me home, I just want to be alone and not bothered with any of this. You confuse me, everything about you fucks me up. And I don't want you to drag me down any further."

"No Bella, you can't just leave like that!" He said loudly.

"You bet I can! I'm so tired of being tossed around by your mood swings!" I took one step away.

"First you treat me like dirt for almost four fucking years, then you came to my house and cried, then you acted almost normal in Seattle and then you kissed me at the party. I never said that I wanted this all. Y o u chose my actions, not me. But no more. I'm done," I said in an emphatic voice.

Edward still didn't seem to understand.

"I don't know what it's so painful in your life Edward, but I hope that you get yourself together. For your own sake. I already have enough blackness in me, I don't need yours also."

Sadly I watched the sky and the fast moving clouds.

Edward sighed and got down on his knees. He stared at me in disbelieve.

"Now I finally pushed you away also. I'm really a monster, am I?"

I didn't need long time to respond,

"No you aren't but you let yourself controlled by your inner demons. They get the worst of you. In the last hours I got to know a slightly different side of you. But still you are careful not to reveal too much of yourself. I don't know what you see in me but whatever it is, let it go."

Slowly he got up again.

"How can it be that you can see me like that? It's like you look directly into me, into my soul…"

I turned to him and searched his eyes.

"Because it takes someone lost to know another one," I said smiling heavy-hearted.

"Can I hug you?" Edward asked apprehensively.

"Yes you can."

He pulled me to his body and circled me with his arms. His head was on my shoulder again and I pressed myself against his chest.

I heard him whispering into my ear,

"It's like losing something I never had. I love you Bella. I always had and I'm sorry that I fucked up to show you that."

Totally shocked I looked at him.

"You said what?"

"I said that I'm a fucking loser and I'm…"

All of a sudden he sniffed and was rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

I knew that he tried really hard not to cry. It felt like we just broke up and he freaking told me, that he loved me!

"Oh my God, I'm such a girl. But I just can't take it any longer Bella. I just can't live with myself anymore. What I have done to you and others. I'm a fucking mistake."

It was painful to watch because my heart was also aching. It was screaming for him.

I walked over to him and took his hands away. His eyes were red and he tried to avoid my look.

"Edward, please… Maybe we should just start this slowly. You know? I mean normally we never really talked that much before or had anything to do with each other, so there will be no big difference."

"Why are you trying to console me Bella? You should leave me rotten."

"Because nothing gets ever better from self-loathing. I think you have a lot of things to deal with and maybe should get help."

It was strange. Now I was the one giving the same advices I had been told. But he really seemed to be broken and troubled.

"Guess you're right," he said and brushed with his fingers over my skin.

After a few seconds he asked,

"You wanna get back before I totally embarrass myself any further?"

"You're not embarrassing, just overwhelming and yes, let's get back."

We made our way back to the car and as we drove the 40 minutes so many thoughts and questions were running through my head, that I really needed a break before it would explode. Edward was so complex and he said things, I had never ever thought he would be the one to say them.

Who was this guy?

A radio station was starting to play a song and Edward wanted to turn it down immediately but I stopped his hand and listened,

_I'm walking in the shadow of my tempted soul  
>Time is ticking by<br>While I'm chatting with this bottle of wine  
>I know that I'm not perfect<br>I'll admit that I'm a fool  
>I'm always getting lost<br>But always finding my way back to you, the one  
>I need when I'm awake.<em>

_Take me Home_  
><em>I wanna go<em>  
><em>And I'm sorry I can't love you<em>  
><em>I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.<em>

_Did he see it coming?_  
><em>Dying in a bath of shame?<em>  
><em>While all his hopes past him by<em>  
><em>And all his fears had killed him dry?<em>  
><em>I can see what he was thinking<em>  
><em>It's so easy if you try<em>  
><em>Because killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love her<em>  
><em>Is worth the pain<em>  
><em>Then to hear her cry your name.<em>

_Take me Home_  
><em>I wanna go<em>  
><em>And I'm sorry I can't love you<em>  
><em>I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.<em>

_I can't go on, I can't live like this_  
><em>And I can't go on, I can't live like this.<em>  
><em>And I can't go on, I can't live like this...<em>

_Take me Home_  
><em>I wanna go<em>  
><em>And I'm sorry I can't love you<em>  
><em>I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.<em>

It broke my heart all over again. It was like I wanted to rescue him from his shadows, while mine still lingered over me.

But some minutes later I couldn't take it anymore and fell into a restless sleep.

I was awoken when Edward touched my shoulder.

"We're here Bella."

"Oh, really?" I asked and saw that we stood in the driveway of my home. Dad hadn't returned yet.

Edward opened my door and walked me to the porch.

"So that's a goodbye then?"

"It's not all black and white Edward, think about it." Were my only words as I entered the house and didn't look back because I couldn't stand his heartbroken face.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Well I was hit by creativity big time today. Though it had been a real long day… If you like it and you read until the end, then please review also. You can state what you like or not. Because this helps me as an author. It**** is support in the best way, so one can learn and grow. Otherwise you have it my way all along and I don't care what others think :D. Okay, I'm calling it a night!**

**The songs used: CH 9 - Evanescence - Going Under + After Midnight Project - Take Me Home**

**CH 10 - After Midnight Project - Fighting My Way Back  
><strong>

I didn't know how long I had lay on my bed and just stared at the ceiling.

There was this big emptiness in my mind. I felt so exhausted and sad.

I always had thought that Edward despised me, he even had said so and acted this way. But all of a sudden he decided to change and became someone entirely new.

He was emotional and had almost not control whatsoever.

And yes, there were_ these_ words he had mentioned. I tried everything to not mull about them too much. It just couldn't be that he was in love with me. It was too much of a paradox.

He didn't even know me. So how could he think he was in love with me? I was just a perfect stranger.

Slowly I rolled from one side to the other and looked out of the window. Again it rained and I was sure that it was pretty cold outside by now.

Edward already consumed my thoughts too much. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to know his ordeal. I wanted to help him, find a way back home.

But how could I and above that, why should I? Didn't he deserve whatever he was feeling? He never cared for me before, so why should I do for him?

I just needed to rest and wanted to go to bed already and call it a day but it was still too early and dad had only arrived a few minutes ago.

Hearing him rummaging in the kitchen I made my way downstairs and greeted him.

"You sure look tired Bella. Had it been a good weekend?"

I stretched myself and ran through my hair while I was thinking about it.

"Yes it was very much fun and I got to know a lot of new people. Esme, Alice's mother is really nice. Maybe you could visit them with me one day?"

"I'm sure I will. And… Did you get to know any guys?"

I rolled my eyes. Boys, men there were the last thing I wanted to talk about right now.

"No dad. I behaved and just had girl-fun. Did you catch any fish?"

He walked over to the fridge and opened it.

"Look what I have here!" He said proudly.

After a few steps I looked at dead eyes.

"They're still pretty ugly."

Dad shook his head and smiled.

"You'll never gonna like them, am I right?

"Not, if I don't have to," I answered.

"Will you call your mom today?"

"No, I'm just not in the mood. I gonna write her an email."

"Say hello from me, please."

"I'll do. So what are you going to do now?"

"Exciting things like watching TV and see if we finally hit the jackpot."

"Much luck dad. I'm going upstairs, I'm still groggy and want to rest. 's ok?"

"Of course, take care princess."

"Yes my lord," I snickered and went back to my room.

As I sat down on my bed I felt this big emptiness once more.

I wasn't in a mood to do really anything. I didn't want to listen to music, watching TV or reading. Didn't want to go online and check my mails or write one. I just wanted to cover myself and hide from the outside.

So this was the only thing for me to do and I snuggled with my bed sheet while I was counting the minutes passing.

But the only word in my mind was Edward. He had taken over me. Now I started to over analyze everything ever happened between the two of us.

I remembered the day I first saw him. The seconds I had laid my eyes on him I felt something. There was something about him I wanted to find out what it was. He had this special aura surrounding him.

There were so many girls who seemingly wanted to do the same. But he didn't pay attention to a single one.

Some said they thought he was weird and kind of a loner but slowly he built himself a reputation in school.

He got in fights and from time to time he stooped to actually get into contact with a girl. Just as I had witnessed in the library. It was a very unpleasant feeling and I tried not to think about it too hard.

And then it had started. All of a sudden he had picked me to be his perfect victim. I had never understood why.

Sometimes I had caught him staring at me but I always thought these were stares of hatred and not… Attraction?

But on the beach he had been very sincere as far as I could judge. He wouldn't have lied to me, so far I knew already.

And all these songs we had been listening to.

He knew the song in the radio and wanted to turn it off. If he hadn't already showed almost everything of himself.

_Take me Home  
>I wanna go<br>And I'm sorry I can't love you  
>I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.<em>

Who was Edward Cullen? How could I find out who he really was when there was this big wall around him?

Why was I so fucking interested in figuring him out?

I knew there was something I wasn't ready to admit. In all these years we had been enemies I never had been sure if I really hated him. I always thought he was something special and that there must been a reason he had chosen me.

After some more minutes I stopped agonizing and dragged myself to my laptop.

I turned it on and read some emails while I remembered that I had to write my mom.

_From:_

_To: __René_

_Hey mom, it's me – finally, I know…_

_How are you? I hope the best!_

_For me it had been a rough week and a very fun weekend!_

_I had been sick and missed two days of school, also I was shopping with one of my school friends. Her name is Alice Cullen and she is one of a kind :). We went to Seattle and I swear I had never bought so many things in my whole life! I even bought high heels – you can imagine?_

_We were at the benefit party I had told you about. Esme, Alice's mom, is a very kind and nice person. Maybe you will meet her someday. She's working as an interior designer and their house is so big and beautiful!_

_Also I started to look into some Colleges. Maybe you can give me some advices?_

_Right now it's raining – again – I wish I was in Florida and enjoy the sun!_

_Hope to hear from you soon and __Charlie said hello ;)._

_Give Phil a hug._

_Love you_

_Bella_

Clicked and sent. Yes I missed some details like an almost suicide and Edward but I couldn't tell her, there was no use in it.

She would be worried sick and regarding Edward, she would ask me a thousand questions I didn't have the answers to.

Actually my mom never really got to know my dark side because we often just met during the holidays and there I could relax and be away from it all. I think she would be totally surprise if she knew.

Maybe it was a mistake I was keeping everything to myself. But in these moments I felt so weak and didn't want to show this side of me. I didn't want dad to see me in my darkest days. He couldn't help me anyways or so I thought.

I sighed and went to Facebook. Roaming around and looking at things I couldn't care less I got a new friends request. Of course it had to be him, who else? There had been a few minutes I didn't think about him and bam, there he was again.

But this time I didn't click no, but yes.

His Facebook name was unique. He called himself _White demon_. This was a way to describe oneself!

Quickly and interested I looked at his page.

I found the name of his old school and what he was into regarding music, books and music. I was surprise because he liked most of the same stuff I did. He seemed to be a music lover just like me.

Also he apparently could sing. There were some pictures, likely taken in Chicago, in a club with him on a microphone, a guitar and closed eyes. He looked as he belonged into this place. There were comments written about his good voice and how much his friends had enjoyed this particular evening.

That had been one year ago. Probably he had visited during one of the holidays and many of his friends were missing him and his musical talent.

I clicked myself through the pictures and also found some from Alice. She looked so happy and cute next to him. He seemed much more relaxed than he was here.

Also there were several girls standing next to him. Strangely I had this weird feeling in me while I looked at them. It felt kinda wrong.

All of a sudden there was one picture which almost took my breath away. He was standing in a big garden or park and was looking directly into the camera. He was wearing a blue jacket, a white shirt and jeans. His hands had been stuffed inside his pockets and his hair was just as tousled as always. All with a stubbly jaw and closed lips.

But the way he glanced in this picture was how I had experienced him today. He looked kind of lost and accusing. And perfect.

Yes he looked perfect. Perfect as far as I could see. I was touched to see him so raw and personal. I wondered who took the photo. Also there were no comments written. Maybe it was a special picture just he knew the meaning of.

Perhaps he did the same just as me. I had also downloaded some photos online and you could see my different side. Mostly my mom had taken them in Florida or some vacations we had been on. I could see all of my flaws and change but for a stranger they would look perfectly normal.

Normal as someone should be and not a freak like me… Or him for that matter.

When I was done with sneaking I started to watch some trailers and tried to memorize the movies I wanted to watch in the near future.

As I was about to turn my laptop off again, I saw that I had a message from Edward. He hadn't written something but just copied a YouTube link.

Curious as I was I clicked on it and of course it was song. And it immediately touched my soul and I shivered from it intensity.

_Standing on the corner in the city  
>It's feeling like prison<br>Tried to hold us both but you got away  
>I could have been a lover, could have been a fighter<br>But I didn't know how  
>And every time you cried I had nothing to say<em>

Anew a message from Edward. He just couldn't hold back with his feelings and leave me alone. No he just couldn't.

_But I'm coming back  
>Holding you to your words<br>You said All I had to do is try_

I'm fighting my way back to you  
>They can try and stop me but I'll break through<br>I'm fighting my way back to you  
>I'm taking back, what I gave away<p>

Apparently his message was very clear: He wouldn't give up and let me go.

_I'm tracing all the word that I couldn't say  
>On the window<br>All this frost stays as cold as I am  
>I could have been a lover, could have been a fighter<br>But I didn't know how  
>Please wait for me, you better wait for me<em>

I'm fighting my way back to you  
>They can try and stop me but I'll break through<br>I'm fighting my way back to you  
>I'm taking back, what I gave away<p>

Now I imagined him singing this song to me. Only for me on a clear and perfect night. Just the two of us and his words hanging in the air.

_I could have been a lover, could have been a fighter  
>But I didn't know how<em>

But all of a sudden I hit rock bottom. I hadn't even noticed how my eyes filled themselves with tears and my hands were clenched.

I let out a strangled cry and gave up. I cried and cried, salty water never to stop again. Just as he said, tragedy and beauty were on their own terms and I found so much within this single song.

Edward wanted to fight for me. For us…

It was absurd but he played by his own rules and I couldn't see it rationally. Couldn't see why he wanted to take it upon himself to fix us. Was there even something to be fixed?

Because I loved to torture myself, I listened to the song over and over again. I scribbled down the name of the band, After Midnight Project, and planned to listen to the rest of their music.

After my crying session I went back to my bed again and heard the singer's voice still in my head.

But right now I wanted to get lost in something else and I took out the book I had bought yesterday. Of course it also reminded me, again, of these green eyes but I couldn't help myself. Was there a better way to get distracted than by a sexy vampire guy and his adventures?

So I spend my afternoon reading and blushing. Also I imagined many dirty things but I tried not to imagine someone else. But it didn't help that this vampire guy called Desmond had black, messed up hair, a beard and green eyes. It made me want to tear my hair out!

Because I felt drained and turned on at the same time I put the book aside, locked my room and undressed myself.

I wanted to feel the cold fabric on my heated skin. Lazily my fingers were caressing my body and I let out a quite moan when I touched myself between my thighs. I felt languorous and blissed when I started to move my hand faster.

My mind wandered to yesterday and a specific moment when I had been wet and willing. I remembered his naked body pressed under mine and the length of his erection.

My breathing got hitched when I called his kisses to my mind. They had been so sensual and sexy. But also wild and erratic. When his teeth had nibbled on my lips and his sucking on my tongue.

I had never done this before but in this moment there was no time to be afraid or ashamed of having no knowledge. He seemed to be totally content with my kissing skills and didn't complain.

Automatically my lower body moved up and down and I felt something was missing. Edward should be buried deep inside of me. His length should hit spots I never had felt before and I wanted to feel his stubbly jaw scratching over my sensitive skin that was my breasts.

I stroked, rubbed and felt my wetness on my fingers. How would it be to have his tongue inside of me?

My mind was running 100 miles per hour and everything fell into place when I allowed myself to fully think of him. With all the consequences.

I almost screamed out his name when I came. And I came hard. It rocked my body and I shattered into a million pieces.

_Edward,__ oh Edward_. I was chiming and my breathing got slowly normal again.

As I was out of my frenzy again I realized what I had just done. I had used him. I mean he was deep down, just as I was on the verge, and I masturbated while thinking about him and what we had done.

But still I wasn't sure about this boy and his crazy antics. Disregarding our problems it had felt pretty good and I was quite confident that he was doing the same and using my image shamelessly.

As I regained some power I got up and showered quickly. After that I went down again and joined dad watching a quiz show. We had this battle going on who knew more things. It always depended on the show and the topics.

In some I was the master but in others he beat me easily. And so we ordered a pizza and made ourselves comfortable on this lazy Sunday.

When I woke up the next day, I knew that everything was different from one week ago. I also skipped breakfast because I didn't feel like eating and drove to school.

Actually it was nice being here again. I could see few of my friends and do something other than waste hours after hours procrastinating.

At my locker I was greeted by Angela. She told me about Ben and that they had been on a date this weekend. I told her that I wanted to know every detail in lunch break. She nodded and beamed from one ear to the other. Oh the lucky lovebirds. I was more like a misery crow.

Also I was totally motivated and did some contributions in class. Right now I was eager to do something and learn or just see other people and not the four walls of my room.

When English class finished Mr. O'Connell called me over,

"Bella I have a question for you."

"Ok," I simply said.

"As far as I have noticed you like to write, am I right?"

"Yes, I think so," I said unsure.

"Because I thought about starting a creative writing class. The new school year has just begun and there is still time to open another class but I also need willing participants."

"How many do you already have?" I asked.

Mr. O'Connell fumbled with some papers and found a small list.

"Ah there it is! We have one, two, three, four people already. Oh and Edward Cullen just joined. So that's making five."

I didn't know what was so special about Edward joining but on the other hand it definitively sounded interesting.

"Well I guess I would like to take a look. When could it start?"

"I still need some more people but when I have them I let you know. By this Wednesday I should have enough, I think. But thanks Bella," he said and wrote down my name also.

"Ok, then thanks and bye," I said and walked to the next class.

Until lunch there raged a constant battle in my head because of my memories from yesterday, the future and some other things. I just couldn't get myself together.

I bit my lip when I was heavy in thought and was out when all of a sudden I heard someone yelling my name.

Quickly I turned around and saw Alice coming my way.

"Hey Bella, long time no see," she said grinning and gave me a half-hug.

"What's up Alice? Could you help your mom yesterday?"

We walked the way to the cafeteria and she told me what they had done in Port Angeles and that they had met a famous, local artist, from whom Esme had bought two pictures.

"And I swear to God, it looked like a hurricane banned on a canvas. The swirling of the colours. A perfect but coordinated chaos. You really have to see it!"

"I'm looking forward to," I said and noticed the change in her face.

"Before we go inside Bella, there's something I'd like you to ask."

"Ok, just go ahead."

"Did you know if something happened to Edward over the weekend or just yesterday?"

I looked at her questioning.

"Why is that?"

"When we came back from Port Angeles his door was closed. Okay, that's not something unusual but I heard real loud music. It were really heavy and sad tones. When I knocked he didn't respond and I actually dared to try and get in. The door was open and then I saw him lying on his bed and smoking weed. He was in a total different space and didn't acknowledge me. But I saw enough to know that he had been crying, a lot."

"Did you try to speak to him?" I asked her anxiously.

"Yes I did but he just wouldn't talk to me. He shut me out completely and smoked. He was lucky because mom had been visiting one of her customers after our little trip. But I guess he wouldn't have cared anyways."

Again I could tell her the truth but she really wouldn't understand. How should I explain it to her when I wasn't able to do it firstly?

"That sounds pretty strange if you ask me. I didn't notice something during the weekend. He was just as normal as usual. Maybe he has some kind of trouble," I stated and looked at Alice, whose eyes changed into sad ones.

"Yeah I imagined you would say that. How should you know? Maybe I can talk to him later."

"Did he go to school today?"

Alice's head moved and she hinted to one of the cafeteria tables. There he was and his eyes lingered on us. Maybe for the whole time already.

"He has spotted us. Big brother is watching," she said dryly. "Well whatever Bella, do we wanna grab our lunch?"

"There you go," I said and followed her into the row of the other students.

Angela was already sitting at our table and marked some lines in a book.

"Hey Bella, hey Alice!" She said happily. At least one person with no trouble.

Alice and I sat down and after Alice had told every little thing about the party, Angela was all dreamy and in happy-rainbow-unicorn-flying-hearts-land.

She and Ben had been on their first date in Seattle. It was spontaneous and they had so much fun. They went into the Pacific Science Center, watched a movie there, counted starts in the planetarium and learned some new fun facts. After that they went for dinner and Ben had admitted how much he had liked Angela.

She was so cute and it almost made me sick. Because that should have been my story but no.

Instead the only person on earth, with as much problems like me, had chosen to like me and stuck to his guns. Why was this happening again?

While Alice and Angela talked about some love stuff, I looked over to his table.

Today he wore blue. He wore this blue jacket! I almost immediately recognized it. He just looked like he did in the picture. So alone although he was surrounded by people.

Lauren was next to him, but he didn't pay attention but listened to music and poked at his food. Also he looked pretty rough.

Now I wondered what he was listening to. Maybe the same song he had sent me yesterday?

Because I urgently had to use the bathroom I left the cafeteria a little bit earlier and finished business. As I stepped out I was greeted by a familiar sight, leaning at the lockers in front of me.

"Hey."

Not many people were in the hall and so no one noticed how we went into an empty classroom.

He closed the door and looked unsure what to do next.

I crossed my arms and huffed loudly. He should notice when I wasn't in the mood of playing stupid games.

"Did you see the message I had sent you yesterday?"

"Yes, I listened to the song."

"You liked it?" He asked and sat down on the teacher's table.

"It's quite an intense song."

"And that means?"

I sighed and massaged my temple.

"I liked it. Actually very much."

He stared down on the floor again.

"Did Alice tell you that she had been in my room?"

I nodded and went slowly to the window, watching the students outside.

He jumped off the table and walked right behind me. But this time he didn't touch me.

"Can I come closer?" He asked. It seemed that he had learned that he couldn't act selfish all the time, even if I liked it afterwards.

"Yes," I whispered and felt his face nuzzling my hair and neck.

"You smell so good Bella. I wish I could capture your scent."

I heard the smiling in his words.

Hesitantly he circled my waist and I adjusted my body to his.

"Bella, there's a proposition I want to make."

After he was finished all I could do was counting the rapid beatings of my heart.

**A/N: What I meant was, that I appreciate all reviews - I really do. Because it's so nice that some people actually like my story :). But on the other side it would be so interesting to read what you really think about special things in the story. So I can get another perspective. But enough of that...**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: There I am again. I had been on holiday for one week and this weekend I will be on a**** big music festival here in Germany and look forward to see realllly good bands =). But before doing so I wanted to give you a little treat. View it as part one. Actually I wrote some more but it just didn't feel right and so I stopped (you'll notice). Have fun!**

„Are you serious?"

He tried to avoid my gaze while he was looking anywhere but me.

"Yes I am Bella."

I huffed and had to sit down.

My mind was racing and it felt so surreal. Was he totally out of his mind?

"I don't understand. Why should I say yes to this?"

Edward stared out of the window, his brows furrowed while he replied,

"Because it would give me the chance to give something back."

I snorted and almost started to laugh.

"Yeah because you wouldn't gain anything. You are so selfless."

He turned around and his mouth turned into a thin line.

"I know that it sounds pretty stupid but I really couldn't care less what's in for me. I just want to make you happy and feel good. You've seen me already at my worst times, why not share some of the good?"

And his smirk was back again.

"Can't you do it in a traditional style? Go on a date with me or we have dinner, watch movies…"

He took some more steps and kneeled in front of me. Hesitantly he reached out for me hand and brushed gently over my fingers.

"Bella, if that's what you want. I just wanted to give you something to say I'm sorry and I'm not very good with emotions. As you might have noticed I pretty suck at them. I just want to show you my adoration and feelings. Gosh, I sound like a girl."

"And that's not a bad thing, at least you're being honest. Give me time Edward, this is all so fast and crazy. I have to think about it and let you know my decision. Now, can we go please?"

He nodded and got up again, then he held out his hand and I took it. He just held me for a short time until he let go and left the room.

As I closed the door behind me I noticed that my hands were shaking and my heart was still racing. Why couldn't I attract the normal guys but instead got the biggest and weirdest freak of the school? Just out of nowhere he asked for something I never would have imagined.

I walked to my locker, still in a pretty haze and out of mind while I took some books out and went on auto mode while I was pretending to follow the teacher's words.

Again I destroyed two pencils from gnawing on them and almost didn't recognize Alice when she was bumping into me.

While the day went on I listened to my music and tried to find an answer. I mean, why should I really do it? Would I get somewhere? How would he treat me? Would it hurt? Even the most beautiful voices couldn't help me.

Also I couldn't get another opinion on this case and so I was on my own again.

As I made my way home I started to imagine things. I imagined what he would, what he could do to me. I felt all tingly and there was this special anticipation in my stomach.

Because Edward was so special and different I really couldn't envision him doing this or that. Although once I experienced him doing it but this wasn't the real deal, I was pretty sure of.

When I reached home I went to my room did some research on Google but it didn't really help much though. After awhile I stretched and started some homework to get my mind off him.

Slowly the sun was going down and I relished it while being in our garden and lying on a blanket, trying to figure out the forms of clouds.

But when I closed my eyes I replayed the scene in the classroom and went through a pro and contra list. I felt like Rory from _Gilmore Girls_. But was it a big decision?

Yes it was. It would take our relationship, or whatever it was, to a whole new level and I wasn't sure how to feel about it.

Hadn't I told him to stay away from me at the beach? But Edward seemed to be very persistent and wouldn't set me free as far as I could see.

He wanted me but did I want him?

I chewed on a blade of grass and watched the sky's mixed colours of red, orange and yellow. Of course I also listened to music, still trying to find a song which described my feelings but I couldn't come up with one. My IPod was as clueless as me.

Slowly I rolled on my right side and ripped of some petals, playing the game of should or shouldn't.

I bit my lip while I was in deep concentration and remembered the last times we got very close. Maybe we should go on a date and get to know each other but maybe… Maybe we should take the wrong turn and start off completely from a different perspective.

I had to admit that I was quite curious what was in store for me because I really hadn't any experience whatsoever. Also he wasn't unattractive either and what was the harm to try it once? But who could guarantee that he wouldn't just use me and throw me away? I mean, I didn't have an emotional connection to him but I would rather avoid being humiliated again, be it in private or public.

But on the other side I knew that he didn't lie when we had been on the beach. He had been so raw and pure and I held the knife to destroy him any second. Our roles were kind of reversed.

I just realized that it was me who held the power now. Edward wouldn't really bother me in school anymore and I just knew how many emotions were pent up inside of him. He was beautiful when he was in tears.

Of course that sounded strange but it was what it was. When I was the one who could decide what to do or not and have it all on my terms, so be it. I would only take and not give.

I would get myself the best of him and have endless fun while he could brood and work his ass off for me. He wanted to show me adoration instead of hatred and endless cruel thoughts, so he should do something about it.

For the first time of my life I wanted to act selfish and not care for once. I would use him. I gave him something but it wasn't really special for me or held any meaning. In the end it was all just skin.

Edward had to suffer for all he had done to me.

But in the very moment I thought about it and how I could make him suffer in such a situation where he surely had something to gain. But about this I would think later again.

I spent my evening satisfied and played a board game with my dad while my mom called and I talked to her over an hour. She had been really excited that I had fun this weekend and should send her pictures of the clothes, I had bought. Also she felt really good and told me about the cruise she had been on with Phil.

In the morning I turned my laptop on and wrote down Edward's cell phone number. He had sent it via Facebook and I had forgotten to save it.

So the first thing was to write him a text and let him now my decision,

_I'm in.__ Bella_

Was all I wrote and didn't receive a reply but I really hadn't expected one.

After a few minutes I got ready and stuffed myself with two poptarts while my dad was studying the sports part in the newspaper.

"See you dad," I said and was hurrying to get outside when I stopped dead in my tracks.

Just right next to my car was his Volvo. He seemed to not waste any seconds.

Slowly I went over to his side and knocked on his window. I was presented by a big grin and beaming, green eyes.

"So I heard you agreed?" He asked smiling.

"Yeah, seems so," I said shrugging my shoulders.

"You wanna have a taste?" He said being serious again.

"Now and here?"

Edward looked at his watch and shook his head.

"We still have some time if we skip first class. We could go into the woods."

I scratched my head while contemplating. There was just PE in the morning and we didn't do anything special than playing tennis. I could say I overslept and get away with it.

"In the woods? That doesn't sound very inviting."

Edward gave me a side looped grin and replied,

"There is a little cabin my family owns. Not many people know of this. But it's quite cozy and we also have food and TV there if you would rather spend your time differently."

"Nah, it's okay. You drive ahead and I follow you. We have about an hour."

He didn't waste any time and started the engine.

I really didn't know why I acted this way but it felt exciting and I was too curious for my own good.

It didn't take long and I followed him on a narrow path deep into the woods. But after a few minutes we reached a lake and the cabin he had me told of.

For me it looked more like a little cottage and very inviting but if Esme decorated it as well, it would be good nonetheless.

We left our cars and Edward fumbled with some keys while he tried one after one.

"You don't come here very often, do you? I asked him while I was trying to look through the window right behind me.

"Mostly just during the summer," he said and finally opened the door.

"Wow, it's beautiful and smells like forest."

"My mom decorated everything, thought you like it."

"And of course you have the obligatory fireplace. What else is in here?" I asked, looking around.

"Three bedrooms, one big bathroom, kitchen and this big living room. Common, I show you my room."

I was right behind him when I stepped into his room and saw the breathtaking view from his window.

"Wow, you can look directly at the lake. It's beautiful. I would be here all the time, surrounded by nature and be all alone. You can be lucky that you can stay here."

Edward closed his door and leaned against it.

"I know Bella. I feel blessed with my family. Well, almost all of them. Sometimes I sit at the water all day long and play guitar."

"Can you sing something for me?" I asked hopefully.

"Sure but later. Right now I have to concentrate to stay away from you any longer."

In this moment I remembered again why we were here, what purposes led me into this beautiful cabin.

"I thought you wanted to do the opposite?" I said and watched him sitting next to me on his bed.

"I don't think you would appreciate it, if I would attack you just like that. I want to be gentle and all this shit I never thought I would like to do. Just for you."

"Who told you that I wanted it to be gentle? Do you really think I expect prince charming to appear all of a sudden and you throw rose petals on the floor? As far as I know you that wouldn't be you really. You are mostly the rough guy. I noticed that you like to order me around."

He swallowed and it felt like the atmosphere was changing around us. Every movement and word seemed lingering heavy in the air.

"I guess you are right Bella. But I also want to change and try new things. I want to show you what I can do for you. It's just about you and your wishes. I'll do whatever you want me to do."

Now I felt triumphal and scooted closer to him.

"Really everything Edward?" I asked him innocently.

He just nodded and his eyes didn't leave my face.

Without batting an eye I asked,

"Would you get naked for me? Please."

"No problem."

He got up and I watched him taking off his shirt. My eyes wandered over his lean and almost muscular torso while he still was seemingly enjoying my gaze on him.

After that he started to open his belt and his jeans fell down in one rash move. He wore shorts, dark blue in colour and I could only fathom what was hidden underneath.

"Wait! Before you get rid of your shorts come to me please."

He just threw his socks away and sat down next to me again.

"Can you lean on the wall? I want to sit on your lap," I said feeling bold.

"Ok, there you go," he said and waited for me.

Unhurriedly I let my body sank onto his. When we touched an electric bold passed through me and I gasped for air when I felt him getting hard under me. It was a strange sensation. But actually I wanted to feel more.

"I'm sorry Edward, but I really have to get out of these," I said and lost my pants within seconds.

He smiled again and I took his hand when he led me back onto him.

Now it felt even more strange but oh so good at the same time.

I took his face between my hands and stroked over his cheeks while his arms lay next to his body.

"You can hold me," I told him and immediately his fingers brushed over my waist and wandered dangerously almost up to my bra.

It felt like I would touch a painting or sculpture. His breathing was low and his eyes weren't closed. Instead he watched every move I was making.

"Bella, can I kiss you?" He asked in a raspy voice.

I didn't answer but instead leaned forward and kissed him fervently.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**** Yes, I know. Almost one month has passed again but inspiration hadn't hit me in a while ^^. Also while writing this I just listened to one song: **_**Wait for me **_**by Rise Against. I saw them on the festival (along with the Foo Fighters). If you ever got the chance – watch them live! Also from this Sunday until 27****th**** I'm going to travel to South Korea and Japan – wish me luck for fighting Godzilla!**

**Also I hope you like that part, I know it is not sooo long again but when your gut tells you to stop, you just stop. I really do love my two protagonists and I'm really curious where my imagination will lead them to. Now please enjoy =).**

He held my face and deepened the kiss. It felt like I drowned into him and got lost. So many thoughts were racing through my head and I was aware of the strangeness of this whole situation.

What he had offered to me, it seemed so mundane. Where was the heart in giving me his body? In offering his service to me and trying to satisfy me in every way?

He tasted like cigarettes and coffee and my skin got red while feeling his beard. But I just couldn't stop. We fucking lost track of everything.

I got buried under him while he leaned over me and kissed my neck. His breathing rung in my ear and he chanted my name over and over again, as if it was a beautiful melody playing in his head.

Relishing in the feeling of Edward I opened my eyes and watched him. He seemed to be in deep concentration and seemingly liked what he was doing.

Edward licked over my skin and touched me in places I never had been touched before. Slowly he moved down and before I knew what was happening I felt his tongue leaving a trail over the inside of my thighs.

I got goosebumps and my heart started to beat faster when our eyes met. He was asking for permission. In these seconds I studied his face and noticed how the green of his eyes seemed to get a slight darker shade.

My head went up and down and that was all what it took. Immediately he pulled my panties down and I couldn't decide whether I should continue watching or close my eyes and simply enjoy these new feelings of lust.

But Edward told me what to do,

"Bella, please close your eyes. It will be much more sensual for you."

So I did as he asked, letting out some air from the breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Relax my dear. I will really give you some real good head," he joked and I chuckled along with him.

I made myself more comfortable and tried to block out the impulse to close my legs again. I felt so bare and open to him. Someone who had firstly acted as if he hated me all along and then told me that he was in love with me. But stranger things have happened.

After a few seconds Edward had positioned himself and said,

"You can grab my hair if you like to."

Of course I did because otherwise my hands would have torn the mattress apart.

All of a sudden I felt cool air blown on my sensitive parts. Surprised I squeaked and heard Edward snicker.

But then it hit me and I started to moan loudly.

My fingers found their way through his thick hair and I grabbed on it, trying not to be too rough. Instinctively I wanted to guide him.

Edward didn't make any rush movements but it seemed as if he had all the time in the world. Also I didn't hear any other sounds made than my own harsh breathing.

His tongue brushed over my clit again and the next moment I felt his lips. Gently he sucked on it and I writhed under his touch because it felt so intense but good at the same time.

I knew that I was wet because honestly Edward was turning me on. He was gentle- and rawness combined in one person. A walking contradiction between my legs.

Lips and his tongue were everywhere it seemed.

"Can I taste you Bella?"

I was so aroused already, he could have asked my anything and I would have said yes.

"Of course you can."

He moaned and tasted me in the most intimate way. I bucked my hips and wanted more, needed more. Edward licked, sucked and tasted and when I opened my eyes this very moment I saw him staring at me directly.

It was the most fuck hot view I've ever seen before and it almost made me come undone.

His eyes were transfixed on me and in no time his mouth was whispering something in my ear,

"You fucking taste better than I could have ever imagined."

Then he licked my auricle and hovered over me again. I was surprised and curious what he was going to do.

Edward took my hands and held them together over my head. My arms were stretched now and he was in total control.

My lower body needed some friction and I could feel his prominent erection. He was just staring at me and it seemed he had to choke down some moans.

Then he kissed me.

It felt wonderful. I tasted myself and my lust for him. Everything was a mix of special scents and tastes. He sucked on my tongue and grinded into me.

"Edward, Edward! Please I need you. I want you."

I wasn't coherent anymore but that was what my body screamed for.

He stopped dead in this tracks and looked at me, then he laid his head on my shoulder.

"I want to Bella but now it's not the right time and when you could see clear again you would know so."

"Please Edward, I just can't take it anymore. I need you, now!"

He sighed and replied,

"Don't temp me Beautiful, otherwise I'm gonna fuck you without any regrets."

I just moaned because he said the word fuck and in my ears it sounded like the sexiest word ever.

"I don't care Edward. You can do whatever you want."

"I'm sorry but until that, these have to do the job," he said while breathing hard.

Two of his fingers had found the way into me.

"Oh my God Edward. It feels so good, so fucking good," was all I could pant.

He came closer again and kissed me while his thumb was circling my clit and I could barely breathe. His moans sounded like despair and arousal.

Like a maniac I sucked on his tongue and got into new heights I didn't know existed. I just couldn't get enough and needed more of him. So much more. I knew that I was near, near the point of total destruction and happiness.

I felt completely helpless but in a very, very good way. He was in control and it felt right. Edward didn't force me to do anything but prolonged the sweet torture of mine.

But soon enough I couldn't hold back anymore and felt the explosion nearing.

"Edward! I'm coming, I'm fucking coming!"

My hips bucked and I let out a very loud cry. Everything came down on me and I repeated his name over and over again.

"So beautiful," he murmured and I saw him licking his fingers while I came back to my senses and started to blush.

It had been a great orgasm. Not better than mine but so much different! I still could feel his long fingers inside me and the taste of myself on my tongue.

We just stared at each other while he quickly let go of my hands.

What was there to say now? It felt kinda awkward but also very satisfying.

"Where did you say was the bathroom?" I asked him and he told me where to look.

On wobbly knees I picked up my clothes and went to the bath where I got a quick shower though it felt like I would wash all traces of him away.

I just recognized again how many unspoken things still lingered between us. What an irony! I could get myself licked and fingered but couldn't talk to him about serious things. But actually I hadn't figured out why I felt this way because I hadn't tried to speak to him yet.

As I went back he sat on his bed, fully clothed and lighting a cigarette.

Again I sat on the same chair and watched him.

"Won't you open that window?" I asked and he just shrugged his shoulders.

"We're leaving now anyways, you've got all your things?"

I just noticed the difference in his demeanor, it seemed more defensive and all closed up again.

"Yes I have. So let's go then."

He stood up and went ahead, not looking at me twice. I didn't know how to feel about this.

I looked at my watch and saw that we would barely make it to second period but actually Edward was driving really fast.

We hadn't spoken one word and I just wondered why it had been so easy between the sheets and so difficult back in the real world.

While we drove to school I replayed everything we did in these, few happy moments.

As we parked our cars and walked to the entrance I noticed how my heart got warmer when I looked at him and his grim expression. I bit on my lip and tried to say something but didn't know what and how to start and so I let the moment pass by.

Actually there were no students in the halls and the bell would ring within a few minutes. So we were left standing on our parting way to our lockers.

"Thank you for taking me to this beautiful place Edward," and I added with a big blush covering my cheeks, "Also for what you did for me. It really felt great."

I couldn't look him into his eyes because I was too scared what I could find in them.

"You're welcome Bella. See you around." And so he was gone and I was left standing alone.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Yes, I'm still breathing. You know, life happened. Some things changed to the better, even created by something not-so-good. **

**I know it's quite short but I let them in again and poured out some of my thoughts and feelings right at the moment. Also I listened to all kinds of emotional songs. Without them I couldn't even know where to begin. **

**Hoping to update more often again I let you enjoy now – _but I set fire to the rain_**

What was this strange feeling in my chest? It felt like something was cracking. I was too confused to recognize that I missed him already.

The bell brought me out of my reverie and I slowly went to my locker, grabbed my books and didn't acknowledge the other students surrounding me.

School went on and I tried really hard to concentrate on the teachers and other stuff but my head was in a total gutter. That seemed to happen very often these last days.

Before lunch break I made it to the teacher's room and asked for the coach. I explained to her that I had been feeling sick in the morning and couldn't pick up the phone. She worried but I told her that everything was okay again and she let it pass.

When I entered the cafeteria I felt quite anxious, while Angela was in her chatty mood. She told me some more about Ben and then Alice joined. She and Ange talked about some show on TV and I let my eyes wander to his table.

There he was sitting like nothing had happened. Strangely I got this tingly feeling when I watched him doing things like laughing, eating an apple and turning a page of a book. I felt so stupid but I knew what these fingers and lips were able to do.

"Bella? Bella, you're all right? Did Edward do something again?" Alice asked.

I shook my head and nibbled on the straw in my orange juice.

"No everything is ok, I just thought about something. Edward didn't do anything."

Alice looked relieved and I started to read the contents of my juice box. I really had to fight the urge to simply look at him.

Something was clearly wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it yet. So I let it go and tried to move on.

Me and Alice chatted some more and after lunch I just went on with the normal craziness that was school.

I really, really tried not to think about _him_ or what we did. Actually I felt some shame rising in me. He had been a jerk for such a long time but on the other side had bared himself to me and showed me a side I just couldn't simply despise. I got frustrated and tried to find some solace in the songs I listened again.

The clouds were moving faster and faster as I was driving back home and trying not to spill some tears. Again the darkness had captured me and tried to engulf me entirely.

Dad wasn't there yet and wouldn't be home today because there was this big annual get together of all police forces of Washington State.

It was quiet and calm when I entered the living room and took the steps into my little haven. Here I felt safe and sound. My backpack fell to the floor and it felt hard to breathe normal as I was sitting down on my bed.

_I... I came here by day, but I left here in darkness  
>And found you, found you on the way<br>And now, it is silver and silent, it is silver and cold  
>You, in somber resplendence, I hold<em>

It was _Silver and Cold _by A.F.I. and I drowned in its soft but heavy notes.

_Your sins into me  
>Oh, my beautiful one<br>Your sins into me  
>As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer<br>And I'll beg for forgiveness  
>(Your sins into me) Your sins into me<br>Oh, my beautiful one_

Edward, Edward oh Edward. What was it about you that got me so confused and intrigued at the same time?

How could he think he loved me when, deep down, he didn't know a thing about me.

_Cold in life's throes, I'll fall asleep for you  
>Cold in life's throes, I only ask you turn away<br>Cold in life's throes, I'll fall asleep for you  
>Cold in life's throes, I only ask you turn<br>As they seep... into me, oh, my beautiful one, now_

I got the volume up and every other thought was washed away. I wished I was somewhere else.

In a happier place where the sun could actually reach me most of the time. Did he hold the promise to be my sun or rather a dark moon pulling me in?

Huffing and berating myself my fingers moved along the beats of the drum and as I pressed my eyes together I dreamed myself far, far away.

Just getting away from it all was all I wanted.

Just being myself and not a failure.

I knew he couldn't save me because I had to save him from himself.

My tears were falling silently and I couldn't bring myself to get a tissue and wipe them away. They were the proof I was still alive and keeping up.

Automatically my hand reached out to the drawer of my nightstand and pulled out a crumbled paper. I had read it so often that it was barely there to be seen,

_Everything will be alright_

Once I had written it down to remind me that there was still a future to come and beautiful things to enjoy and experience.

The sentence got stuck into my head while I brought my body back to function normally. I still felt like a shell of myself but at least I moved.

Hours went by as I did my homework and stared out of the window again and again. Everytime I did his face appeared and I got lost in studying it.

Frustrated I switched on my laptop and clicked my way through YouTube videos. Some made me smile, some sad and some gave me some hope.

_Everything will be alright_

I really had to sort out my life and try to grow up. Also I was logged in into Facebook and saw a new message by Alice. She had shared a video. Curious as I was I clicked on it and was really surprised when I read the title,

_EC – I was broken_

It was Edward singing in a bar, totally absorbed in his own little world and pouring his soul to the eager listeners,

_I was alone  
>I was tired but now I'm bound<br>My head is off the ground  
>For a long time I was so weary<br>Tired of the sound, I've heard before  
>Knowing of the nights I'm out the door<br>Haunted by the things I've made  
>Stuck between the burning light and the dusty shade<em>

In no time my body was covered by goosebumps and I felt tears welling up again.

_Said I used to think the past was dead and gone  
>But I was wrong, so wrong<br>Whatever makes you blind must make you strong, make you strong  
>In my time I've melted into many forms<br>From the day that I was born, I know that there is no place to hide  
>Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light<em>

I felt as he could see right into my heart and soul. Of course I checked and saw that the video said the lyrics were written by Edward. I knew that there was more to him than met the eye.

_I was broken for a long time  
>But it's over now<br>Said I was broken for a long time  
>But it's over now<em>

Wishing I could say this about me I concentrated very hard and tried to memorize every detail I noticed about how he moved and changed from Edward the Torturer to Edward the Profounder.

_Yes and you,  
>yeah well you walk these lonely streets that people send, people send<br>There are some wounds that just can't mend  
>And I do pretend<br>Now I'm free from all the things that take my friends  
>And I will stand here till the end<br>Now I know I can take the moon  
>Stuck between the burning shade and the faded light<br>I was broken for a long time  
>But it's over now, it's over now<br>Mm it's over now, now, now  
>It's over now, it's over now.<br>It's over now, now_

I guess that was the last straw and I started to cry unrestrained.

Maybe after all he deserved a chance and I was the one to let him in. To invite him into my broken world and maybe together we could find a way into the brightness.

But deep down I knew it would take some more than wishful thinking and sad songs. Life had to change. I had to change.

_Blown away by fear_

_You touch my scars tenderly and don't ask why_

_Looking into your eyes and feeling like the loneliest person_

_Because you can't be what I need _

_You will be what I need the last_

_But like leaves flying through the air_

_I will rise _

_And I will fight and cry and lose_

_While you hold me and shield me from the dark_

_Giving you everything_

_I will rise_

_And I will dance and sing and smile_

_Never to be torn apart again_

_By night and day_

_I will rise_

_Will… Will… Will…_


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Actually I wanted to correct my grammar and stuff but then I just changed a lot and basically rewrote this chapter because now it feels right to me – so you have to read again ;). And thanks for your comments – all very much appreciated!**

Naturally I went to bed quite early with all these thoughts swirling through my head. I even forgot about the upcoming day. Everything was blocked out through the blackness in me.

The next morning I was awoken by my dad and his best try at singing a song to me.

"Happy birthday Bella my sweetheart."

Tiredly I stared at the little cupcake with one candle sticking inside. Oh right, it was my birthday and I had totally forgotten about it.

Dad sat on my bed and shared some memories with me,

"I just can't believe it. My cute little girl turned 18. I just remember you with your piggy tails and adorable smile. The whole sun lit up when I looked at your face. And all I have is this little cupcake and this photo album."

I was touched by his lovely speech and hugged him very close.

"Thank you dad. You know, I don't want any more presents. I already got the credit card and I am just lucky to have a dad like you."

He smiled brightly at me and gave me a kiss on my forehead still holding a big, blue album.

"And now show me what you got," I said excited.

"Actually this was your moms' idea and I got some pictures from her. Also I checked every corner in this house and found everything I needed. Just go ahead."

Slowly I made myself more comfortable on my bed and took his present. As I opened it dad's eyes were fixated on my face.

The first picture was me in the hospital right after my birth and many pictures followed. Some I knew and some I didn't. I loved these pics when my mom was still with us but also the ones with my dad and his hideous choice of clothes back at that time. Also he had written some words under every picture. Mostly they were memories or lines from a poem.

After I turned the last page I looked at him and felt tears in my eyes.

"You're welcome my darling," he said and hugged me again. "Now get dressed and come downstairs because today I made you a special breakfast.

I sniffed and nodded my head. It was very overwhelming because I never thought that my dad would give me something like that. Slowly the blackness backtracked and left me alone for now.

Like something very precious, that it was to me, I put the album on my desk and looked at it for some more seconds. After this nice surprise I showered quickly and made myself presentable. At least this day should be a good one.

As I walked downstairs my nose was filled with a very delicious aroma. Dad wore an apron and was standing on the stove. These two things were very rare and just seen at special occasions.

"Just sit down Bella. I made your favorite blueberry pancakes with whipped crème and berries. Also you'll get some eggs and bacon. Everything selfmade by the master chef aka dad."

He beamed like a child and seemed so proud that he done it all by himself.

Because I still had plenty of time I took a seat and stuffed myself with all these dainty things. Of course my dad also ate and we talked some more.

After we were done and I was totally full and getting tired again my dad stood up and put the used dishes into the dish washer.

"You know, your mom send you a card. It's right over there," he said pointing at the small hall table.

Quickly I stretched my arm and grabbed the envelope. I opened it and saw a card with a dog on it. It said,

"I'm scared of old people."

When I opened the card the dog was hiding in a trash can and said,

"Ok, I think you are an exception. Happy birthday."

Every year my mom had sent me these kinds of cards and I really liked them. Also her and Phil had written on almost every other empty space of it and told me that they would visit me on this weekend so that we all could celebrate together.

Also I received two other cards from my aunts. It was funny how all my feelings made a 180 and I felt good again. Even Edward wouldn't change that.

At 07:30 I got myself ready for school but before I could leave dad wanted to talk about something,

"I think I'll make a reservation at a restaurant of your choice. We can all go when your mom visits."

It didn't take me very long to decide.

"The Lodge is just as perfect."

"Ok Bells. But if you have other plans for the evening just tell me, we can also eat earlier or on Sunday?"

"No, until now I don't have any plans. It's all right. Thanks dad."

I hugged him and went out to step into my car. When I arrived it just had started to rain but this was just a typical day in September here in Forks. I had practically grown up with wellies on my feet.

Tugging my hood around my head I hurried to get inside as fast as possible.

"Hey there birthday girl," Angela greeted me and gave me a cute card with the promise of a visit to the Seattle zoo.

"Thank you Ange! It has been such a long time since I have been to the zoo."

"You're very welcome Bella. I think it will be so much fun. And we could also go for a movie or something like that," she said brightly smiling at me.

"Did I hear Bella and birthday?"

Turning around I spotted Alice right behind me.

"Hey Alice. Of course, today's Bella's birthday. She just turned 18."

Alice squealed and took my hands. "That's wonderful Bella and I totally missed it because I actually never asked you for it. I'm really sorry but I'm gonna make up for it. So what are you doing for this weekend?"

"Alice you really don't need doing this. I'm not a big fan of birthdays."

Angela and Alice looked at each other and it seemed like they had a plan in mind.

"Bella. This is your 18th birthday, it's almost as important as your 21st and we really need to celebrate it, don't you think? So how about this Saturday? Don't tell me there is something better to do," she said playfully.

"Not really. Just my mom and her boyfriend are visiting and actually we wanted to go eating dinner on Saturday." While saying that I looked into Alice's eyes and saw hope and gleam in it and I really wanted to be a part of it. Just as dad said I could always postpone the dinner. As a matter of fact I knew that mom would stay at least for a week in Forks to meet old friends and relatives.

"Ok I'm in it. What have you planned?"

Alice squealed again and leaned on the locker beside me scrunching her nose. Angela also looked very interested at her and her reeling mind.

"Maybe we could go to a club and just have fun. You know… Maybe we'll find a nice guy for you," she said smirking and winked at me.

"But we're not 21 yet, so how could we get entrance to a club?"

"Don't worry Bella, I know some people who know some people. I promise it will be a nice club and we won't drink too much alcohol. At least not too much. I'm thinking about the _Vanilla Sky_ in Port Angeles."

"It will be fun Bella. I've just heard good things about this club," Angela chimed in. She actually seemed really excited so there must be something about it.

For a split second I wanted to worry again and let the anxiety in but not this time! I would have fun with these two girls and maybe even getting wasted. There were a few things I just wanted, no needed to forget.

"I'll let you two know and we can meet up before at my house, if that's ok? My mom won't be there and we can get dressed and stuff," Alice asked and looked at us.

"It's a done deal," Angela said and so we talked some more and parted ways by the ringing of the bell.

Actually it was quite a nice day and I also got some congrats from other people I knew and talked occasionally to. I also saw Edward and really tried hard to ignore him because I was looking forward to Saturday and didn't need his emotional downside this week anymore.

Later on I had a free period and decided to go to the empty library and just enjoy a good book.

When I entered I spotted the red sofa immediately and got quite mixed feelings. Edward insults after he had found out that I had hidden and listened to his and Lauren's little sexual encounter. I tried to ban these memories from my head because he had changed or so I thought.

I walked over to the window and watched the rain drops hitting the glass and merging together. It looked like a stream of tears…

The day at the beach had been so intense and he carried so much baggage. Adding mine wouldn't really help but I could understand from where he came from.

Also I swore to myself to not get physical with him again until we had talked about some things. I wanted to explore him but I knew that this wouldn't go to be very easy because he shut himself up so many times and I couldn't reach him in that place.

He was a walking and talking frustration and never gave me the answers I needed to get. But on the other side I knew that there were feelings I couldn't admit to myself at this very moment. I felt drawn to him, always had.

I hadn't touched a book but just stared outside and mulled over everything and nothing. So naturally I didn't notice when the door was opened and someone sat right beside me.

"You're all alone by yourself and it's your birthday," he said and watched the rain getting heavier.

"I really like this place," I answered and sluggishly moved my head to look at him.

"What happened to your face?" I asked him spotting a small red scar above his right eyebrow.

Edward just shrugged and replied,

"Got into a fight and this motherfucker actually had the nerves to hit me but who cares?"

"Maybe I do," I said and turned my gaze away.

"Actually I just wanted to give you that," Edward said and put something in front of me. Then all of a sudden he left me as quick as he had arrived.

My fingers touched the small package and when I opened it, I almost lost my breath.

It was a tiny but beautiful golden necklace with a four-leaf clover and a note stuck to it,

"_Happy Birthday Bella. May the luck be ever in your favour. E."_

I hadn't noticed that I was smiling and so I kept my golden luck in my pocket until I arrived at home.

The very first thing I did was talking with my dad and he just understood. Actually he seemed quite glad that I did something with my friends instead of staying at home. Of course I didn't tell him what we wanted to do but instead told him that there would be a slumber party at Alice's house. Girls only of course.

After that we ate some cake and I got some more calls from my relatives and also called my mom and talked about the upcoming Friday.

Dad went to bed around ten and I followed up. When I got undressed I remembered my precious gift and tried it on for the very first time. There was nothing else on my body.

I had to caress it over and over again because I still couldn't believe that it had been a present from Edward to me. But I knew that I loved it but I couldn't wear it right now because I still hadn't figure out so many things and it was able to send out wrong signals.

So I put it back but kept the note and tugged it to my mirror in my room and decided to sleep.

Friday came along and I never actually found the right moment to thank Edward for his thoughtful gift but I forgot this as I saw my mom standing on the porch and greeting my after I returned from school. Dad had picked her and Phil up from the airport and brought them to their motel in Forks. After they unpacked some stuff they just walked to our house.

She almost hugged me to death but I had never been happier to see her because she was like a stroke of light in a storm. Lightening up everything with her carefree and fun spirit.

We went inside and she said,

"Bella, you have grown up so much and you're even more beautiful. Now you're almost a woman and not my little girl anymore."

"Dad had said almost the same thing. What's up with you all getting so emotional?" I mocked her jokingly.

"You'll understand when you have a child of your own," she said smiling knowingly.

"No, really mom. I'm very happy that you and Phil could make it."

"Of course my dear. I would never ever miss your 18th birthday and I haven't seen you in such a long time."

"Yeah had been 7 month now," Phil said and also gave me a hug.

"Come here," mom said and pushed me on our living room sofa. "Don't look," she said and put something in front of me.

"Actually it had been Phil's idea."

I looked at Phil's face and smiled at him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome and now open it."

Slowly, to save the beautiful wrapped paper, I opened the gift and noticed something black and shiny. It was a brand new camera.

"Thank you. Really that's awesome!" I said totally astonished.

Mom beamed with joy and balanced on her tip toes; eager to show me how all the buttons worked. Dad had been in the kitchen and prepared some food.

"Phil remembered how you talked about all the nature surrounding Forks and how you wished to simply catch it whenever you wanted. And of course you can take pictures of your friends, the fridge or squirrels."

I raised my eyebrows at Phil and he simply laughed it off. After that we all sat down at the kitchen table and talked while eating hot dogs and drinking some beer. No one was mad at me for postponing the dinner and I guess my mom knew that I wouldn't go to a simple slumber party.

As I laid in my bed my mom came into my room and sat next to me. Gently she brushed over my hair and started to sing a song she had always sung when I was younger and couldn't find any sleep. We didn't talk and I just fell asleep as the last note of her song was sung.

The next morning I felt actually quite good and looked forward meeting Alice and Angela and also going to a club for the very first time. Also it was good to not think the whole time about Edward even when his note greeted me. With that reminder it was really hard not to wear his necklace.

Also I asked myself if he would be there today. But he probably had something better to do than spending his night in his room on a Saturday.

I had been told to arrive at around eight at her house and so I didn't waste any time to do so. My parents wished me fun and mom told me to be careful and didn't drink too much. I promised her that I hadn't any intentions to do so and waved them all goodbye.

As I had arrived at the Cullen's house Angela just followed up one minute later and we both entered right behind.

Alice was standing in the kitchen and hugged us tightly.

"Girls, this is going to be an awesome night and you know why?"

Both of us shook our heads and looked at her questionably while she gave each of us a red cup full of liquor.

"We can drink as much as we want and we don't need to care. As I told you I know some people and one of the bouncers tonight is the older brother of Jessica. She was so nice to tell him that we should be let in and treaded with special care."

I sniffed on my drink and looked at Angela. It seemed that she also wasn't sure what Alice had given us.

"But when we all can drink who is there to drive?" Angela asked and looked at her drink suspiciously.

"And this is where it all comes down. I, as you know, have a brother. His name is Edward," I rolled my eyes at her and felt this strange feeling in my stomach again.

"Don't give me that look Bella," Alice said playfully. "He will drive us and also come into the club. And before you can object I think that's quite a nice deal. He can take care of us and protect us if needed and also bring us home again. Cool, isn't it?"

"I guess we can cheer to that, can't we girls?" I said and raised my cup.

"Hell yeah," Angela said and giggled when Alice and I looked at her surprised by her sudden outburst.

As I was told by Alice we just drank some sparkling wine mixed with juice and it actually tasted quite good. Edward wasn't seen or heard but as I noticed Alice told Angela that he was still at Jasper's house and they probably played pool. Actually Jasper would have loved to come but he couldn't because his family had a big party and he had to be there to represent and all this stuff.

He hated it but once in a year his parents decided to show off their wealth and big mansion.

After my second cup I already felt a little bit tipsy and told Angela. She just felt the same way.

"Do we want to order some Chinese? I think we should eat some more before we hit the club, right?"

"That's a good idea," Alice replied and after a few minutes we had decided what to order and called the restaurant which would bring the food within 40nminutes.

"I hope we will get fortune cookies, they are hilarious," Angela stated and played with the ice cubes in her cup. They made this clacking noise when she hit them with her straw.

"Actually I never had one before, did you Bella?" Alice asked while standing in front of her wardrobe and picking out clothes we all could wear tonight.

"Just once but it was really nothing special. Forgot it already," I answered and watched her.

She had told me not to bring something because she had bought me an outfit as present. Of course I thought it was too much but it made her happy and I was really excited what she had chosen.

Angela had brought some clothes with her and would mix them with some of Alice's stuff.

"Here it is Bella!" Alice yelled, startling Angela and me. "It's something very nice, not too revealing and kinda hot. I think it's just the right thing for you."

She said holding it in front of me.

It was a black skirt with brown stripes of leather and the top was also a mix of red and black velvet with a broad neckline.

"Alice, everyone will stare at my boobs. Isn't it a little bit too risky or fashionable? I mean we are just going to Port Angeles and not New York."

She came to me and patted my shoulder. Scolding me like a small child,

"Bella I knew that you would say that but let me promise you that you will get some stares but these will be good stares. You are the birthday girl after all and you've got such a nice figure. You should embrace it some more and it will enhance all your best features. For example your beautiful long legs. And maybe you'll meet someone interesting."

"Go figure," Angela said and poured Alice and her some more wine. I also chugged some more of the bubbly liquid.

A few minutes later I tried it on and I had to admit that Alice had been right. She really got a great fashion sense and I liked myself seeing in it. Maybe also the liquor gave me some extra confidence. I knew that the necklace would be just perfect for this outfit but I didn't dare to put it on because of questions which would follow.

Alice and Angela also got dressed in party mode and after we had eaten and full stomachs we wanted to open our fortune cookies.

Mine said,

"_A pleasant surprise is in store for you tonight."_ This was kinda lame and exciting at the same time. And I totally knew what it was all about. "Oh my god. These are the most boring cookies in the world," Alice said and read her out loud, "_It's never too late for good things to happen."_ "Blah, blah I say. Now read yours Angela." "Okay, here we go," "_When the moment comes, take the top one."_ "What does that even mean?" I asked and we all just started to laugh out loud until we heard a knock on the door.

Much to my regret Edward looked totally hot. Maybe it was my hazed mind or I had just lost it but when my eyes met his, a soft shudder went through my body and I wanted to feel him. Now.

"Ok girls. Edward's here so now let's get the party started!" Alice shouted and dragged us from her bed.

We giggled some more and Edward just stared at me and it seemed that he couldn't take his eyes off me. Also I didn't miss the look when he noticed that I didn't wear his necklace.

As I walked out of the door he whispered in my ear,

"You look very pretty."

"Likewise," I said and rushed past him.

Angela and Alice sat in the back while I was put into the front. Nervously I fiddled with the radio and stopped when Alice screamed at me to put my hands away from the buttons because she really liked that one particular song.

A tiny smile appeared on his lips and I had to chime in into his smiling. Automatically my hand reached into my purse played with the tiny clover.

While Edward drove I had so many thoughts running through my head and I also wanted to start a conversation but couldn't say a single word. It felt like I got a lump in my throat.

Alice chatted the whole time and Angela sang along to some of the songs. So I didn't notice when we had arrived.

"We're here girls. Common, get out."

"Thank you big brother, we gonna have so much fun." Alice said again and we all made our way to the row in front of the club.

There were no complications whatsoever and we all got in. The club was fully packed and there was a positive vibe going on. Many people grinding, drinking and talking. Okay, some weren't really talking on a verbal level.

Edward watched the three of us and was always in our nearness. From time to time he shook hands with some other people and greeted them with a big smile.

But when they were gone his smile went with them and he looked just as lonely as always.

Angela shoved us to the bar and we ordered three shots of Tequila. Actually I liked the burning in my throat and got even more boosted than I already was.

We cheered again and all of a sudden I heard this amazing song.

I already felt drunk but I didn't care. It felt absolutely wonderful and I had fun when I danced with the girls. Edward was standing near the bar and kept an eye on us. But I felt that I just danced for his eyes only.

_Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting  
>Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting<br>I'm a lonely boy  
>I'm a lonely boy<br>Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting_

Feeling ecstatic and sexy I moved and didn't mind some guy dancing very close to my ass. I also didn't mind feeling his hands on my waist and his hips pressed into me. Alice and Angela just encouraged me and danced with each other.

I didn't see the guy's face and to be honest I also didn't care. The only fingers _I_ felt were _his_. Slowly I got drowned in the music and lost it almost all until Angela grabbed my hand and asked me if I wanted to join them going to the restrooms.

Actually I really had to and so I said goodbye to my faceless partner.

I was blinded by the different colours and shades. If Angela hadn't held my hand I completely had missed the way. We parted the crowd and fought our way to the restrooms.

All of us went quickly in and got quickly out. I had splashed some water into my face and felt refreshed.

"So, how do you like it so far Bella?" Alice asked me and I just gave her the thumbs up. "All right then, let's see what's going on with Edward. Maybe he is joining us on the dancefloor."

As we arrived at the bar Edward was still standing in the same spot but talking to a tall blonde woman. All of a sudden I felt this strange feeling again. Maybe I had to admit that it was jealousy but my mind was battling this fact and so I tried to hide my inner turmoil and just accepted the way it was. He could do whatever he wanted.

Alice really wasn't shy and went straight to Edward. Angela and I followed right behind.

"Hey what's going on Edward? Who is she, do you wanna introduce her to us?"

The girl looked at her funnily and I decided to dislike her if she didn't like my loveable Alice.

Edward seemed uncomfortable but replied anyway,

"This is Irina and I just have talked to her for the last five minutes."

"Nice to meet you Irina," Angela said and waived at her. I just could laugh at this and Edward's eyes shoot immediately at me. It seemed that he wanted to shut me up. That made me even more laugh and I had to hold my breath to not disturb everyone.

"And who is that little skank laughing at me?"

I couldn't even be mad because Angela had understood skunk and I just imagined myself as being one. Alice didn't understand our little joke and so she just went to the bartender and came back with three more shots.

"Way to go girls," Irina said, rolled her eyes and disappeared. Now I really couldn't hold back anymore and laughed at the fullest. Edward seemed to be mad but I was so used to it I wasn't scared anymore. So I walked right to him after I drank my shot while Alice and Angela went dancing again.

"Loosen up a little bit Edward. You seem to be a little bit stiff. And sorry that I made Irina running down the hill."

I smiled at him and got lost in his stare again. Had he always looked that good? Again he wore his 5 o'clock shadow, a dark shirt and jeans. Also a leather jacket and black shoes. I wanted to touch him, feel him everywhere and tell him to leave me alone at the same time.

As he didn't replied I notched him into his side and said,

"Don't be such a downer Edward. We have so much fun; just enjoy yourself for a second."

All of a sudden he grabbed my arm and dragged me into a remote area of the club.

We stood there face to face and I was pressed against a wall while he was lingering in the shadow.

"What's going on with you Bella? I can't seem to find the girl I know."

I rolled my eyes at him and sighed out loud.

"Here we go again. Maybe you can't find her because she's having fun for once in a while and enjoying herself without being dragged down."

He looked at me very distressed and his hand went through his hair. A nervous habit of him as it seemed.

"Look, I'm sorry. It's just… I'm not used to these thoughts and feelings. It's just…"

"What. What Edward?"

Now he looked straight into my eyes.

"Why don't you wear my gift?"

I cleared my throat and answered,

"I never had the chance to thank you for it. It's quite unique and beautiful but how can I wear it when things are still so strange between us?"

Edward wanted to reply when suddenly Alice came stumbling along.

"There you are guys. I think it's time to drive home very soon. Angela isn't feeling very well and me neither."

Her face turned slightly green and I thought she would puke any minute.

"Ok, let's go then."

I looked for Angela and found her sitting on a bar stool. She looked fine to me.

"You're ready to go home? Heard you don't feel that good."

Just nodding she grabbed my hand and we made a beeline for the exit following Edward and Alice.

"That was funnnnn Bella, let's do it again," was all Alice had said before she started to snore while Angela tried not to vomit into Edward's car.

"Are you really gonna be all right if we bring you home Ange?" I asked her and really worried. It seemed that she and Alice had some more drinks while I had been talking to Edward.

"Thanks Bella. I guess I feel better now. I'll take a shower and drink some water. I'll call you later. Thanks Edward for the drive."

"No big deal," he answered and brought her to her front door.

The last miles we drove in silence and I just knew that this night wasn't over for me.

Edward parked his car into the garage and picked up Alice. She was still asleep and he didn't want to wake her up.

"I'll bring her to bed. Would you wait for me in the garden?"

I nodded and watched him taking care of Alice. We parted ways in the hallway and I found myself on the big and comfy garden swing.

The stars shone brightly above me and I fell in love with its beauty.

After what seemed like an hour he joined me. With him he brought his guitar.

"She's good?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I laid her in her bed and put a bucket next to her if she feels like barfing. Also I made her drinking some water at the end. She'll be fine."

I felt relieved and was happy that I wasn't really drunk. Also the cold air really helped clearing up things.

"Don't you freeze?" He asked and didn't wait for my reply. "There you go," he said and gave me his jacket.

I was far from freezing but accepted his jacket nonetheless because it smelled like him and felt just right on me.

"Maybe you wonder why I brought my guitar with me. I wanted to sing a song to you."

I avoided to look at him and leaned further down, finding my feet very interesting all of a sudden.

But then Edward stood in front of me and held his instrument. He looked fragile and scared but very determined to do the right thing.

"It's called _Be still my love_ by Bush and I dedicate it to you, to us, to everything in between,"

_It's a killer inside as I'm watching you slide out my hand  
>You're slipping away as I'm watching you fade<br>Please hold on  
>If I'm losing you now I won't give till I'm out<br>You're my world  
>I'll shoulder your pain<br>Ride the violent waves as I can_

_Be still my love  
>They can never take us<br>Be still my love  
>Be still, be still, my love<em>

I had to gulp and got lost watching him. He never had looked more beautiful.

_Now a stranger between  
>I can't get to you please<br>Don't fade off  
>Can't stand to lose you<br>I don't know what to do  
>For your bleeding<br>We're up all night, Sleep all day  
>We won't care, whatever you say<br>Our love, is ocean sized_

_Be still my love  
>They can never take us<br>Be still my love  
>Be still, be still, my love<em>

The moon found its way through the clouds and shone brightly on that little spot in the grass. Edward was standing right next to it and it seemed that he didn't dare to get into the light.

_I won't do no harm  
>And I won't do you wrong<br>I want you to come  
>Cause you've been gone to long<br>Try to revive  
>And bring you back round<br>No you are gone  
>Deep underground<br>And nothing could ever be the same again  
>Ohhh I miss you my valentine<br>Lately, so heavy without you_

_Be still my love  
>They can never take us<br>Be still my love  
>Be still, be still, my love<br>Be still my love  
>Be still my love<br>Be still, be still, my love  
>Be still, be still, my love<em>

As he finished I felt a tear dropping to the ground. Without a word I stood up and went to him. This was his way to say that he was sorry, that he missed and still loved me. He still wanted to try.

"Edward… I… That was just beautiful." Gently I brushed his cheek as he closed his eyes and leaned into it.

"I've missed you so much Bella."

He looked at me and found myself in the depths of his inner self. His sadness and sorrow. My heart was bleeding for him, because of him…

Slowly my lips met his and he almost held me too tight but I relished in this new, much deeper, feeling.

He took my face between his hands and finally they moon broke through again and I could see his features in a dim brightness. Whatever it was between us, I just couldn't let it go.

"Bella, you look so pretty. You've always looked pretty to me since the first day I saw you at school. There I knew I had to have you. Everything of you but I just couldn't. So I decided to make your life miserable instead. We both shared the pain and I could get near to you without someone noticing what I really felt. During that time I had lost myself, I am still lost but I don't want to drag you with me. You are my sun and everything I can give you right now is darkness and heavy thoughts."

His thumb went over my lips and parted them. I was ready and his words flood through me like the blood in my veins.

"Edward, please…"

He didn't wait any longer and finally kissed me. It wasn't a kiss like before. I was so much deeper and in it laid a promise for so much more.

My fingers got tangled in his hair and my skin felt rough from his kissing. I just couldn't get enough. I wanted to feel him entirely.

"I love you."

And I didn't know what to answer to that. So I said nothing at all. I knew that I hurt him but he couldn't expect me to love him all of a sudden.

He let it slip and instead started to undress me.


End file.
